What I can and can't handle.

just a word of caution. working with special needs kids and living with them are 2 different things. well, 2 words. knowing what you have gone through and what they are going through are not necessarily equal. we have an adult son with bipolar disorder. it was hard. but he had an underlying attachment to us that made all the difference. at the time we entered the foster care world, you couldn't have told me that in any way that i would have believed it. that was arrogant of me. the truth is that the kids we have in our homes have experienced trauma that we know nothing about. some of them have trauma background that goes right to the womb. their lives have taught them that adults are not to be trusted, may be out to get you in some way, and they will not let you get close in an authentic way for a long time--some never allow it. in the 7 1/2 years i've been a fp, i have had 17 long term and 6 respite kids. some of them have had some pretty severe issues. i've had a cutter and an allegation maker. i've had 3 kids with verifiable mental illnesses. 2 girls had experienced so much abuse in so many ways that they were downright unsafe for my little girl. my little girl was so withdrawn at 2 that she screamed anytime anyone looked at her. her brother, my son, has mild RAD--that's an adventure in and of itself. i've had a child with a cleft palate, one with a skull fracture, 2 kids with meth exposure, and 6 who didn't seem to have many issues at all. one of those kids assaulted us and the police and rescue personnel who came to help. that child was 8. he and his younger brother and sister plotted to murder my 11 yr old son while he was sleeping when he was sick with mono because they wanted his room and then i would love them and he wouldn't be here. nothing we did with those 3 or the 2 little girls worked. they were simply too sick and had no trust account with us--they knew that to live in the world, you got your hit in first. it was an awful way for all of us to live. i know the 3 kids who conspired have healed and have been adopted, but it took separating them into 2 families. it also took nearly 7 years for them to be healthy enough to get there. my son, RAD boy that he is, was our 6th official placement (3 of the kids were fictive kin, not through our agency). we went through a TON of lovely behaviors, 2 counselors, 1 psycho-pharmacologist, and a lot of attachment parenting before we began to see real emotional attachment. i love him to death, but he was never easy. our daughter bonded early--she's like the poster child for intervention, so it does happen. of course, she was 2. but i know of 2 yr olds who are just as damaged as some of my older ones. as crazy as this sounds, i'm not trying to discourage you! yeah, i know. but i'm not. i just wish someone had set me down and told me this was going to be some of the most difficult stuff i would ever do. i don't think i would have believed them--remember, arrogant--but it would have helped. make sure that you are emotionally stable and your meds are in good shape before you enter the foster care world. it's tough. and scary. and heart-wrenching. and the most deeply joyful thing i have ever done.

Thank you for sharing. While I do know that working with and living with are two different experiences, you are also most certainly right that my own experiences don't necessarily equal theirs. I will also be sure to get my meds in order and become as stable as possible before getting into foster care.

Attachment issues to me are the hardest. I have dealt with (as a parent) aspergers, rad, odd, dyslexia, anxiety, prosthetics, wheelchairs and an eating disorder, etc.One of the biggest things is missing out on your kids doing "normal" things. You can't just hire a teen to babysit so you can go out on a date, or go to a parent teacher conference or to a doctors appointment or to get a haircut or whatnot. Of course as a foster parent you also have limits on who you can leave the child with even if they are "normal". Things that your friends kids are able to handle, yours may not. This may include birthday parties, dance classes, sports, Sunday school, sitting on Santa's lap, Easter egg hunts, hanging out with friends, riding a bike, reading, etc. It doesn't sound like a big deal, but when your friends and the parents of your child's peers are posting about their accomplishments it can hurt. Don't underestimate the emotional toll of raising kids with issues. If the child has attachment issues, they won't love you back, they will not trust you. They may do things to annoy you on purpose. Special needs kids are also not immune from normal kid misbehaving, but boy do you get dirty looks if a kid in a wheelchair throws a tantrum because you said no in a store. People seem to have this idea that disabled kids can't misbehave and should not be told no. The thing is you don't get much of a break. I don't know if you will be working, but if you do, special needs kids may or may not have more appointments than other kids (depends on the disability) so you need to be aware of how often you can take off work. Of course foster care again may add a few more things to your schedule, visits, court etc. Some areas they will pick up the child and bring them to visits, other areas will want you to transport. Also daycare centers often do not take kids with severe special needs, some special needs kids do not do well in a day care center, plus as with any kids when they are sick they cannot go to daycare or school. If the child is in school (often special needs kids can start at age 3) depending on your job you may need before and after school care, plus summer, Christmas beak, teacher work days, etc. Your house may need to be more childproof than normal. Each special need is different. Foster care is also a whole different type of parenting. You have special rules, you may not be able to parent the way you normally would. I think it's an awesome thing to do, and so worth it, but also so hard.