BTDT people...life after adoption

The first thing to consider is what level of contact can you have that would be safe. With some people too much openness or visitations can be bad because as you noted the parents are unstable and you can't control what happens. It is important that you are in a position to control everything about the relationship between your children and their bio family. Before you get to the point of cutting off all contact, think about how to cut the amount of contact down to a manageable level. Even if that means you are only sending pics and updates, at least there is some type of contact.The reason I suggest this is so in the future, you will be able to say and show that you provided them with every way possible to have contact, but they failed to uphold their end of the arrangement. What level of contact do you have now and are there visits?

From Feb-June bio GPs had 5 different overnight visits and was calling 4-8 times per week for about an hour each time, sometimes multiple times daily. However the original agreement was 30 days of no contact then weekly calls and a monthly visit. After any contact, kids have aggressive & rude behaviors. GM also does things out of spite, like giving them a bag of candy for supper, undermining our house rules, bringing them home hours late, and telling the oldest that he shouldn't be on his meds., plus making up stories and drama. Then she wants to pretend to be friends and deny anything is wrong. After the visit in June, both kids completely shut down. They wouldn't come out of their rooms, play, hardly ate, etc for 3 days. They are 3 and 5. So I spoke with SW, decided to cut back contact to one weekly, hour long call and an overnight visit every other month. I believe that is more than fair, as does the SW. Bio GM was furious. She called me and it wasn't pretty. She was very upset that anything was "on record" and threatened suicide to me. She then called GAL trying to get kids back (She gave them up voluntarily after parents were TPRed) and when she was told no, threatened suicide to GAL. So GAL called a meeting after this behavior from her. We found out some information regarding GM that we weren't aware of (if she hadn't voluntarily gave them up, they were being removed). Since our adoption will be final very soon, GAL & SW are leaving it up to me to decide if we want to continue any contact at all but stated Bio GPs are not to have any more overnight or alone visits. We are sooo over all the drama with her and the problems it causes our kids. I might consider an update letter and pics twice a year, but I really think bio GM will blow a gasket when she finds out she can't have visits and calls. I wouldn't be surprised if we have to end up with a restraining order.

Sounds like the usual stuff that families do. :mad: We've had many threads over the years about this. I suggest that you put everything into writing so you have something all parties can read. To begin decide what you are comfortable with doing right after the adoption. Start with the pics and updates and no personal visits of any kind the first year. I think it is important for the kids to have a year of no visits so they can become settled into the new life without the drama and upheaval. If you want to try to develop a relationship with the bios over the long haul, then put a time table into your paperwork. Write out specific rules that must be followed if a visit is to happen. Things to consider are; picking a public visit place, who the bios can bring to the visit, what they can bring(some bring huge presents and it causes issues), they can not be high or under the influence, they will refer to you as Mom/Dad, they will not say anything concerning the children ever returning to their house, or say anything negative about you. Decide how a visit will be planned. Who picks the place(you should), how often before the visit do they have to contact you to confirm they will be there, and what happens if they are late. Be very exact in your rules. I know it might sound picky, but it's up to them to follow the rules in order to have a visit and by doing so, it shows they care. If they can't be bothered to call a week or day in advance to say they will be there, then they don't get a visit. Limit what they can bring. No giant toys, junk food, crazy objects(think motorized cars), etc. Sometimes they want to being objects to show they care and that's ok, if the things are appropriate. Limit who can come to the visit. No cousins, uncles, great Aunt's twice removed,etc. Make sure they understand they can never say anything about the kids coming home, moving away, coming back to their real Mom/family, nor can they refer to you as anything but Mom/Dad. Cards and small toys are appropriate. Limit the visit to 2-3 hours at most. Don't have them near or on a special day of any kind(birthday, holiday, etc). Require them to send a birthday card during the first year. If they can do that , then maybe they can be on the path to building a relationship that can grow over time slowly. If they can't manage to follow that simple rule, then just keep to your updates and pics. When asked about a visit refer back to your original written rules that must be followed for a visit.

I tell my kids that when they are older they will get to decide whether or not to have their biological parents in their lives. I tell them that their bio mom was never taught to be a good mom and was never taught how to raise kids and keep them safe so now she doesn't know how to keep kids safe and that's why they can't be around her right now. I say that it's my job as a mom to make sure my family is safe and happy and, agree or not, right or wrong, happy or sad, I have to make decisions regarding contact that not everyone will be happy with. That said, I NEVER EVER badmouth their mom. If they bring up something she did/said I just glibly say something along the lines of, "She must not have known that not brushing your teeth is an unhealthy habit. You can't be mad at your mom for not knowing." Then we continue on. I absolutely, 100percent think that your kids need a good long at least six month period to bond with you and ONLY you as parents. They don't need the confusion of having to go back and forth between families -especially when the two families have such different parenting techniques (or lack of!!!!) It's stressful and confusing and, IMO, a three and five year old cannot process why they are going back and forth. They need to bond to YOU as family and then be able to develop a relationship with bio family that may be only as much as a 'cool' distant uncle that sends them that really awesome singing card and those really awesome dinosaur stickers on their birthday. Then, as the kids grow and bio family stays appropriate, maybe you can add some contact as the kids start asking questions and showing interest.

I tell my kids that when they are older they will get to decide whether or not to have their biological parents in their lives. I tell them that their bio mom was never taught to be a good mom and was never taught how to raise kids and keep them safe so now she doesn't know how to keep kids safe and that's why they can't be around her right now. I say that it's my job as a mom to make sure my family is safe and happy and, agree or not, right or wrong, happy or sad, I have to make decisions regarding contact that not everyone will be happy with. That said, I NEVER EVER badmouth their mom. If they bring up something she did/said I just glibly say something along the lines of, "She must not have known that not brushing your teeth is an unhealthy habit. You can't be mad at your mom for not knowing." Then we continue on. I absolutely, 100percent think that your kids need a good long at least six month period to bond with you and ONLY you as parents. They don't need the confusion of having to go back and forth between families -especially when the two families have such different parenting techniques (or lack of!!!!) It's stressful and confusing and, IMO, a three and five year old cannot process why they are going back and forth. They need to bond to YOU as family and then be able to develop a relationship with bio family that may be only as much as a 'cool' distant uncle that sends them that really awesome singing card and those really awesome dinosaur stickers on their birthday. Then, as the kids grow and bio family stays appropriate, maybe you can add some contact as the kids start asking questions and showing interest.

Thank you everyone! Your comments have helped so much with planning what I want to say. Hubs and I decided we will wait to tell STBAS about bios with his therapist. That way we have help on hand if needed.