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My husband and I adopted our 5 y.o. grandson (our daughters son) but he has lived with us since he was 6 months old. She is a drug addict and has never been capable of taking care of him despite numerous chances. She comes and goes out of his live. Just recently, we have told her no more. Until she gets clean she cannot see him. He knows we are not "mom and dad" but we hear him refer to us as that to his friends on occasion. We love it but are concerned all this is just so overwhelming for his little mind to handle. Does anyone have any advice for us ? Thanks.................
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Our daughter (niece) we adopted at age 7. Her biomom is also a drug addict and was clean for awhile but back on drugs and getting arrested. We live across country from her. Last time she talked to her biomom was age 11 (she's 14 now). It has definitely helped a lot not having contact.
Best advice I can say is give the little guy structure. Let him know you are there for him if he has questions or is sad/mad, etc....Best thing you can do is stop contact if biomom is going to be a bad influence or cause him stress. Get him into counseling if you can to talk about his feelings. It's hard with extended family adoptions for everyone involved. Eventually he'll realize who is the one who's there for him in the hard times and loves him.
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Our best friends were in a similar situation. The kids were much better off when 1st mom wasn't around anymore. When and if she can prove that she's a long term positive person in his life then they've explained that then only then will contact be resumed. Sad and hard for all involved. If you adopted him you are Mom & Dad. You and he need to see it that way.
Right now you are the mom and dad, as you are in that role, so it's probably easier for him to use those names when talking to friends who live in more traditional families. Just let him take the lead. He knows who is who and who does what. Usually the kids are less confused than the adults.
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Wow, as if it's not hard enough to raise your grandchild you have to worry about how his mother is doing as well! It sounds like he is in a much better place with you and your husband. I think he needs to understand how important the decision was that you made on his behalf. It's one thing to be a grandparent who loves to be with their grandchildren another who worries about their safety and will do everything to make them secure. Our son (grandson) has lived with us from day one and both my wife and I were there for his delivery. His mom moved out months after his birth so the relationship we have with him has been a stronger mother/father relationship than grandparents. He calls us both mommy and daddy and doesn't think anything different. In my opinion the names "mommy and daddy" is the security he feels and shares with his sibilings (aunts/uncle). I think I have over analyzed those same feelings (what does he feel) but I can see when he smiles at me and hugs me, this is all he really wants and needs, some one to be there for him. Back to the parenting part of our children, I'm sure you never wished to have your daughter get involved with drugs anymore than I did to have mine ditch school and get preagnant at 18. There is only so much we can do to raise them right and allow them to make choices (hopefully good ones) it's just hard when the by product of a poor choice is a human being, by no fault of their own they are here in this world. This is the only thing that really gets me through it, it's not their fault. So enjoy being called mom and dad, you deserve it! Will keep you in our prayers!
My husband and I went to visit my great aunt in another state a few weekends ago. She and her husband have raised 4 of their grandchildren. The oldest of them came up with a grandparent type nick-name when he was young and it stuck for all of the kids. Somewhere between us playing beauty shop and painting water colors, the youngest girl nuzzled up by me and told me all about how she was "pretty much adopted" and her grandma is like her mom because her mom lives far away and never comes to see her (she's in prison). We talked about how cool her grandparents are and she lit up and smiled.
Kids want to be like all of their friends at school and have someone to call "mom" and "dad", but they know the role that you play in their lives and its so wonderful that they have you to rely on. :love: