Adopted siblings not treated well

You don't. You read up on Reactive attachment disorder and keep quiet until you can truly understand how desperate things may be for these parents. Fully understand triangulation and manipulation from children to others in the social circle of the parents. Understand the term 'Rescue Parents" and do not become one. Understand that OFTEN kids adopted from care can thrive on making the parents look bad in front of others and then are absolutely emotionally and resource draining to the parents. "Parents appear hostile" is one of the frequent "symptoms" of a RAD child. Bake a lasagna, cut the grass, offer unjudgemental support to the parents do things for parents to give them a bit of a break. Whatever you do - do NOT try and become the buddy of the child and do not listen to their tales of woe and hardship about the parents. These kiddos can be master manipulators. Were your husbands parents cruel and dismissive parents to your husband? Probably not. Were they somehow interested in wasting their valuable time, energy, love and financial resources in adopting twins just to become disinterested and dismissive parents to them? Probably not. How about asking the parents how they are doing and what can you do for them to lighten the load. If you spend any moments alone with the child make it VERY clear that you will not entertain any discussion, blaming or poor me stories from the child. Reinforce the idea that the parents love the child and the parents are doing everything they can to give a good and happy life to the child. Make it abundantly clear that you support the parents. It does not help the child at all if they are able to "PLAY you" into their "games". They can chew you up and spit you out and not even remember your name next month. Just ask my sister.

Sunshinemomma, thanks for your response, you make good points. I suppose I should clarify a few things though. The girls have only started complaining to me recently, this all comes from my observations. I don't expect my in-laws to have the patience of saints; I certainly wouldn't. My husband and I are at their house pretty regularly though. Over and over again, I have seen my in-laws yell at the twins, call them worthless, tell them they'll never amount to anything, that they will end up pregnant or in jail. Never in all the years I have known them have I heard either of my in-laws say anything positive or encouraging to the girls. Never I love you, never good job, nothing. They insult and and tear them down in front of company. I have seen them blamed for things they didn't do. For example, my husband ate a cookie his mom had made. She saw that a cookie was missing and immediately tore into the twins for stealing it. When they denied eating it, she yelled at them for lying. My husband came in and said that he had eaten the cookie, not them. My mil's only response was to say that they would have stolen it anyway if they had the chance. Granted, both have snuck food before, but that does not seem like a good reaction to me. Outside of this, I like and get along with my in-laws. This just seems well beyond frustration with difficult kids. I am also adopted, but my situation was all around very different from theirs. Maybe I should just stay out of it though?

I see two options you have that might be helpful (or might not). It doesn't sound like confronting or talking to your in-laws will be very effective, so I wouldn't go there.1) You can call child protective services and report the abuse. Unfortunately, with verbal/ emotional abuse of a teenager, they will be less likely to respond than with physical abuse, but they might at least offer services. Plus, you may not be the only person calling it in, and if there are calls from multiple people, they may eventually respond.2) You can be the positive, loving support the girls need. I'm not talking about undermining their parents, but encourage them, tell them what they are good at, praise them for the positive things they do. Maybe you could also offer to your in-laws to take them for overnights or weekends from time to time, to give your in-laws a break (it will also give the girls a break). Giving the girls the positive attention/ relationship they need, without denigrating or undermining their parents, could at least show them that another way of relating is possible.

I see two options you have that might be helpful (or might not). It doesn't sound like confronting or talking to your in-laws will be very effective, so I wouldn't go there. 1) You can call child protective services and report the abuse. Unfortunately, with verbal/ emotional abuse of a teenager, they will be less likely to respond than with physical abuse, but they might at least offer services. Plus, you may not be the only person calling it in, and if there are calls from multiple people, they may eventually respond. 2) You can be the positive, loving support the girls need. I'm not talking about undermining their parents, but encourage them, tell them what they are good at, praise them for the positive things they do. Maybe you could also offer to your in-laws to take them for overnights or weekends from time to time, to give your in-laws a break (it will also give the girls a break). Giving the girls the positive attention/ relationship they need, without denigrating or undermining their parents, could at least show them that another way of relating is possible.

Maybe take your MIL out alone for coffee and ask her what is going on and how could you support the family. Tell her you see her as a loving caring parent to your hubby and you are trying to understand the situation and if you can be of help. Listen carefully. I cannot easily explain it but they may be living through a hell that few people can possibly understand. On the outside family members often see the parents as hostile but the parents cannot even begin to explain the hell that they are living in their own home. If you are saying that they have sneaked, lied and stolen and you know it then why would you believe them easily now through their words or their behaviors. Saying that she has "given up being good" cause parents won't notice smacks heavily of playing you to me. Maybe all the sneaky, lies and stealing is going to take alot of trust building before the parents start giving them the benefit of the doubt. I have lived it. I know. I have been that parent that close friends and family thought was "against" one child and that he was always in trouble with me. What they didn't realize at the time was that the child was playing them like a fiddle and our family was in a living hell. Doubly worse because by the time anybody walked in the door I was tense and on edge knowing the charm game was about to begin, complete with sly little smirks as he could see his games working on friends and family. He could be all soft doe eyed and charming and look like butter wouldn't melt in his mouth as he batted his eyes and laughed and charmed his way with any visitor. The minute they walked out the door his entire demeanor changed and he would march off smirking, in his mind he had won at his game again. I can't even tell you all the ways and methods he would play friends and family from trying to get the babysitter to call the police on "missing" siblings that were he KNEW were safely playing at friends, to his 200 questions at Dad's friend when he hadn't spoken to Dad in weeks because "he could make him (Dad's friend) talk only to me" to the complaining to the Grandparents that he wasn't allowed to have a bedside lamp or PENCILS!!......poor boy/mean parents.....never mind that he had tried to start his dresser on fire with said pencils and bedside lamp. Just trying to get you to understand that there may well be far more to it than meets the eye. If normal, loving, caring, happy people that went through all of the trouble of adopting suddenly become snarky, *****y and snappy towards lying, defiant, stealing, sneaky traumatized kiddo's, I would ask myself what is happening in their world behind closed doors before I even think about "confronting" them. And I would surely offer support to the parents who have to run and maintain the family, enforce the rules and the consequences trying to teach and raise lying, defiant, stealing, sneaky traumatized kiddo's, before I would offer to become the loving support of the kiddos. This doesn't help anyone in the family, least of all the kids. Been there, done that and met lots of "would be rescuers" along the way:arrow: ........but great that you have the sense that something is off and to ask the questions. Kuddos to you:love:

