Contact has stopped. What now?

Hi Lynda152--Semi-similar situation, adopted as an infant, had great, loving adoptive parents, contacted half-brother and no response....(yet). I understand your feelings of rejection. I try to focus on the belief that I'm a kind and loving person with much gratitude for my life... and the non-response is not about me. Hope this helps.

This is just such a tough thing. I had my records opened when I was 21 and didn't actively search until I was 25 and then everything just came together. I found my mother and wrote her a letter. She has never responded... it's 11 years later. I have an older sister and four older brothers. I'm in reunion with one of my brothers, who is a year older than me. We talk now and then and get together about once a year. The rest of them don't want to have contact with me. My mother is currently denying that I am hers, even though if you look at a picture there is no denying it. My brothers and sister didn't really know what happened to me even though my sister is 13 years older and the rest are 11 9 3 and 1 years older. It is a really, really hard thing. I had to decide that my mother is just damaged and can't face me because facing me would mean reliving the pain she experienced when she lost me. It isn't about me, it is about her and that is ok. I'd try contacting your sister again, even though it is hard to put yourself out there.

Maybe my story will help. My first son was lost to adoption when I was 15--it was the Baby Scoop Era and there was nothing I could do about it (I also turned to alcohol and had messed up relationships; alas, that's not an unusual story). My younger son, who I raised, was the one who did all the leg work and found his brother, and made (e-mail) contact. Heard nothing back for like 3 years. That's when I reached out to my older, had-been-adopted son. We have established a great, albeit odd, relationship that is only through email--haven't met in person although he lives only an hour away (as an aside, most people I know in reunion don't have a FtF meeting while the adoptive mother is still alive). My older son, the one who was adopted by a (great, BTW) family, has an email presence with my younger son, but about a year ago asked for a meeting (with him, not me), and my younger son didn't go for it and still has been stalling. When pressed, which I rarely do, he said he was scared. I'm not sure scared of what (his own emotions? that his brother won't like him? who knows?) So I don't think it's personal. I think it's that when it comes to reunion, it's very uncharted territory and all sorts of emotions come into play that have nothing to do with any one being rejected as an individual. With reunions, all sorts of emotions and questions come into play--for adopted people, am I being disloyal to my aparents if I reach out (hence so many reunions happening only after the aparents have passed), and maybe for a sibling, am I being disloyal to my parent if I have this relationship? Plus, it's just really freaking weird for all of us who have been part of this bizarre culture of adoption as practiced in America to meet people with whom we have the most intimate relationships--whether parent and child or siblings -- as adult strangers. Just as you are hurt, someone else might be distancing themselves because they're thinking, what if she doesn't like me? So there may be many reasons what you are hoping for on this trip won't happen at this time, but it is really, really, I'm sure, not about you.

I think is it sort of like stage fright for some. I caught it and it shocked me big time. I searched and found everyone. I wanted to meet and get to know everyone. I had met my mother and my half sister once, we live about 600 miles away from each other. My sister and I had talked on the phone quite a bit and she was traveling near me and suggested she stop by or we meet up somewhere. I freaked a little, and scared is a good word for what I felt. I think she intimidated me some, was worried about what our meeting could do to me and my mothers relationship, just worried about anything I could be worried about. One thing being I was thinking that I could blow it all with one dumb comment, or she would see something she didn't know about me and/or didn't like. I was afraid we would argue about something, I was a little afraid something not so good might happen. Still not really sure why I freaked. But I got out of it, said I wasn't in town that week. I really couldn't believe I did that! I really wanted to see her! We have since met up, and send xmas cards and talk once or twice a year, but I really couldn't believe I did that. I'll never tell her I did that:o It really can be just freakin weird and bizarre at times, for everyone, simple as that.