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Ok out of the blue I get a fb message from bio daughter. Telling me please stay out of her relationship with bio mom she isn't coming back to me. I tell her I am not inteferring and I have no desire to intefere.
Long story short this lead to a conversation with her apologizing and telling me she was sorry for the hurt she has caused and will do anything to help us heal. She has forgiven us for our part and has almost forgiven herself. She was just trying to survive blahblah blah but she wants her family back and thinks she can do it without hurting us and she thinks she can approach it with a level head being out on her own.
WTF my husband said maybe seeing her birth dad on his death bed made her realize how important fmily is. I said I think she just wants get back in good with her dad and her sister so she can see her niece. I do not know what to do!
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You said bio daughter in the OP, so that may be confusing.
Wowza! I really don't know what I'd do. Maybe accept her back but let her know what you will and will not tolerate? Keep your heart guarded? Treat the situation like a foster placement you hope will be permanent but is more likely to be a long, drawn out RU? Show her she has two families and she doesn't have to choose one over the other (does she?)
What does your therapist say? (Do you have one you trust?)
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not offering any advice--i'm just a mom in the trenches, too.
my son who has bipolar--a bio kid--stormed out. he had made enough allegations to the p-doc (who was a total butt) that the doc told me to leave my husband! yes. instead, we walked out of the doc's office and never went back.
and condemned ourselves to another 3 years of hell until we found another doctor who got it.
when he was 19 he moved out. then he hit a rough patch and we told him he could come home if he did 2 things--took his meds and did no violence to anyone in the house. he lasted about 3 weeks. then he was told to leave after a particularly ugly evening.
he's 26 now. he's not ever lived here again. it took 9 months before he'd speak to me, another 2 years before he talked to me like he actually knew me. our relationship is MUCH better now, but it wouldn't have been if we hadn't have determined that this was not working.
do i advocate letting her back in the house? i don't know. i remember all of the drama she caused. i remember the pain you spoke of. i remember what it did to your marriage. my question is this: is your husband on the same page as you now? if not, then it's going to be a triangulation issue. if so, will he support the boundaries you'll need to be safe and comfortable in your own home?
at this point, she's an adult. a young one, but an adult all the same. and her allegations may mean little--she now has the ability to leave. that is a big relief legally, but not so much emotionally.
prayers for you sassafras. this doesn't get easier, just more familiar. and you have to take care of yourself.
Crap I meant adopted daughter LOL . I cAN'T go edit.
She is not asking to come back to the house. She could never. I honestly do not know if I could ever let her spend the night here EVER. She isn't asking for anything really.
I don't have a therapist because I went thru EMDR therapy and resolved alot but I would be lying if i said this hasn't stirred some old feelings again.
Yes husband fully backs me now. We are happier and stronger than we have ever been and he does not want to jeopardized that. I set the pace and he has made that very clear.
She has made it very clear she doesn't want to do therapy and I guess that makes sense. we have had all the therapy in the world and re hashing old stuff will do not good. I just hate the idea of her coming back in and getting alll the benefits of her sister, her new niece etc after what she has done but how I do keep punishing her forever. i can't. It is just all very unexpected and scary and once again competing with the birth family who will cheer her on no matte what she does because they are so glad to have her back in their lives and yes I feel betrayed at that.