Lost....what next

I am so terribly sorry that your parents didn't tell you. I honestly can't imagine what you must be going through, everything you thought was your truth is now brought into question. I can give you an idea of why they didn't tell you. They didn't start talking about adoption while you were still a baby, instead they thought they should wait until you could understand. At 6 - well maybe 8 would be better, then 10, 12, 18, 21 and that good time never appeared. That is my best guess on why some didn't tell - there never was a good time once you could understand. Why they waited instead of talking about adoption from the time you came home? Fear. Fear that you wouldn't think they were your "real" parents. That you would feel "different". That you would want to know where you came from. That you would go back to your family of birth. None of the above excuses them from not telling you. They should have. It was your story. You had a right to know. I can tell you that based on what you have said - they loved you deeply, they just never got brave enough once you could understand to tell you. I'm sorry... What state were you born in. You should know what is, or isn't available to you as an adoptee, before you talk to some clerk you should know what the rules are. Every state is different. Feel free to ask us questions, rant, vent, whatever you need to process this. Kind regards, Dickons

Thanks for the reply had started to question if I was in some way being ungrateful to my adopted parents. They gave me a loving home & I always felt wanted. I feel they should have told me once I became an adult giving me the chance to decide if I wanted to know more about my background. Im in the uk & was adopted before 1975 at the time it was presumed you would never have contact with birth parents but since then the rules have changed. Im entitled to see my birth certificate and the information it includes. Law states I must receive the information from a qualified person. I have applied for the information and wait to hear from the agency. I have so many questions and need to find out about my birth mother just wish I knew earlier. Thanks for your help it is appreciated.

You aren't being ungrateful- push that right out of your mind. Of course you should have been told, you should always have known so there never was a big reveal. That way it is your normal, you've always been adopted and it's just a fact of who you are. Finding out at 42 and both your parents have already passed away so you can only go to strangers to find out? That's going to send the strongest person for a tailspin that takes time to unwind from. I'm glad you are in the UK, in the states only about 1/5 of the states allow an adoptee to know where they came from. It's sad. You also have the advantage of "rolls" can't remember the correct term so you can trace a person easier. You probably will have a few roadblocks if your mother at birth married but you should be able to find her. I think there are well-educated groups in the UK to talk to about contact and reunions - they bring up a wave of emotions that are completely unique. Please, don't feel guilty or ungrateful. Being adopted means you have two families. It isn't wrong to want to know them both. By the way, if you want to find other adoptees in the UK who are in your shoes you could search for groups using "Late Discovery Adoptees", at least that is the term used here in the states. Whether you will want to find a group you can get together with is up to you, based on what you are feeling (only you can know) they may be helpful. Kind regards, Dickons

When the first phrase clicked in this thread for me I went "hmmm." When a second resonated I couldn't resist the temptation to weigh in... 80's, I think that many of we adoptees have the feelings that if we search for our birth families that means we're being ungrateful to our adopted ones. As Dickons said, don't waste any brain space with those type of thoughts because they just aren't true. It sounds as though your adopted parents did a fine job in raising and providing for you...except they never got around to mentioning your adoption. Would it have been a big deal had they told you when you were very young? Probably not. But stumbling onto the information 42 years later it is a big deal. I know it happens, but I can't wrap my brain around it. In my case I remember my a-parents using the word "adopted" with me before I knew what it meant, so no big thing. Trying to put myself in your shoes, imagining what finding out as you did must feel like, and frankly I think I would be having some feelings of anger or betrayal towards them. You feel "lied to" at some level because...well...you were. I'm sure they did what they did with the best of intent, but that doesn't make it hurt and turn your world upside down any less. I think you can hang onto that if you got along well with your various relatives before finding out you were adopted, chances are you'll get along with them afterwards as well. What's changed beyond the shock of the news, is the knowledge that you aren't biologically related to those people. Does that mean you can't still converse and get together? Of course not. And now that the truth is yours, it also doesn't mean that you shouldn't research your "other" (birth) family as well if that's where your heart leads. You've been given a wonderful gift...the truth...although the delivery was late and the method left a great deal to be desired. Best, PADJ

Your taking the time to reply with such productive advice is really appreciated until today Id been unable to discuss how I felt. I do feel anger about being kept in the dark and in my mind cast a shadow over my past. My uncle told me that it was never a secret and thought I knew but no one cared to mention it in all that time. Four brothers on dads side two on mums so quite a big extended family but no one ever mentioned it or made a slip up. So now I feel like everyone knew but me. I will look for some uk support groups as Im sure some one will have a similar story. And like you say I am pleased about my gift just not how it came to be. Thank you you efforts have helped me deal with so tough emotions and dark thoughts. lee.