Hi, I have to respectfully disagree with the suggestion that you stay out of it. Your husband are these girls brother. I think you both have a duty to protect them from verbal abuse. Don't fool yourself into believing they are angels ( and it seems like you know they are not). BUT what you have seen and heard causes concern. I don't care how manipulatives the girls may be, that type of behavior from parents is not acceptable. I would speak up. The kids don't need to hear it, but I would have a frank talk with your in-laws. Your husband, as their big brother shoukd take the lead. It maybe that they are so overwhelmed that they are not realizing they are doing this. But I don't think it should be ignored. Don't blame, and don't accuse, but definitely mention it to them. Like I said they may not be aware.

Just my 2 cents

I'm not adopted but my step-father was abusive when I was growing up and I remember well a punishment I received when a soda bottle was missing and he thought I had taken it. I wished every day that someone would notice my plight because I was too scared to speak up for myself and had too little self esteem to think that I didn't deserve all the punishments I got. If it were me I would say or do something.

Sunshinemomma - I want to thank you for being non judgmental and actually trying to show the real life "POSSIBLE" other side of these types of things. Normal people aren't used to the kind of demented manipulation that these "sweet kids" are capable of and what these parents are forced to endure. My niece is a sweet girl, anyone who's ever met her would tell you what an amazingly sweet kind mature young woman she is, but she has a manipulative side that is absolutely terrifying. I honestly thought her dad was lying when he sent her to live with me at age 12. She's always just a doll and he's kinda mean and talked down to her. I didn't like it either, still don't, but I'm a whole lot more empathetic to his plight now that I've raised her for a good portion of her life. I've seen real world evil in that child. I've had people judge us for Hope's consequences, I just wish I could tell them the truth of her behavior and why those consequences were warranted. They'd be appalled or think I was lying, because she can snowball even the biggest skeptic (minus the one therapist that she now refuses to see). Thankfully she's growing out of a lot of it. She's a legal adult now and trying to handle these issues with an adult who's not an adult is beyond hard. KKA519 - I would say talk to the parents, share that you've seen their frustration and ask if there's anything you can do to help. Making a lasagna is about the kindest thing anyone can do for a parent. If the parents don't say anything is wrong perhaps you can share that you've seen a change in the relationship. But honestly you need to get a full understanding of what these parents are dealing with. If you immerse yourself in their life and still see verbal and emotional abuse then you need to seek help, but I'd make sure you feel confident on whats going on. Too many times I've thought I've known who someone was or what was "right" in a situation only to find out that I didn't.

Well to quote Dr. Phil, when he have guests on with out of control or manipulative teens--, the behavior of these girls is/may be atrocious but it in no way excuses or warrants the behavior you described from the parents. Sorry, like I said my two cents.

SweetAn - in most cases I would absolutely agree with you and would never support parents being abusive, however With RAD kiddo's the term "Parents Appear Hostile" is a normal "symptom" of having a RAD kiddo in the house. My other children including his birth sibling felt they had a family terrorist living with them. Can YOU imagine that? Living like that? Parents and families of "normals" do not get it and maybe you do not either. That is your perogative and that is fine. I was simply trying to explain to the OP that there may be more to it than meets the eye and how to best support that family. Being played into a sick childs trauma, false and self created drama scenes and manipulations does not help the child to heal. It only helps a sick child stay in their sickness and their faulty controlling logic. Wrking21 - you have obviously lived it and understand the paradox. BTW - SweetAnn - anybody with a RAD child that I have ever communicated with thinks that Dr. Phil is an idiot about RAD. It may make good tv to attack and throw parents of RADs under the bus but it does NOTHING to help those families and those children. Maybe if he actually educated himself on RAD, he could do a far better job of educating the masses and getting some real supports in place for those parents raising the hardest of the hardest children.

You are making assumptions....I do get it. I have experience with RAD, both professionally for over 15 years in a therapeutic school, and as a foster parent...and we can agree to disagree, but in 15 years I have never seen a RAD kid improve by being verbally abused. Sorry, not trying to start an argument but never in 15 years.

I respectfully agree. These kids sound damaged (not to say they can't heal) but not sure how verbal abuse and name calling will help. :happydance: I am sure they are not bad people, sounds like they just lost their way.