A bit of soul bearing

Hello all. This is both introduction and a long post about why I'm here. I know some questions I'll find answers to in exploring the different threads, and for others I'll probably repost in the relevant subforums once I know my way around. I'm looking at this as an opportunity to be completely blunt to people who have much more knowledge and skill than I do, and simply ask for thoughts and opinions. I'm 34 years old and from adolescence to age 30, while I had an abstract interest in education, cognition, child development, etc (in part to solve some of my personal mysteries, as I do have low level aspergers syndrome, and in part out of genuine curiosity), I wanted absolutely nothing to do with interacting with children. That was in part due to chronic illness due to a gluten intolerance I didn't know I had, which triggered sensory overload issues (certain sounds like nails on a chalk board, scents could trigger instant migraines, and a generalized irritation with the world--if you had a constant sensation of nails on chalkboard running down your neck regardless of circumstances, that only increased or decreased, but never went away, you'd be cranky, too ;-)). Figuring out the gluten intolerance was a life changing experience for me. Most of those issues went away. I'm a different person. And at the same time there was a situation in my extended family that involved low level neglect and given the psychological issues of the person in question, a situation which had the potential to be problematic later (They did have a caseworker, and eventually due to the actions of the mother, the child was placed in foster care and adopted, which was the best possible outcome in my opinion). During that time, I babysat for the first time in my life....two days later the actions of the birth mother caused the child to be put in foster care. While as I said, that was probably the best scenario, I know it hurt my cousin (the birth mother) badly, I can't imagine how much since simply that one encounter, and never seeing the child again cut into my heart as well. Lets just say in the past few years I've come to terms with a new respect for something I never understood before that point, the very intense desire to be involved in a child's life, to care for another...I do feel some guilt over my attitude in the past toward having children. -Not toward raising a child, I always considered that something worthy of immense respect when done right, and something that earlier in my own life wouldn't have been an option for me. -More toward questioning the ethics of having a child when there are so many in the world already in need, the ranking of one's genetics over an existing child in need. Whatever the intellectual underpinnings of that stance though, I certainly now empathize more with the strength of that instinct toward having one's own. That may sound high-horse. It probably is. I don't know. Since then though, I've tried to get involved at a small scale level, as much to get to know myself, and whether this is just an abstract desperate ideal for someone in her 30s and wanting a purpose (which can be a valid starting point, but without experience, without exploring one's own limits, abilities, etc, can be setting one up for a major fall--and when a child is involved, the child as well). Perhaps my own past, and my attitude toward kids, which I made no secret of to my extended family works against me (when you don't have any hope, you make jokes about being a bad influence, your eccentricities, you emphasize your freedoms to hide the perceived inadequacies). Perhaps its just because I don't live near anyone I know well, I'm rather out of the way and don't drive. A bit eccentric. I don't have a TV and although I am a tech person, I'm deeply ambivalent about technology and kids, though everyone I know has provided their children with smartphones and tablets in homes devoid of books, games, other hands on things. But whatever else the case may be although I've offered several times, and the only reasons for refusal that anyone has given are: -The fact that I'm agnostic (the extended family is vaguely fundamentalist Christian, and usually that's acted as a good support network for them, their kids, etc, though in a few instances some parents instead of parenting, every time their child has a problem it's because the child "is rejecting God" or "Hasn't accepted Jesus into their hearts", rather than acknowledging that there are legitimate external problems in the world). -The fact that I don't have a TV, and that I'm weird/strange because I have so many books (yes, that has been cited as something they mistrust....and while I bite my tongue because I don't want to cause offense and alienate people further, my thought is that this is one reason (of several) that their kids are usually dropping out of high school by the time they turn 16). -The fact that I don't have a car (although I do have a driver's license and can drive, I prefer not to, due to depth perception issues). I've been told this is a liability in case of emergencies. In one way I can see their point. But my dad used to be a volunteer worker for the fire department and a volunteer EMT. I've heard first hand (and in one case as a kid, saw first hand) the consequences and tragedy of a parent panicked by a sick child, trying to drive to the hospital, and getting in a severe wreck along the way. Moreover, in every official context (whether academic coursework, or simply talk with officials in medical or other capacities), I have always read and heard it emphasized that in a true emergency situation, even with your own kids, the distraction is too great to risk driving and that one should always call an ambulance in a true emergency. I'm reluctant to offer services to any total stranger via craigslist or anywhere else. Thought about volunteer opportunities like Big Brother Big Sister, but not having a car makes that not a viable option in my area either. Other local volunteer opportunities involve crowds. Which, if it's one on one interaction with the same child throughout isn't a problem, but I'm still easily confused when I'm in a place with more than 5 or 6 people, if I need to divide my attention between them. I know simply from a few family gatherings that I can easily enough focus on one child no matter how hyper...that despite the group setting. But several, not so much. I do know people who have had about as much experience as I have with kids, who jumped in (usually required by circumstance, the needs of family, a close friend) and thrived. If we were referring to solo hobbies, things where only I faced the consequences if it turned out I was unsuited, I would jump straight in. But foster care, adoption, that's an entirely different lifetime commitment that will shape for better or for worse the life of another. And I have watched it go both ways at a distance. Having an abstract working knowledge of how things might play out (or might not), of how to approach a situation, of what to do and what not to do....is good. But without at least some practical skill, knowledge, experience to back it up....can be an idealistic liability. Currently, and for the last few years, adoption or fostering is something I've wanted so much that it hurts. It feels right. It feels like what I SHOULD be doing. But I do have the self knowledge sufficient to recognize that sometimes the stronger the initial longing, the bigger the crash when the reality of the situation sets in, and I have my own unique past struggles that concern me should I ever have a relapse (Many people don't, but the worry is always there). And in this particular instance...I'm also going through a phase in my life where I'm particularly alone, isolated, and when I'm entirely honest with myself, I wonder if that's one of the strong underlying factors. That as a motivation again isn't a bad thing, provided it doesn't dominate and distort interactions later. But, I already myself had to virtually play therapist to a lonely adult in my own childhood, I don't want to inadvertently put another child in that position. I've not expressed this in its fullness to anyone face to face yet. The anonymity of online interactions feels safer at the moment. I'm not sure what to ask yet, except for maybe other people's first thoughts, any advice, recommendations that come to mind, on any of the above concerns. I'll be reading in the forum with interest.