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our house: 3 kids, 1 bio son, 2 AD from foster system 2 years adopted, 4 years in our home.
My oldest AD is 9 and is playing the classic I will be a demon child while Dad is gone and an agel when he comes home. This situation has my wife up in arms, and exhausted especially with our 2 year old bio son running her ragged.
I have had my wife step away from all discaplinary action, aside from keeping the peace in the house, and ensuring everyone is safe. She does insist being respected, but if things start going south she sends AD to her room till I get home to deal with it. The hope was to harbor more possative situations between the two than corrective ones.
I don't know if it is working. It seems like almost every day AD is talking back or being disrespectful. I am feeling caught in the middle unsure of how to help my wife keep the peace, but also harbor a much needed bond between the two.
I know this is a common problem for adoptive moms, so I was hoping a few of you gents could make suggestions on how you dealt with this.
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That's rough.
Have you guys tried to figure out why she's so mad at her mother? Sometimes it's just a phase but a lot of times there's actually a reason why a child takes a dislike to a parent and it can take a lot of fanaggling and work to pull it out of them.
I'm an adoptee and I remember clearly not getting along with my adoptive mother and we went through this cycle over and over again. Absolutely sometimes I overreacted and acted like a brat. At the same time, it takes two to tango and I was reacting to things she did (but refused to even acknowledge, let alone change or fix). I could never dare question anything she did and she refused to listen or admit there was ever any problem with her parenting...which led us to go around and around on this merry-go-round of fights that probably could have been fixed much faster had she been willing to listen and change instead of just blaming me.
It might be worth it for you to talk to your daughter and ask her why she's doing what she's doing? If she feels that you won't judge or punish her for her honesty you both might learn something that maybe your wife didn't even realize she was doing and be able to correct it.
Remember that all relationships take at least two people. I know the tendency is to simply blame the child for being completely unreasonable and 100% at fault but often the truth usually lays in the middle and while she may be overreacting there may be a valid reason that she's so upset at her mother and punishing her won't fix the problem between them. Your wife may have to be willing to hear some criticism about herself/her parenting and be willing to change.
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An interesting update.P actually did a polar switch a few months ago. She became a young lady while on a trip with my wife to see family, and since then she became a big fan of Mom. Additionally, a lot of our original behavioral problems seem have to reduced. I am not sure if her hormones just balanced a bit or she needed to have an event where her new mom was there to help her through a scary time, but in the end it seems to be working out.