Need insight on birth mother

I could really use some help with this. Please, if you take the time to read this, take the time to answer my post if you can. I see nearly 40 of you have read it :/

I would cut ties with her until and unless she can prove to you (by whatever definition of "proof" works for you) that she's serious about being a positive part of your life. But that's just how I handle things. You need to decide whether it's more important to have her in your life (on her terms) or not. At a minimum, don't allow your child to become attached to her or in any way feel that she's being rejected by the woman -- that's not fair to her. That probably doesn't help much, I'm sorry. But, as I said, I'm not one for keeping people in my life when they don't deserve to be there. .

Thank you for your reply. I value any and all commentary on this issue. I realize I have a decision looming in the future about wether to cut ties or not. I know I am not quite there yet. What I really want is some understanding of why she is the way she is. I know she is in pain. I know this has never stopped hurting for her. She has never been outright malicious or cruel, she just takes no interest in me. It hurts. A lot. Any birth mothers out there that can shed some light on her decade long behaviourism's? I realize that most adoptees will not understand the reasons, I know I sure dont.

I'm sorry that your birth mother hasn't been the kind of person you were hoping she'd be. It's hard not to have hopes for a relationship when you go into a reunion. To be rejected, again... that's understandably painful. I'm sure that there are biological moms on this site who could give insight into why your birth mother might be acting this way. Or at least, they could guess - since of course none of us has insight into your birth mother's particular mind. But I'm an adoptee, and frankly, I don't get it, either. While I do understand that there's likely to be a lot of pain involved in giving up a child, and therefore a lot of healing that must be done before a biological parent is able to connect in a healthy way with a returning (adult) child, I do not understand why anyone would NOT go ahead and seek help so they can move forward, heal, and connect. I guess some people are afraid to face the pain they tried leaving behind in the past? I don't know... I also don't know how you interact with your birth mother when you do see her. I don't know if she's been open with her family about you - do her husband and your half-brother know about you? Do you have contact/a relationship with either of them? Or are you a "secret?" I don't know if you've had a calm, but honest conversation with her about her decision to keep checking out of your life. I don't know if you've tried... and she hasn't "heard" you, hasn't listened, or been able to respond honestly. Or if you, yourself, haven't been able to find the words... or the calm... in the midst of your own pain and disappointment. I agree that you need to think of your own needs, and your daughter's. If you *can* try sitting your birth mother down for a talk, you can try to tell her that for your baby's sake and your own, you're looking for stability in your lives. If she'd like to be a regular part of your life, you'd like her to be. Then you can see what she says/does. Maybe she'll step up once she fully realizes what she's been doing. Maybe not. (Again, I don't know if you've already tried doing this... if you've said it before, only you know if you're willing to say it again... or if you'd rather save your breath.) If you're willing to dial back your expectations and let her in once in a blue moon, then that's your call. If you aren't, then you can cut ties, because you don't need the pain of her coming and going continuing to hurt you... and eventually hurting your little one. In any case, I hope someone can give you better insight than I...

Some mothers are just too wounded. It cut them to the core when they gave their child(ren) up for adoption. And, reunion often throws them emotionally right back to that time period. It could be grief. It could trauma. It could be guilt and shame. They often just cannot deal with it. But, we cannot necessarily attribute trauma or shame to every mom's actions. Honestly, we'd have to know who she was before the pregnancy and what her life has been like since then to get an idea of what's really going on with her.

I'm going through a similar push/pull relationship with my B-mom. One day she wants me in her life & the next day she doesn't. It is incredibly painful. She recently told me that "I cause her too much pain & every time she hears from me it brings up a painful past". I've come to the realization that she projects her inability to deal with her issues onto me by blaming me for her pain. It's tough but I think in your situation it may not be a good idea to have your B-mom in your life either. Hope this helps.

Hi Hera. A bit of time has passed since your post which I just read today. I am a birth mother and know that it is incredibly complicated trying to "work out" what both sides are thinking, meaning, getting offended with and backing away from. The only solution I feel from experience is to have an honest face to face talk with your birth mother - put all your cards on the table and try to keep centred in what you want to ask her even if you feel like she is saying and doing things to push your buttons (she may not be on purpose). If you have stated your wishes and said all you want to say to her ONCE then leave her to think it over. If she comes back with inconsistent contact after you have told her you are not prepared to have that sort of relationship - then you have your answer and know that you have done all you can. If she is not prepared to work through her grief or whatever it is that holding her relationship with you back, even though you have told her you want her in your life so she shouldn't feel insecure - then you can leave it either closed for good or open for a time in the future if she can get it together. You may find that she has perceived you are not really interested in her for instance in her own guilt and insecurity and that is the reason for how she is acting.. who knows till you really talk and listen to each other. That in itself is a difficult place to get to as both sides really have be open with each other putting personal issues aside.. all the best and I hope things go well for you and your little one. If you would like to PM me at any time please don't hesitate.. love Ultreya

Hello Hera, I am a birthmother and I would like to address this coming from a bmother's perspective. I think perhaps since ya'll have been seperated for so long it may be akward for her to reconnect, and it may be very uncomfortable for her since ya'll have been seperated for so long. I am having a simular experience with my bdaughter and I know it is painful if you feel as if you are being pushed away. I would suggest that you take some time off from thinking about it. Try as best to enjoy your life as much as possible, finding other interests (like crochet, knitting, camping etc...) and maybe there might be some support group out there in your area you can connect with. Much of my life I spend without even thinking about my bdaughter because I am busy with my other children and/or just life in general. You see I made the mistake of messing things up between my bdaughter and me several years ago and I'm just giving her some time right now-she may come along later and want some kind of relationship, but until then it's best not to dwell on it, but busy myself taking care of the people who are in my life right now. (I have 5 other children). And I don't know if you believe in God or not, but he is near to those of a broken heart. "Cast all your cares upon him for he careth for you." Love, Rhonda

Hello, I'm a little late to this thread but if you or any other are still looking for BMother insights here's mine... I too have been reunited with my 29 yr old child. She found me on FB and I was delighted. What may be going on with your BMother is the defense mechanism that exist for many when faced with an emotional wrecking moment. While I did the complete opposite of what your BMother did, I'm finding it emotionally exhausting to work through all the grief and sorrow for the decision I made 29 years ago. It is not for the weak. Perhaps your BMother has just enlisted a block to the pain, as the grief is deep, to protect. What I've discovered through the reunion process is the gravity of my decision and that a mother's unconditional love is not condition to raising a child...only that you gave birth. Her love for you is there but it just might be buried beneath layers of armor that has proteted her through the years. Just my two cents for what it's worth.

I am a BM too. and have a adopted sister which reunited with her BF. Which is all good now BUT counseling does wonders........ You need to fine one experience with adoptions. Go a few times just you when see if your BF will join in. :wings:

I can not comprehend why your bmom would not want to be a part of your life or her new grandchilds life. I just recently found my son three months ago and if I could, I would spend every waking moment with him. Your bmom is wasting such valuable moments that she can never get back. The only thing that I can think of is that she is looking for the easier road to follow. She knows that you are there if she wants to see you, but being with her other daughter is easier because all the hurt, guilt, and anger doesn't exist between them. It seems as though she only makes an appearance when she is strong enough to deal with the emotions she must be feeling inside. My son only sees me when I initiate the visits. I gave him a key to the house and told him he is welcome anytime, afterall this is his home as well, but he never initiates time with me. We only live 20 minutes from each other and I would love it if he would just show up at my doorstep and walk through the front door without any initiation. Your mom is missing out and I feel sorry for her because one day she will regret all the time she is wasting not getting to know you.