Advertisements
[FONT="Arial"]I am facing a very strange and difficult situation and would welcome any suggestion or feedback from the wonderful people here. A little bit of backstory. Years ago I was able to acquire my adoption file. At the time I was curious what information that I would be able to obtain. I wasn't really interested in attempting to find my B-Mom because my A-Mom was still alive and I just didn't feel right about it. I had a very good life with my A-parents. Granted there were definitely some very rocky times and I have suffered the self-esteem issues that I've read are common with our situation, but they gave me every opportunity a child and young adult could ever want in life. Fast forward to several months ago. I mentioned to a very good friend that I had been doing some genealogy research and was curious about my ancestors. I was only able to find information back to the 1800s in the US and was interested in learning anything I could about heritage farther back. Her husband has been an avid genealogy buff for many years and she offered his assistance. I agreed to allow him to help. I do not know him but I have been friends with this woman for 20 years. A week passed and one morning I woke up to find an email from him. He told me that he found my B-mom and that he called her to confirm that she was the one! He said that he was writing her a letter to explain the reason for his call and to ask her if she would be interested in contact with me. There was also an email from my friend stating that she was shocked that he had done this without consulting her or me! This all was a total shock. I wrote her back and asked what was said in the phone call. I told her that I hadn't had an intention of contacting my B-Mom and then restated my intentions as noted above. I admit that my curiosity was raised but I just wasn't certain that I wanted to go there. I asked what would be stated in the letter. She was very vague. We went back and forth for a day or so about it. Next thing I knew she, or her husband had gotten angry about the entire situation. She told me that he had torn up the letter and that the project was over. She stated that if I wanted to know this woman that I would need to contact her myself. I admit that I was a relieved but also a little depressed. It just seemed like such a strange situation! Two weeks ago I received another email from my friends husband. He stated that, unbeknownst to my friend that he had sent letter anyway! He was writing to tell me that he had received correspondence from my B-mother and that the letter was written by her daughter, my sister. The letter stated that my B-mother very much wanted to know me and to let me know that I was not a mistake, the situation was the mistake! Of course that statement hit home with me one thousand fold but again, I was totally floored that he took this liberty. I had no idea that the letter was sent and am very upset that I was told otherwise !! In his email he also stated that he wanted me to keep this between him, my B-mother and myself. He said that my friend, his wife, was under a great deal of stress due to a devastating illness and upcoming dangerous surgery of another friend of hers and that he didn't want me to speak of this with her. She wasn't aware that he had sent the letter. I canҒt tell you how floored I was by all this but I thought that since he had opened the door I could just go through it and see what happens. I was totally unprepared for what happened next. I've gone into this with blinders on. I decided that I would not have any expectations going in. At least that way I wouldnt be disappointed if the situation didnҒt materialize. If she didnt call. He suggested that we set a date and time for our first contact call and stated that he was sending her a letter with my phone number. She called last Sunday and my B-brother and B-sister were there as well. They put me on speaker phone and there was this gushing of emotion and questions. I was totally unprepared for this reaction. Since last Sunday my B-sister has emailed me Every. Single. Day! She has sent pictures every time and also asked me a lot of personal questions. I have always been a very private person and so this became increasingly difficult. I understand that every email I sent in response was communicated to my B-mother. I sent photos in return hoping that my B-sister would show them to my B-mother. Then I learned that she lives 35 miles from her and hadnҒt been able to share them with her but TOLD her about them. So I've shared all this with the B-Sister and the B-mother was left out in the cold. Not a good situation in my mind. My B-mother is in her 70s and is not in good health. I learned this week that she has a visiting nurse. I've also learned that she is very emotional about this (understandably so!) and likely as conflicted and confused as I am. She kept this a secret all of her life and is a very sensitive woman, just like me. I'm afraid of what the shock and emotions that go along with it will do to her. To complicate matters, I was raised in an upper-middle class background. It appears that these people are not nearly as fortunate. Frankly my B-sisterҒs husband looks pretty scary to me. Lord help me, I know that sounds so superficial but I cant help it. IҒm just not use to this sort of thing. I dont by any stretch of the imagine picture myself perfect, but I canҒt help but think that this is not someone that I would associate with and if he is suitable to her and accepted by the family Given the family photos it is obvious that compared to theirs, my life and upbringing were absolutely opulent! I just donŒt know what to do with all of this! I feel that this clueless man had some romantic notion of reconciliation and thought that he was doing me a favor. In his words Fulfilling a dream.Ӕ I NEVER communicated that to him or to his wife! I feel that he has created this tremendous and hurtful problem between me and these people who are my B-family! To complicate matters, evidently my B-brother is very good friends with my fathers son!! It is a very small town. These guys knew nothing of this until my B-mother confessed to her children once she received the letter. Turns out that this guy lost his wife and sister recently. His father and mother died years ago. My B-brother told him about me and now HE wants me to call him because he has no family!!! This has, within a weeksҒ time, become more than I can bare. My B-Mother wants me to send her photos and I would like to include a letter along with them. I would like to explain how overwhelmed I am with all of this but frankly I dont know what to say. I wish that I could tell them how this came about but am afraid that it would cause more pain. I donҒt know what to do about this situation. I wish that this had never happened. I dont want to hurt anyone and I am afraid that this will be the case. IҒm really upset with both my friend and her husband. I dont know if I can get past this and forgive the gross overstepping of boundaries. I know that this is extremely long and I appreciate if anyone has hung in to this point. Any suggestions or advice would be greatly appreciated. I just do not know what to do.[/FONT]
Like
Share
Advertisements
That was an amazing story. I'm not an adoptee but my husband is and I've been watching him as he reunites. If your friend's husband could have seen what I've seen he might have been more sensitive. Your responses--including feeling totally overwhelmed--are totally normal. This is a very sensitive issue and should be entered into very carefully. However, that's the ideal and the ideal doesn't always happen. I can bet that among the confusion, anger, and anxiety you're feeling there is also a little bit (or maybe a big bit) of relief and fulfillment? Maybe focus on that just a little more? You may quote me to your b-family and tell them that it's hard for non-adoptees to understand but this is way over your head. Maybe tell them you'll call them on Christmas or something and let it rest for awhile. These are just suggestions but you get the idea. My husband just found his birth father's family but he wasn't looking for them. Someone responded to a very short post I put on a message board 4 years ago. It was short because we didn't know much. Now he has this huge Irish family all trying to talk to him and excited to know him. They hadn't even known he existed until 2 months ago! He's so nervous he asked to talk to a counselor--not at all in character for him. We had found his birth mother several years ago but we were looking for her. The emotions were high then too. I thought that since he'd been through it once this time would be easier but I guess not. Take care of yourself. You didn't make the decision to be born or to be adopted. You are doing the right thing for you and that's all you have to do.
Advertisements