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Hello All, As much as I want to just spew out my feelings over this thread I will simply express the level of difficulties I currently am dealing with regarding my wife who was adopted in a Closed Adoption. My wife is an emotional and attention seeking roller coaster, who openly acknowledges she is without an identity. Being married to someone who has no sense of identity was something I know I should have held off on for a while, since how can I possibly be married to someone without an identity. In spite of my mistakes we all know that humans make such decisions based upon normal human emotions. I do love her dearly, the problem is that I don't think she knows how to love based upon bonds that normaly exist between husband and wife. Instead there is this ongoing roller coaster of " I love you, you are my best friend" linked with " You are my enemy, you are trying to implant things into my brain and control me". These opposing thoughts are typically spaced only a few days apart...Yes, I know. So at the end of the day this leaves me heartbroken time after time while knowing that I am being the most loyal, honest, committed, and respectful husband that I can be. This is while my wife fluctuates in her feelings of attachment, bond, and "happiness" with me. Just last week I was her best friend and she loved me with all of her heart, and several days later after a simple disagreement over something trivial she was fed up with her marriage. In short, shes a women who has a constant need to positive reinforcement and attention, at all times. She counts how many times I give her hugs in a day, feels the need to wake up at 2 am and wants me to pet her, initiates physical fights knowing I will restrain her just so she can tell someone I am abusive and get their sympathy, and overall feels as if I don't constantly provide her with attention it means I hate her. I can say it is simply exhausting. I won't make excuses for her actions, so instead my concern is why does a human being act like this? Is there anyone that can relate to such attention seeking behavior? I'm not looking for relationship advice, I'm looking for some sort of help in terms of understanding her better. Is all hope lost with understanding someone with such emotional difficulties? Thank you all in advance.
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Adopters are more likely to have identity challenges. However, based on your accounting of your wife's behavior, more may be going on with her than just typical adoption issues. Was your wife adopted at birth, or was she adopted later in life? If later in life, what issues led to her placement? What was her adoptive family like? If the two of you are having difficulties, I would recommend marriage counseling. All hope is not lost. If you are both willing to work on your issues as a couple, you can make positive strides in your relationship.
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Adoption can definitely affect our ability to form relationships of any/every kind; friendship, romantic or even casual social interactions. It often comes back to an issue of trust. Most of us have learned early on that relationships are fleeting and those closest to us will essentially betray us and abandon us. You often see this in older children who were adopted where they might rebel and act badly almost to create a self-fulfilling prophecy. They've been bounced through several foster homes, everyone has given up on them before, they're certain/assuming that their current family / adoptive parents will so they basically try to hasten the inevitably by acting out. If I hurt you first, you can't hurt me first. It sounds like your wife might very well be carrying this same behaviour into adulthood and her relationship with you. Just the same, having to constantly prove your love by X, Y or Z is another behaviour indicative of serious insecurity and lack of trust. While most people enjoy demonstrations of love, most don't demand them and most don't immediately assume a relationship is doomed or our spouse hates us if we don't receive every single desire. I'm not a therapist but when someone is counting the amount of hugs or kisses it seems like she's trying to convince herself that you love her, perhaps because she simply cannot feel it any other way. I agree that I think marriage counselling is important but I also think she needs help for her own private individual issues through private therapy, particularly if you can find someone who is experienced in adoption trauma. Try not to take it personally. It sounds like you're doing everything right and being amazingly patient and understanding. Unfortunately you're also the closest to her when she feels the need to lash out and vent her insecurity.
Adoption can definitely affect our ability to form relationships of any/every kind; friendship, romantic or even casual social interactions. It often comes back to an issue of trust. Most of us have learned early on that relationships are fleeting and those closest to us will essentially betray us and abandon us. You often see this in older children who were adopted where they might rebel and act badly almost to create a self-fulfilling prophecy. They've been bounced through several foster homes, everyone has given up on them before, they're certain/assuming that their current family / adoptive parents will so they basically try to hasten the inevitably by acting out. If I hurt you first, you can't hurt me first. It sounds like your wife might very well be carrying this same behaviour into adulthood and her relationship with you. Just the same, having to constantly prove your love by X, Y or Z is another behaviour indicative of serious insecurity and lack of trust. While most people enjoy demonstrations of love, most don't demand them and most don't immediately assume a relationship is doomed or our spouse hates us if we don't receive every single desire. I'm not a therapist but when someone is counting the amount of hugs or kisses it seems like she's trying to convince herself that you love her, perhaps because she simply cannot feel it any other way. I agree that I think marriage counselling is important but I also think she needs help for her own private individual issues through private therapy, particularly if you can find someone who is experienced in adoption trauma. Try not to take it personally. It sounds like you're doing everything right and being amazingly patient and understanding. Unfortunately you're also the closest to her when she feels the need to lash out and vent her insecurity.
