D.A.D.?, disruption adoption

i'm confused. won't have any issues with a new family because of RAD? do they think that her issues are specific to them? has she seen qualified people for diagnosis and treatment? what were the outcomes? i'd ask that for sure. RAD travels with the kid--it isn't generally situational. they don't trust anyone. they are charming to get what they want. you may get a honeymoon of no trouble, but after whatever period that may be (and it could be extremely short), look out. you'll be seeing the same things they see. ask about what dark and brooding actually looks like. ask why the 'safety boundaries' and what they entail. if she perpetrates on other kids or animals, you'll need to look for it again. ask about violence. does she attack? does she destroy things? does she target mom or dad or one of the sibs? what kinds of things does she do when she goes off? in fact, does she go off or does she rage? for how long? what deescalates the event? be as specific as you can be. don't be shy--you need to know exactly what's going on and how it will affect your family. don't assume that you know about attachment issues because you've been successful with your son. if you've see one attachment disordered kid, you've seen one attachment disordered kid, you know? i'd be really, REALLY worried about the mom-diagnosed RAD. seriously. if they've done nothing in the way of seeking mental health support, you don't know it's RAD. and it's no fun raising a kid who has RAD. they can be super charming, but they can also be very scary at times. i'm sure that some can heal--my son's doing a fine job of it--but some don't seem to be able to. ask everything you can think of, even if it sounds ridiculously minor. you need to know in advance so that you can decide if this child will fit into your existing family. can you keep them safe? can you keep her safe? can you find the right professional help for her? ask it all. good luck to you.

Greenrobin, Thanks for replying. I do know answers to a few of those questions. They stated that she does great with pets, and is not violent at all. But that she "broods" and uses food as a manipuation tool, vomitting when distressed for example. It was also stated thay she did repite care for one month and did very well in the family. I agree with you that she needs to be "truly" diagnosed. She has had doctor visits in past, all relating to a skin condition and possible ADHD, but it was a family physician. I also do not believe that her issues will magically disappear with a new family.

I get the feeling that the mom is saying that the girl will not have any problems moving to a new family due to her RAD. She will be great at first. That's how these kids work. Research RAD thoroughly.

my first thought is the adoptive mom does not have a clear understanding of RAD. Either that or she is flat out minimizing behaviors. As another poster said RAD is basically like baggage-- it goes along with you when you go. RAD behaviors, in my experience are generally targeted toward the caregivers who are there permanently. Once the girl is gone from the adoptive family and goes to a different family the RAD type behaviors will also be projected onto the new caregivers. Do your research on RAD-- there are many APs on these forums who have dealt with it and have posted in regard to it. Read some of the posts-- it may give you an idea of what to expect. There are a lot of parents on here who have had RAD kids who have said NEVER AGAIN. There is a reason for that.

How old is this kid? After reading your post I would be careful. If she's not violent why do they have safety boundaries in place? Plus she's losing her old family And siblings which could stir up a lot.

I personally would run. It sound like they are trying to minimize her behavior. Have you personally seen her medical records? Also you have kids that will be affected over this. From what I'm reading she sounds like she has RAD's, They often get links with other diagnose, before the RAD's are confirmed. Also I wouldn't take her that she hasn't been diagnosed with RAD's, unless you medical records.

A few things come to mind. But first and foremost, if you are looking to adopt a child who will turn out like you adopted son and thinking that you can repeat that experience, this is most likely not it. Unless you are looking to adopt a troubled child who will take a lot of work and affect all of your family members, I wouldn't even consider it. You got some good suggestions for questions. Regardless of the answers, keep in mind that you will be adding another layer to the loss by separating her from her sisters. I doubt that is going to do anything other than make things WAY worse. Don't discount mom being the one who diagnosed her as RAD. Sure, it is not a valid diagnosis but that mom knows there is something up. She is not having issues with the older two. The fact that she is not trying to just keep the youngest makes me think her concerns are valid. Last thing before I just go on and on all day, the only way I would even remotely consider this is if the little girl is significantly younger than your current kids. Like at least 6 years between her and the next closest kid in age. Then I might accept that she has time to heal and will not have too much of an adverse affect on your current kids. Very last thing, assuming this is a private adoption between you and the family, I would also ask about what assistance the family receives and if that would be transferable to you. If this was an international adoption, I think that makes them ineligible of Medicaid. Which means that she will be stuck with whatever mental health coverage your private insurance covers with no help from the state. You could quickly go broke if she needs lots of therapy or inpatient treatment or a long term residential placement. That is something you definitely want to clearly understand before you go any further.

I would assume the mom meant that the child has no attachment to anyone so wouldn't miss them when moving to a new family. (and may seem eager to do so at first) I would want to know what behaviors the parents have seen that would lead them to suspect RAD (has she been evaluated at all?) I would fully research this disorder if you aren't very familiar with it so you are prepared from the start as to how you want to parent her and help her heal from this disorder/trauma and what if any precautions you need to take to protect your other children.