Advice on troubles with BM in a relative adoption.

All I can say is get a restraining order if she's harrassing you. Your daughter is now your daughter legally and she has no say in where/when/etc...you allow her to see her. If she's acting like this I would do whatever I could to protect the child and make her safe. I'm lucky in the only contact I have with my daughters biomom is via FB and that's limited also. Even our daughter who is almost 15 now blocked her biomom and is very vocal about not wanting to talk to her. She has no way to contact us nor knows where we live (but I'm sure she could figure that out online). I let her know clearly I really don't want to have her in our daughters lives either and we were not required to have an OA agreement (which I am thankful of that). And biomom is across the country living so it's not like she can come by anytime she likes. She is also a drug addict and has been arrested a bunch of times lately. Can you decide to shut off visits on your OA? I am not too familiar with them. But I would put my foot down if it's affecting your daughter. It's not fair to her to have to go thru such turmoil. Sorry I can't help much. I wish you lots of luck.

First, call your social worker. He/she may be able to talk some sense into the birthmother.Open adoption does not mean having to let the birthmother wander into and out of your home whenever she wants. You probably don't even let your own mother do that, and it's certainly not in the best interests of your child. Open adoption works well if both parents and birthparents agree to a very specific schedule of visits -- for example, the day before the child's birthday and two days before Christmas, at 2 p.m., for one hour in the local McDonald's.Also, an open adoption requires an element of trust between the bio parents and the adoptive parents. Rumors that the birthmother is considering trying to kidnap your daughter certainly won't contribute to building that trust.If the social worker invites the birthmother and you, both, to a meeting, perhaps he/she can get you both to talk about your expectations and see if you can come to a new, mutual agreement as to how often, and under what circumstances, she may see your daughter. Let me suggest that you might want to insist on having visits at the social worker's office for a while, as you really don't want to open your home to a woman who has threatened to steal your child. If that doesn't work, see if you can schedule the visits for a public place. Make sure that she understands that she cannot bring her current boyfriend or other friends; you don't know them, and it sounds as if they may be behind some of the threats. If you ever do agree to a visit in your home, make it clear that she cannot bring her friends, and that you never allow any weapons in your home.If the meeting with the social worker doesn't take place, and if she and her friends keep showing up at your workplace or home, you are certainly justified in getting a restraining order. But do try, before resorting to this method, having a conversation with her, using the social worker as a facilitator. That way, you can demonstrate that you are committed to the idea of appropriate openness.If the birthmother refuses to come to the meeting, or walks out of it, and if you wind up getting a restraining order, please be aware that such orders are often violated. Protect yourself and your child. If your child is in day care, for example, make sure that the day care workers have a copy of the order of protection and a picture of the birthmother and her current boyfriend. Tell them to call the police if the birthmother shows up.Change your phone number if you start getting hostile or profane phone calls. Or see if the police will agree to wiretap your phone so that they can hear any threats that are made. Get an alarm system and a peephole in your front door, so you can see who's ringing the doorbell. Always have a trusted adult with your child. Learn to recognize the birthmother's car, and the boyfriend's car, and call the police if you see them in the neighborhood or following you.Open adoption is wonderful -- except when it isn't. Sharon

First, call your social worker. He/she may be able to talk some sense into the birthmother. Open adoption does not mean having to let the birthmother wander into and out of your home whenever she wants. You probably don't even let your own mother do that, and it's certainly not in the best interests of your child. Open adoption works well if both parents and birthparents agree to a very specific schedule of visits -- for example, the day before the child's birthday and two days before Christmas, at 2 p.m., for one hour in the local McDonald's. Also, an open adoption requires an element of trust between the bio parents and the adoptive parents. Rumors that the birthmother is considering trying to kidnap your daughter certainly won't contribute to building that trust. If the social worker invites the birthmother and you, both, to a meeting, perhaps he/she can get you both to talk about your expectations and see if you can come to a new, mutual agreement as to how often, and under what circumstances, she may see your daughter. Let me suggest that you might want to insist on having visits at the social worker's office for a while, as you really don't want to open your home to a woman who has threatened to steal your child. If that doesn't work, see if you can schedule the visits for a public place. Make sure that she understands that she cannot bring her current boyfriend or other friends; you don't know them, and it sounds as if they may be behind some of the threats. If you ever do agree to a visit in your home, make it clear that she cannot bring her friends, and that you never allow any weapons in your home. If the meeting with the social worker doesn't take place, and if she and her friends keep showing up at your workplace or home, you are certainly justified in getting a restraining order. But do try, before resorting to this method, having a conversation with her, using the social worker as a facilitator. That way, you can demonstrate that you are committed to the idea of appropriate openness. If the birthmother refuses to come to the meeting, or walks out of it, and if you wind up getting a restraining order, please be aware that such orders are often violated. Protect yourself and your child. If your child is in day care, for example, make sure that the day care workers have a copy of the order of protection and a picture of the birthmother and her current boyfriend. Tell them to call the police if the birthmother shows up. Change your phone number if you start getting hostile or profane phone calls. Or see if the police will agree to wiretap your phone so that they can hear any threats that are made. Get an alarm system and a peephole in your front door, so you can see who's ringing the doorbell. Always have a trusted adult with your child. Learn to recognize the birthmother's car, and the boyfriend's car, and call the police if you see them in the neighborhood or following you. Open adoption is wonderful -- except when it isn't. Sharon