Facebook Contact

Hi Fun, Yeah, that creeper feeling gets a bit strange and very tiring after a while! A good place to start could be with an explanation of why you are contacting them. What you want from the contact, communication. And of course a brief description of yourself/situation. I mention this only because of what you wrote in your post - I can't see a reason why you want to contact them. I can only assume things. The regular stuff, curiosity, tired of not knowing, want medical info, ancestry info, genetic info, any info at all? I would guess you might not be so interested in forming close relationships by what you wrote... but you never know. And people often never know that until they meet - regardless of their expectations in the beginning. I think most of us try to go into it with "no expectations" (good luck with that :) ) After all I have seen, I really think it is best to be direct as possible, whenever possible, even when difficult, even when it might hurt someone's feelings. State what you want, maybe even what you don't want. And ask for them to do the same. You have every right to ask them for things - whether you get answers is another thing! That way all parties know somewhat where everyone is coming from. Confused hurt feelings due to having different expectations, or assuming or trying to figure out what the other wants from all this - can be avoided more often by being direct.

Couple of things... If you are not "friends" the message will go to their "Other" inbox and they will not be notified. They may regularly check it, or they may not realize it exists, and therefore will never see your message. Apparently, or at least you used to be able to send it for $1 into their normal messages - don't ask me how. Beth gives good advice and it's really good to think about what you want - if you are the least bit unsure, or worried that someone else will see the message. Perhaps the first one should go something like this... Hi ______, I think you may know me, I was in X city in X year. If you are ____ ___ who was also there, please message me back, I would like to have the chance to reconnect. ________ There are other ways you can make discreet contact - whatever works for you. Hi ______, I'm interested in researching my family tree and knowing about my family of birth. I believe you are a close relative, I was born in X city in X year. Do I have the right person named _____ ____? Would you be interested in taking the time to talk? Hope that gives you some ideas on wording... Kind regards, Dickons PS...I don't think many, if any adoptees are looking for new parents in reunion - they already have parents, but are missing their family of birth and where they came from.

Since you've readily admitted that you "never really cared too much about [your] birth family," I am wondering what is driving you to contact your b-mom?Normally, I do not expect an adoptee to know exactly what s/he wants because it is often so hard to know what we want until we interact with our b-families. In your case, however, you currently do not sound very interested in your b-family.So, as Beth wrote, I would recommend telling your b-family upfront whatever it is that you hope to gain or learn from them. Maybe it's your story. Maybe it's medical information. Right now, it doesn't sound like you want a relationship, so I would recommend letting them know that upfront.Good luck to you! I hope you find whatever it is that you are seeking.

Double post

I know there are lots of people who would do anything for the knowdge that I have about my birth mother. In my life I was/am one of those adoptees that felt abandoned by the bp, and I love my parents; I think knowing I contacted a birth-parent would hurt their feelings. I think one of the reasons I've changed to interested in contacting is that I was actually given a name on my original certificate. I'm wondering how common that was in the late 80's. Having had children myself, I know (at least here in IL) you don't have to have a name on your birth certificate. FB also makes it incredibly easy, so if i can, why not? I know there's a great likelihood of it going to the 'wrong' inbox, and I'm ok with that. Another reason I've swayed some is that the first FB picture I saw was of a little boy, and I though maybe I had a brother (I've since found out through creeping he is probably a cousin). I've ways been an only child - siblings would be awesome. :) There's some motivation material :) thanks for the advice! That's exactly the kind of stuff I was interested in, more matter-of-fact then emotional. I understand where people are coming from with the emotional messages, it's just not me.

I think naming is far more common than an adoptee would think. My era, often, even if named, that name was stripped by "whoever" and Baby Girl/Boy inserted instead, simply because we were Babies For Adoption (BFA), and the powers that be thought that was best. A name means you were wanted, even if not possible. You weren't just a mistake, instead you were worthy of being named. Good luck with whatever you do. I too had the same loyalty / concerns even though both through words, and actions they took, I knew mom and dad would not be hurt or feel less than. As humans we are programmed to still want to try and protect those you love - even if there is no reason to do so. My mom petitioned the courts for my records when I got sick. She was the first one I showed a picture to of my mother - she thought it was me but said the picture made me look old, and she didn't recognise the dress. I was too late and I have regrets - but the laws in my state prevented me from having that choice - what I would do in your shoes, I can't say. Only you can know what is right. Kind regards, Dickons

