And she's in college!

What do you mean by "forced her to give him her phone number"? In college orientations, kids often ask each other for phone numbers and/or email addresses, at least until a campus directory comes out with that information. It doesn't necessarily mean that a boy is going to ask a girl out, or that she needs to accept if he does. It can mean that they will ask each other questions about which courses are better and so on. The only time it would be inappropriate would be if the school had a special program for admitted students who are 14-16 (but ready for college work) and who will be housed separately and will have more supervision than students who are 18 or close to it. Most kids go to those things and bring home a dozen or more email addresses from their first admitted student program or orientation session. My daughter started Tulane at 17. Before she made the final decision to enroll, she traveled (alone) to New Orleans (from Maryland) to attend an admitted students event. She met many students and got their email addresses and, occasionally, cell phone numbers. It's just what kids do nowadays, and part of normal socialization. It's like, "Let's keep in touch," whether or not they will actually do so. When she got to campus for the actual school year, she saw and talked to some of the kids, but did not see or hear from some of the others.Now, if a student begins to stalk your daughter, or to make a lot of harassing calls to her, that would be a different story. It should be reported to the college Administration immediately and, if necessary, the police should be contacted. My daughter has never had any such thing occur, however, and to the best of my knowledge, none of her friends ever had such incidents.Now, my daughter does not have a disability, but she has always been much older intellectually than emotionally, and she did have one bout of clinical depression in high school -- successfully treated with medication that she no longer requires. I worried about things like drinking, frat parties where rapes are not uncommon, and so on. We had talked a lot about these things, but it's a whole 'nother animal when your child is off somewhere without you for a whole school year. I'm glad that I didn't let Becca know how worried I was, and let her test her wings, for she blossomed into the most amazingly mature kid in just a few months. She wound up making the Dean's list both semesters, developed an aversion to alcohol after seeing how often an ambulance showed up on campus to collect a student who had passed out drunk, and so on. Socially, she found most of the boys rather immature.She did wind up dating a student that I normally would consider "way too old" for her. He's currently 24 and just got his Master's degree. However, he actually turned out to be a very good choice -- quiet, studious, polite, interested in her career goals, and maybe a bit young, too. He is from India, apparently has nice parents, and is very respectful of women.Becca and Avi have been together for about 8 months now. She knows that the relationship may not last, given that she needs to finish undergraduate school, work for a while, and get a graduate degree. But she wants to enjoy the relationship for now, and seems to be handling it with great maturity. They are both working in California at the moment. (She did work-study on campus and also worked in New Orleans for a month before going to California; she is actually supporting herself and paying off college expenses while there.Becca plans to leave Tulane and transfer to a school in New England or New York because her Tulane program was "too easy" and she hated New Orleans, the paucity of Asian undergrads, and some of the religiously and racially prejudiced attitudes she encountered, even in her own dual degree program, which supposedly was for the best and the brightest. Avi has said that he's willing to follow her and find work, but who knows what will happen. They are both young.So even though your daughter has a disability, my feeling is that you have to recognize that your role really has to change, now that she is in college. You are going to have to let her be more independent, and to find her own way. Let her tell you about things if you wish, but don't pry or criticize too much. Let her make her own choices and learn from occasional mistakes. Surprisingly, the values and such that you taught her will stick with her, at least to some extent. And, surprisingly, there will be times she says, "Mom, you were right when you told me that....".Sharon

