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In August, our adoption prayers were answered. Our 6 yr old son moved in with us after a very quick transition period of two weeks.
Although the our transition seen abnormally quick, We had a smooth transition, everything was PERFECT. He was sweet, and kind, and loving , very loving. This scared us, because he was telling us he loved us very very shortly after we met him. But naively thought maybe it was just meant to be, a perfect match.
We had a beautiful complete family. Like every family, we had a few issues, we had to set rules and boundaries but he was good about following them we were all learning our family dynamic together.
Then, he had his first tantrum.
It happened at the 2 month mark, almost to the day. It was aggressive , violent, things were being thrown, he was screaming at the top of his lungs he was uncontrollable, We were in shock.
The next day I contacted my worker and immediately asked for help. (Public adotpion, we are two months into our year probation)
He had not had theses type of tantrums at the foster home but he did have failed adoption and these types of tantrums did happen there.
A week later the second tantrum came, and again, things were being thrown , it was aggressive, very angry and the look on his face was shocking. It was as if he was another person. We called the foster mom during this one and she was able to calm him down.
The very next morning the third tantrum came and again, spitting, yelling , kicking chairs and a lot of laughing. I was alone for this one, terrified and shaking. I called the worker this time and within a few min she arrived to help calm him down. (Which he was by the time she arrived)
Our worker suggested a crisis intervention centre thAt day and we spend a few hours speaking with a counsellor. He barely spoke at all, said I don't know a lot and we were sent on our way. We found out that day he had a file there, he had been there before.
I spend the entire day looking for help (ontario canada) and found nothing, just several waiting list, a lot of reading information.
We have asked our workers for help, we are begging at this point. But they seem to think this is just testing. We're not crazy, we expected testing, we knew it would happen, but we didn't think it would come with such violence and anger. We have very limited information on background, because again our workers haven't been very forthcoming with information.
The problem is, I went from being over the moon excited to a dead stop. I feel like a terrible person for admitting this, but I'm terrified of this child. We feel we were lied to by our workers.
I feel like the connection I had with this child has been replaced with fear, I'm walking on eggshells, I fear upsetting him because I know I cannot handle the severity of the tantrums.
It breaks my heart and I feel terrible that I'm even thinking this, but we may not be the right family for this child. My husband has the ability to shut the tantrum out after its done, and I remain in shock and angry and live in fear for hours. I can't return to normal the Instant our child's decided he's done and wants a sandwich.
I'm desperately hoping to connect with other families who are questioning their match, or have a child with an attachment problem.
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If you have not finalized this adoption, don't. This sounds like very classic attachment disorder. Read all you can on it and determine if you can live like this. It may not get any better. It may get worse. I have a daughter with severe attachment disorder, so I get how you feel. It is not fun to live in fear of your child. If you decide to continue to parent this boy, you have to learn to find the positives in him. You have to work on that every day. There will be days that you can't find positives and you will have to remember him when you first met him. I have had days with my daughter where the only positive was that she was asleep at night. You can't stay angry. You can't be shocked. It helped me to remember how hurt my little girl is. If you can't parent him, that's ok. If you haven't finalized, you can disrupt. He will go back to foster care and they will work to find a new placement. If you have finalized, it gets more difficult. Dissolving a finalized adoption isn't easy.You need an attachment therapist. A real attachment therapist. That is vital if you want to save this.Good luck to you. I understand.
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If you have not finalized this adoption, don't. This sounds like very classic attachment disorder. Read all you can on it and determine if you can live like this. It may not get any better. It may get worse.
I have a daughter with severe attachment disorder, so I get how you feel. It is not fun to live in fear of your child.
If you decide to continue to parent this boy, you have to learn to find the positives in him. You have to work on that every day. There will be days that you can't find positives and you will have to remember him when you first met him. I have had days with my daughter where the only positive was that she was asleep at night. You can't stay angry. You can't be shocked. It helped me to remember how hurt my little girl is.
If you can't parent him, that's ok. If you haven't finalized, you can disrupt. He will go back to foster care and they will work to find a new placement. If you have finalized, it gets more difficult. Dissolving a finalized adoption isn't easy.
You need an attachment therapist. A real attachment therapist. That is vital if you want to save this.
Good luck to you. I understand.
Everything your going through seems normal to me for an 8 year old who's been in foster care for however long. He was placed in a pre-adoptive home once. Probably did the same things he's doing with you and they interrupted. It could be RADD it could also be that he's testing you, it's hard to tell, but it's a leap of faith. I'm sure your two blissful months were your honeymoon phase. That ends pretty quickly and real life begins. I wish you the best.
I dont think these actions should be considered normal. Normal misbehavior isn't frightening. You may think good lord what have I gotten myelf into..but you wouldnt be afraid. I would suggest having him evaluated. At his age, they should be able to tell you something. My little Buttercup is 15 month old and has a bad temper, is very aggressive when she is angry, throws herself back, voids eye contact (most with strangers or she will stare them down), doesn't play with toys but will push buttons, etc., doesn't walk or even make a vowel sound yet, doesn't even attempt to call us anything when she wants us or something. She looooves us and is affectionate with only us-mostly me. I worry that she may have some other issues but she is too young to tell yet. I certainly wouldn't wait any longer than necessary. I'm a very proactive mother tho. Wait and see doesn't fly with me when there are thing she can be doing to help her learn a little earlier. (sign language is being taught now since she cant talk and gets very frustrated with us not knowing what she wants) I wish I had more advice for you. I wish someone had more advice to me other than waiting because of her age. I dislike the unknown! very much! Good luck and keep us posted.
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