Hi Fun, Did you get any info about your bfamily? Like their situation that led them to adoption, ages, why and all of that? It's kind of hard to avoid some of the emotional, I tried, I fooled myself for a while. If you find a way to bypass all of that please let everyone know! It's probably a good idea to prepare for any emotions that may hit you like a freight train. That way you might recognize that train comin' 'round the bend, and step away from the tracks. That feeling abandoned feeling is pretty typical. I felt that way, didn't know how angry I was about it for a long time. Really didn't know I was truly angry at all, especially "angry at mother". I think it's good that you can recognize that. For me, when I met everyone, saw what I had lost for so long... multiply that original abandoned feeling by 100, 1000, or more. Sad, angry, happy, relieved, thrilled all at once = like a tornado sucked me up and spun me around! It's funny now, but it can make you act weird, and say things you might not want or mean to say. I've seen the emotional tornado quickly ruin new relationships with siblings and everyone involved. So keep an eye out for that thing! 15 years ago when I began contact there were like 3 adoptees online, and we were all called ungrateful bastards for even thinking of searching and reuniting, let alone thinking of beginning relationships! If you found one reunion story, one writing, one poem, one joke, it was a treasure. Now, there is so much to learn from. So many people's stories of how they felt, what they found and what they went through. So much information about mothers who lost kids to adoption, and why. I hope anyone beginning a search or contact takes advantage of all the info out there. I found myself cramming at the last minute, and after the last minute... More than anything I think researching much of that will help to navigate this contact and get to know people if it comes to that. Plus it will give you something to do while you wait for a response LOL I hope you don't have to wait long, that's the worst. Have you talked to some of the bmoms online? I would suggest that above anything to help. Especially if it's (((Raven))) Talking to the moms helped me a lot, and I am sort of glad I had to wait a few months for my mother to respond so I had more time to do that. Maybe we could make a list of the possible scenarios an adoptee my find during reunion. And all the fun stuff and people we might get to consider. Like: sibling jealousy GSA spouse not happy about it someone is too clingy someone doesn't respond and I really want them to someone is nutso and I have accepted that:arrow:, or I want to figure them out and I want them to change! someone is controlling my relationship with another person grrr someone wants to be closer than I want to be someone doesn't want to be as close as I want them to be someone won't tell me my facts someone, like my spoiled husband, is in the mix and doesn't like sharing my time with other people, regardless of what family it is (he got over it :rolleyes: ) a biggy for me - someone loves me and my kids deeply and wants to treat them like the grandchildren, nieces, nephews and cousins they are to them, and my kids want the same, and once we get to know them I find that so do I! and we all get to deal with aparents and asibs feelings, and our huge feelings of being disloyal there, and oh dear god can we dig that hole bigger so we can all climb in it and hide? I know there is far more fun stuff like that to consider :) Honestly tho, I've enjoyed every second of it, even the yucky. Especially enjoyed finding 3 half brothers from my father and a half sister and brother from my mother, and a bucket full of nieces and nephews and cousins and awesome uncles and aunts. It takes a lot of energy and time processing new info, eat well and rest up whenever possible!

Hi Everyone, I am conducting a study with adult adoptees that have given birth to a biological child within the last 5 years. If you live in San Diego and want to participate, please contact me at adoptionstudysd@gmail.com. I want to give voice to adoptees surrounding their story, as it is often untold. Those who complete the interveiw will receive a $25 giftcard. Best, Alicia

did you ever contact your birth family?how you said you feel is exactly what i fear my daughter feels about me and having a relationship. I've recently found her online and we've exchanged a couple of im's but that's it. she won't call or text me.I've started reading about reunions and I'm really surprised at how many bmothers don't want a relationship. I've been waiting since my adopted kids became adults to have a relationship with them. i would never reject them.

did you ever contact your birth family? how you said you feel is exactly what i fear my daughter feels about me and having a relationship. I've recently found her online and we've exchanged a couple of im's but that's it. she won't call or text me. I've started reading about reunions and I'm really surprised at how many bmothers don't want a relationship. I've been waiting since my adopted kids became adults to have a relationship with them. i would never reject them.

look I don't know the story behind all of this .... I would probably start with a friend request first... to see if she response's to it... but that is only me. I'm sure my daughter feels the same way about me.. God what I would give just to speak too her!