bmom blocking it all out.

rmfl, Mothers were told to go home and never speak of it again. They had no counselling pre adoption unless you consider blatant shaming to be counselling - after there wasn't any support either, no one knew what to say so they all pretended it never happened. If they got married some never even told their husbands. I recommend this book - it will help you understand. [url=http://agirllikeher.com/the-book/]BOOK | A GIRL LIKE HER[/url] Sixty years of denial, shame, pain, anguish - to even consider bringing it into the light of day is harder than most can imagine... My mother was asked if she ever thought of me - her answer was every single day...that answer does not mean she would have been able to talk about it to me, it just shows how devastating it was for millions of mothers all over the US during the era when our mothers surrendered their babies. Kind regards, Dickons

t.y for the book suggestion. i asked bmom that same thing, if she ever thought about me and she told me no, that she blocked it out. a little more history....she already was divorced and had 2 girls, dated bdad for 2 years, he left when she got pregnant. she later got remarried and had 2 more kids. I just don't see how she could forget his name if she was with him that long.....someone in the family must know and isn't talking....

Read the book and then give her more time to adjust. I think sometimes the brain does indeed block what is so traumatic that you just cant deal. You searched for her so you were as ready as you could ever be and likely it took you some time to get to that place. Be gentle for a while and let her catch up if she can. Kind regards, Dickons

My birthmom is the same way. In fact during our reunion it was hard for her to even acknowledge I was her daughter let alone get her to talk about adoption in any aspect. I understand and am respectful of her reservations. Selfishly I just want to know what her pregnancy was like, what was she thinking about, what was the birth/hospital like, did she hold me, was she alone, what was it like when you went home and I stayed? I know this is really hard for her but after five years...nothing? I hope over time your birthmom opens up to you more. I second Dickon's book suggestion. If interested in more adoption reading I would recommend The Primal Wound. I don't necessarily agree with everything in the book but it does shed light on the adoptee experience =)

there is really no one fix answer to your question. I am a birthmum...talk about it often...( reunion for 18 years or so ). Share my experience...even was today with someone. I have a girlfriend who won't discuss her experience AT ALL. Not even with me who went through the same thing. We are all different as are adoptees.

A lot of people go through traumatic times in their life....but you have to deal with it or it becomes baggage and manifests itself in various ways. I don't mean to sound bitter but I cant believe she sat 3 feet away from me at our meeting at my 1/2 sisters for 1 hour, till I was the one to get up and say something. The next day she did tell me she was glad I was the one to break the ice. Would she have just sat there, and then left later w/o acknowledging me? Im still processing trying to understand her, but I just found it all very uncomfortable. I actually went into caregiver mode ( I do it for a living) and helped her up the stairs, got her a drink, etc. I would've done that for any elderly person there.

rmfl, This sentence in your first post on this thread: "I have 2 sons of my own and couldn't deal with it if I had to give them up." Now imagine if you will just the first year, not knowing if your baby went to a good home, or a bad one, in foster care, or an orphanage, or dead. Add on to that at the start the automatic letting down of your milk by your body to nurture that baby you just delivered. So you get through that year, but then you have to get through another year, you still have no clue what happened to baby... After a while you've pushed that pain so deep inside because throughout all of this you still had two little ones to care for alone, you married, you had two more and quite likely each of those subsequent births brought back all the grief and pain of not bringing you home. Being busy raising four children allowed you to escape the memories for hours each day, then perhaps longer to days. It was easier and you kept pushing away - any stray memories that escaped. Pretty soon you learned how to not let the memories come out, ever, because you still 59 years later have no clue if your baby is alive, dead, happy, sad, healthy...it's a way of coping for some. Kind regards, Dickons

I should have elaborated.....she knew my a-fam....my a aunt and b aunt were friends....that is how the adoption was arranged....

Perhaps you are more like your mother of birth than you realize... Why would you ask for advice without giving the pertinent details, and wait to pull out another tidbit of information when someone responds? Lets back up - you met your mother of birth - were you in the room sitting down when she came in - or was she? Have you always known that your aunt through birth and adoption were the two who arranged your adoption to your parents? If yes, why did you wait until you were 59 years old to reach out? Dickons

Sorry, my story is choppy , should've given all the details 1st. Yes, ive always known how I came to be adopted. I waited because I had some serious medical issues and felt I needed to know med history for me as well as my children. It was just never an issue before. my a-fam was very open about talking about it if it came up. My 2 aunts that arranged it had lost touch but have plans to reconnect. When bmom and I met, she was seated at the table and I came and sat in the available seat near her. my sister was across from us, she didn't know what to do/say either to break the ice, she later told me. im prob leaving out more details but still processing ....

I'm going to try to say this as gently as I can... You've been an adult for 40 years and chose to not make your mother of birth a priority to get to know, or even just meet. Forty years...and now because it's important to you to get medical information, now she should just flip a switch? Do you see what I am saying? I totally understand the need for family health history and I'm the last one to bash you for making sure you get it - the court unsealed my records based on good cause, i.e. medical need...my records were sealed, so I could not do anything other than passively search because I didn't have the info but I had tried to reach out. I'm going to assume your mother of birth knew you could reach out to her when you became an adult and forty years later you did. What if she was waiting and figured you didn't care, and that is why she buried it so deep? I think I'd be pretty hurt...perhaps she wasn't, but what if she was? Can you understand what I am saying? Dickons

totally understand, but one last important detail I had forgotten, I was able to find her and called her 20 yrs ago and she basically said she didn't want anyone to know ,she had blocked it and didn't want me to call her again, so I just forgot about it and let it sit, I was going through a divorce at that time and had to focus on that and my kids. so she knew I had some interest.