What do you mean by "forced her to give him her phone number"? In college orientations, kids often ask each other for phone numbers and/or email addresses, at least until a campus directory comes out with that information. It doesn't necessarily mean that a boy is going to ask a girl out, or that she needs to accept if he does. It can mean that they will ask each other questions about which courses are better and so on. The only time it would be inappropriate would be if the school had a special program for admitted students who are 14-16 (but ready for college work) and who will be housed separately and will have more supervision than students who are 18 or close to it. Most kids go to those things and bring home a dozen or more email addresses from their first admitted student program or orientation session. My daughter started Tulane at 17. Before she made the final decision to enroll, she traveled (alone) to New Orleans (from Maryland) to attend an admitted students event. She met many students and got their email addresses and, occasionally, cell phone numbers. It's just what kids do nowadays, and part of normal socialization. It's like, "Let's keep in touch," whether or not they will actually do so. When she got to campus for the actual school year, she saw and talked to some of the kids, but did not see or hear from some of the others. Now, if a student begins to stalk your daughter, or to make a lot of harassing calls to her, that would be a different story. It should be reported to the college Administration immediately and, if necessary, the police should be contacted. My daughter has never had any such thing occur, however, and to the best of my knowledge, none of her friends ever had such incidents. Now, my daughter does not have a disability, but she has always been much older intellectually than emotionally, and she did have one bout of clinical depression in high school -- successfully treated with medication that she no longer requires. I worried about things like drinking, frat parties where rapes are not uncommon, and so on. We had talked a lot about these things, but it's a whole 'nother animal when your child is off somewhere without you for a whole school year. I'm glad that I didn't let Becca know how worried I was, and let her test her wings, for she blossomed into the most amazingly mature kid in just a few months. She wound up making the Dean's list both semesters, developed an aversion to alcohol after seeing how often an ambulance showed up on campus to collect a student who had passed out drunk, and so on. Socially, she found most of the boys rather immature. She did wind up dating a student that I normally would consider "way too old" for her. He's currently 24 and just got his Master's degree. However, he actually turned out to be a very good choice -- quiet, studious, polite, interested in her career goals, and maybe a bit young, too. He is from India, apparently has nice parents, and is very respectful of women. Becca and Avi have been together for about 8 months now. She knows that the relationship may not last, given that she needs to finish undergraduate school, work for a while, and get a graduate degree. But she wants to enjoy the relationship for now, and seems to be handling it with great maturity. They are both working in California at the moment. (She did work-study on campus and also worked in New Orleans for a month before going to California; she is actually supporting herself and paying off college expenses while there. Becca plans to leave Tulane and transfer to a school in New England or New York because her Tulane program was "too easy" and she hated New Orleans, the paucity of Asian undergrads, and some of the religiously and racially prejudiced attitudes she encountered, even in her own dual degree program, which supposedly was for the best and the brightest. Avi has said that he's willing to follow her and find work, but who knows what will happen. They are both young. So even though your daughter has a disability, my feeling is that you have to recognize that your role really has to change, now that she is in college. You are going to have to let her be more independent, and to find her own way. Let her tell you about things if you wish, but don't pry or criticize too much. Let her make her own choices and learn from occasional mistakes. Surprisingly, the values and such that you taught her will stick with her, at least to some extent. And, surprisingly, there will be times she says, "Mom, you were right when you told me that....". Sharon

I mean he intimidated her. She said he kept staring at her while he was leaving, then he came back in and sat down by her, and he just kept not taking no for an answer, she told him she has a boyfriend (true, though a girl should not have to have a boyfriend to say no to a boy), she told him she was willing to take his number, but he wouldn't go for that. I might not have thought much about it except that there was something on a news program recently about a phone number girls could use to give to guys when they didn't feel safe saying 'no'. The article or video (I don't remember exactly when/where I saw/heard about it) said that it has become a real problem, that boys are being aggressive toward girls, there was something about some boy that bashed a girls head into a brick wall because she didn't give him her number. I told my daughter about there being a phone number, but she pointed out she'd run into the boy on campus and then he'd be mad about the fake number. I don't know how to support my daughter in this, how to help her learn to handle this. Your idea of calling the university administration is a good idea. Oh and in case it is a misconception, she is not physically disabled, she has PTSD and other misc emotional issues from abuse.

Two options for her in the future A; The rejection hotline (google it there are a lot of different numbers and some of them are pretty funny, we used this a lot when I was in college) B: If she is worried he will be mad, give her number with 1 digit different So if her number is 555-555-5555 then give him 555-555-6555 Then she can always say oh you must have misunderstood me

Is it me, or is there a reason just saying NO is not an option? Followed by, "I already said no thanks, please don't ask me again."Yes, I get that that doesn't necessarily end it for a dbag like him, but the next step would be reporting to campus police so there's a record. Being wishy washy with guys like that makes them think they have a chance, and only want control. Why give it to them, or make them think you are, and then being worried about how much angrier they'll be when they find out? If they think they can get what they want by pushing, they'll push. If you push back and make your answer clear, they'll go find someone else who is easier to victimize.

Is it me, or is there a reason just saying NO is not an option? Followed by, "I already said no thanks, please don't ask me again." Yes, I get that that doesn't necessarily end it for a dbag like him, but the next step would be reporting to campus police so there's a record. Being wishy washy with guys like that makes them think they have a chance, and only want control. Why give it to them, or make them think you are, and then being worried about how much angrier they'll be when they find out? If they think they can get what they want by pushing, they'll push. If you push back and make your answer clear, they'll go find someone else who is easier to victimize.

These are good, I'll talk to her about these. Thanks!

This seems really reasonable to me, but somehow my daughter, who can be completely defiant and oppositional toward me, is very easily intimidated. I think it is her age (17), I hope she will firm up soon. I'm trying to encourage her to do Rush week because maybe being with a group of girls all the time will give her support for these issues that are so unfamiliar to me.

Is there a victim support group or freshman women's program there that covers this type of thing? Our campus was mainly reactive in these situations and didn't do much til someone got attacked. Now, decades later, they've been outed by the media as one of the more dangerous campuses for women and are being forced by the government to institute protection/educational programs for both men and women so these incidents don't happen. If her university is receiving federal funding, chances are there is a program on campus. I would encourage her to go with a group of friends and empower herself. She needs to know this is a self-preservation issue, not a my-mom-wants-me-to-do-this thing.