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I was adopted at 3 days old. My birth mother was 20, unmarried, and had no family support. She went on to have 2 other kids with 2 different men.
I'm in reunion with both her and my two maternal half-siblings, and have been for several years now. That has gone very well, and been healing for all of us. I'm grateful for that chance alone.
Of course, I've always wondered about my birth father, especially as a young man in my 20s and now in early 30s.
I've searched for years on very scant information provided by my birth mother (a first name and a place he used to work). I really exhausted all avenues and had given up the search, thinking that I would die without ever even seeing his face.
My birth mother says that he does know about me, but was kept out of the adoption and has no idea where I went, my name, anything.
After sending in a DNA test to 23andme, I found some public matches to 2nd cousins. After some research, I was able to put a last name with the first name, and from there, Google and Facebook did the rest.
What I learned was that he was married at the time, and is still married to the same woman. They have 3 children together, one of whom is older than me. So I have 3 half-siblings that I never even knew about.
Through social media and my online research, I've learned a lot about him, seen many pictures of the family, etc. I look EXACTLY like he did in his younger days.
So I've managed to dig up a cell phone number for him, but now that I'm ready to make contact, this is where it gets tricky.
Does anyone have advice on how to approach this? I wanted to call him directly rather than write, simply because his wife could easily see a letter to him. I also think she has access to his Facebook.
I want to approach him privately because I don't even know if she knows about me. And even if she does, I don't know if his other children (all grown now) do. I also have no idea what the true story is.
If anyone has been in a tricky situation like this (child from affair, wife still around, half-siblings from that marriage), I'd appreciate any perspective or advice.
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Give him some time. You've jut dropped an unexpected bomb on him. He doesn't know you. He's scared.
If he kept your birth a secret, he's probably scared to death that the secret will be revealed.
He may come around. It is a lot for him to take in.
But yeah, he really does act like he's your father. Would a complete stranger ask how tall you are? Would he answer the phone after a dropped call? Would he want to see pictures? Would he talk to you for as long as he did?
Now that you believe you know who he is, ask you mom for more information. Show her a photo. That way you can be certain.
I hope he will be able to get passed the shock and possible fear.
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Secretson,
Don't feel bad that he denied it...I think it's a pretty typical response when someone calls out of the blue. You have to remember how much time you have thought about this, even just the recent past leading up to it - imagine if you had been on the receiving end.
It's always a gamble and I don't think there is a perfect way. He stayed on the line, he reconnected too. Give him time to process everything. You were respectful and made sure he could talk - if you weren't respectful of his privacy you wouldn't have bothered with that - he knows that...
All you can do now is wait and that's the hardest part - hang out here for a while, it's a way to pass the time...
Cheers, you were brave...
Kind regards,
Dickons
Secretson,
I had a response for you from our reunion specialist, but it's very similar to what you already did. I sounds like you handled it well.
I think the fact that he's awaiting your picture is good, it will give him time to take it all in. Either way, you've done what you could and given him the opportunity to talk. Like others said, don't feel down about his initial denial. Secrecy makes people act different than they normally would, and he obviously had interest in you even though he felt the need to be cautious.
Feel free to keep us updated on your situation.
All the best to you!
-Spud :Chewie:
My dh was in a somewhat similar with his bmom who had kept him a secret from her dh and raised kids. It took her a year to respond to his letter. Unfortunately, she did not want to meet him...hopefully he will process it more quickly but at least you did it! Knowing is better than not knowing and wondering, imo. Good luck.
Thanks for the responses.
Yes, I can't get over him asking me how tall I am. He knows. It's funny because that (and just the tone of his voice in general) are more compelling evidence to me than the uncanny resemblance, shared traits, DNA connections, his first name and photo being "ID'd" by my birth mother, etc.
I have to say, when the call dropped and I called back, it took 2-3 rings for him to pick up again. That seemed like the longest 10 seconds of my life. I was surprised and glad that he did.
My birth mother has seen his pictures, she says it's him even before I called him. In fact she wants to talk to him, but I didn't feel that was wise - especially with him still being married. Understandably, she's upset that he denied me and their relationship. I just want to give him the space to come around, without feeling threatened.
I did the hard thing, I'm sure he has to respect that making that call was by no means easy. I'm hoping that looking at my picture will help him accept it and want to get to know me. I look more like him than the son he raised.
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Hey secretson,
Glad you came back. Sitting on pins and needles is hard. Have you thought of any questions you want answered? Have you written them down? His hobbies, what he's good at, his nationality, his likes, dislikes, his side of the story... Have you thought about what kind of relationship you want if that's possible given the circumstances? I hope he takes a chance...you are in my thoughts, the one thing you do have going for you is 20 years ago society was not as rigid as it was when many of us were born - back in the dark ages. I think you have a better chance being your age despite the secrecy...
Cheers!
Dickons
Oh, there are plenty of questions I want answered. :)
I've been able to learn a lot about how from social media, my online research, and other channels. This includes seeing lots of photos, his work, extended family, nationality, history, etc.
Also, the test on 23andme gave me a lot of ethnicity info. It was somewhat accurate on that before my birth mother sent a test in, but after she sent it in it got even more refined. I have an exotic and unusual mix so it was nice to finally see that info.
I had a very similar reaction when I got up the guts to call my b-dad last month. He denied knowing my b-mom, but asked questions about me like where I lived and if I was married. He also sounded spookily like my grown son. He kept saying he wasn't sure how he could help me, but he did take my contact info. I've been waiting ever since. I have a follow -up letter and pictures and info that I want to send, but I want to make sure that he's the one who gets it (he got married when I was 4 months old, and was possibly juggling my b-mom and his then fiancee around at the same time). Curious to know if things went any further for you, or if anyone else has any ideas about how to get the packet to him alone without being threatening.
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Actually, yes... I just got back from meeting him. He gave me a DNA test but is still denying any chance he is my father. Waiting on the results of the test.He was silent for almost 3 months, with me contacting him occasionally by text or voicemail. I started a different thread about it, the last post has the details.[url]http://forums.adoption.com/birth-fathers-support/429860-whats-he-thinking-how-would-you-feel-situation.html[/url]
Actually, yes... I just got back from meeting him. He gave me a DNA test but is still denying any chance he is my father. Waiting on the results of the test.
He was silent for almost 3 months, with me contacting him occasionally by text or voicemail.
I started a different thread about it, the last post has the details.
[url]http://forums.adoption.com/birth-fathers-support/429860-whats-he-thinking-how-would-you-feel-situation.html[/url]
marnay
I had a very similar reaction when I got up the guts to call my b-dad last month. He denied knowing my b-mom, but asked questions about me like where I lived and if I was married. He also sounded spookily like my grown son. He kept saying he wasn't sure how he could help me, but he did take my contact info. I've been waiting ever since. I have a follow -up letter and pictures and info that I want to send, but I want to make sure that he's the one who gets it (he got married when I was 4 months old, and was possibly juggling my b-mom and his then fiancee around at the same time). Curious to know if things went any further for you, or if anyone else has any ideas about how to get the packet to him alone without being threatening.
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Did you ever get the DNA results? Curious to know where it all led.
I followed up my first certified, restricted delivery letter, (which my b-dad signed for two months ago,but never acknowledged) with a certified restricted delivery birthday card last week. In addition to wanting to keep up some kind of contact, I also wanted to let him know in a nonthreatening way that my son and daughter in law are expecting. Thought maybe the idea of being a great grandfather would touch his heart. So far no answer, but he did sign for it, and this time, unless he is losing it, he had to have known who the letter was from. Any ideas about what to do next?