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Hello. I am new to these forums. I have a little 6 year old boy, D, and recently welcomed another 6 year old boy, J, into our family. J will be a permanent member of our family. He is doing quite well. He is well mannered, calm, well spoken, etc. We've had a few good meltdowns but over all he is adjusting OK.
D, on the other hand, not so much. Just seeing J sets him off and you can see a huge change of attitude when J is around. Our sweet, kind, compassionate little boy turns into a rage-o-holic who screams and hits. It isn't something we've ever seen before.
In all of our training, we've been taught how to handle the new child's behavior but I can find very little information on how to deal with D's behavior.
We do have a family therapist that everyone raves about but I am kind of on the fence about.
Any and all advice would be greatly appreciated!
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Have you tried asking your son about it? Start when you two are alone and things are calm, maybe in the car, and say something like, "I've noticed X. What's up?" Then listen to what he says. An adult's assumptions may be incorrect and it isn't going to help treating it like, say, sibling rivalry if it's actually that kids at camp are teasing him about his new brother, for example, or he's upset because you stopped tucking him in at night the same time this new brother arrived. He's old enough to communicate... ask him why he's acting like that and see what he says.
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Kirstie0505
Have you tried asking your son about it? Start when you two are alone and things are calm, maybe in the car, and say something like, "I've noticed X. What's up?" Then listen to what he says. An adult's assumptions may be incorrect and it isn't going to help treating it like, say, sibling rivalry if it's actually that kids at camp are teasing him about his new brother, for example, or he's upset because you stopped tucking him in at night the same time this new brother arrived. He's old enough to communicate... ask him why he's acting like that and see what he says.
Ah, sounds like sibling rivalry. Have you tried focused bonding activities and experiences for them? A day together at the water park, a treasure hunt or other game where it's boys against the parents, video game where they have to work together, etc. It's tough for your son being in that situation... Being six and suddenly having another six year old boy in the house. It must be frustrating and overwhelming. But if you can show them that they can have fun together, that now he's got a new partner in crime, that will help.
Also, have you carved out some individual time or attention just for him? A bedtime story alone, for example. Might help show him that he hasn't lost your attention.
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We're doing all that through family therapy. I guess I am really looking for a short term solution to get D to stop hitting and screaming "I HATE YOU" at J all the time.We tried giving him a ball to squeeze when he was angry but he ended up just throwing the ball at J.We tried having him leave the room.We tried putting into words his feelings (ie when he screams "I HATE YOU" we would say "I don't like when you xxxxx").These are all ongoing things we do but the hitting and "I HATE YOUs" continue.It breaks my heart for J. Everyone in this kid is rejecting him - kids at school bully him, my son hits him at home, his family, etc. Poor little guy :(
We're doing all that through family therapy. I guess I am really looking for a short term solution to get D to stop hitting and screaming "I HATE YOU" at J all the time.
We tried giving him a ball to squeeze when he was angry but he ended up just throwing the ball at J.
We tried having him leave the room.
We tried putting into words his feelings (ie when he screams "I HATE YOU" we would say "I don't like when you xxxxx").
These are all ongoing things we do but the hitting and "I HATE YOUs" continue.
It breaks my heart for J. Everyone in this kid is rejecting him - kids at school bully him, my son hits him at home, his family, etc. Poor little guy :(
The PPs are trying to give you options for nipping the issues in the bud before he gets angry. If you are truly looking for a solution to the situation when it's already there, have you considered time-in?
Have him come sit by you while you cook, or sit on your lap until he is calm, that type of thing (look up time-in). He needs to be immediately removed from what he's doing, put in a boring place but near you or DH, and then can leave when he's calm, or the timer goes off, etc.
That said, trying to create an atmosphere where it doesn't get to the breaking point is the long term solution. It does sound like jealousy/sibling rivalry. Try giving him 30 mins (15 if you can't do 30) of your focused attention DAILY (where DH takes J to do something else) and then you switch. Play what he wants to play, let him be captain, etc. Read the book Siblings without Rivalry. It's agreat one.
so we got together with our family therapist and he gave us some great advice. wanted to put it out there in case anyone else comes across this looking for the same advice....we basically now treat them like toddlers. they are not left alone together. When playing, one is on one side of the room and the other across the room. A parent has to sit in the middle as a physical barrier. Hitting has stopped because he doesn't have the opportunity to do it!
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