I don't even know how to BEGIN ...

Hello. My name is Kenneth. This is my second time of posting this; for that, I apologize; but I'm a little confused as to whether I need to be posting this in "Arkansas Adoption Records" or here. I ask you to please take the time to read this; I am a human being in pain and have been for a long, long time. I am posting this with the dim hope that someone, maybe you, will be willing and able to help me. I lived in Fayetteville, Arkansas as a small child. My family was impoverished. While there, one day, my Momma brought home the most wonderful of all treasures: A baby girl, Jennifer. I had a little brother, but no baby sister. It made me feel so big and strong and important and grown up to have a baby sister. Her name was Jennifer. She was, to me, the most beautiful thing to ever grace our little home. I was so excited and happy. She was such a beautiful child; and I loved her with all my heart ... and you know how big a child's heart can be. The joy, though, was short lived. It became clear very quickly that Jennifer was a very sick little girl. Her illness dealt with her kidneys. Because I was so young, I can not be any more specific; but I do know that her condition was undoubtedly life threatening. She required regular medications and treatments. Jennifer could keep nothing down. She was literally starving to death in Momma's arms. Momma tried to feed her sugar water; and even that got spat back up. As a small child, concerned over what was happening, I would curl up under Momma's rocking chair while she rocked Jennifer, trying to feed her, and weeping. Eventually, I'd fall asleep; but then, many times, I would be awakened by the most bloodcurdling screams I have ever heard in my life; before or since. It was Momma. And she would be screaming: "Jennifer! JENNIFER! Breathe! Don't die on me! Don't you die tonight!" A destitute mother under an ineffective and limited welfare system, my Momma was left with a terrible choice -- one that no mother should ever have to make. Do I keep my baby girl and hope that she doesn't die in my arms one night? Or, do I let her go so a family with more resources can give her a better chance at living? One day, Momma left the house with Jennifer ... and returned without her. I met Momma at the door and, as I typically did, looked for Momma second and Jennifer first. Jennifer wasn't with us. I asked, "Momma? Where's Jennifer?" Her words ring in my ears to this day: "Jennifer went to go live with someone else for a while, PeeWee. We're not going to see Jennifer again. Not for a long, long time." I was unconsolable then. I am unconsolable now. As time goes on, the memories and emotions recede; but occasionally, they resurface; and the grief is overwhelming. Sometimes, I dream about her. We are together, happy and laughing, doing things that regular families do, like celebrating Christmas or Birthdays or just going out to eat. I am so joyful in these dreams, and I'm so very proud of her, and I feel so much love, I think my chest will burst open. Then I awake; and in the insanity that occurs between dreaming and lucidness, I think to myself, "It's been a while since I've talked to Jennifer. I wonder how she's doing? I need to give her a call! What's her phone number again? I think I have that written down somewhere. Where is she living again?" And then I am lucid, and I remember, and I weep. I never got to tell her "goodbye". I never got to sneak cookies to her from the kitchen, or beat up the boys who were picking on her, or show her how to make snow angels, or tie her hair in a knot and blame it on her other brother, or tell her this one very important thing: "Mary had a little lamb" ... Soon after Jennifer was placed, my birth family left Arkansas. We made it as far as Kansas, but due to vehicle problems, we could travel no further. It was here, in Kansas, where my brother and I were also placed for adoption. We were very fortunate to have been placed, together, in a very good home with dedicated parents. When they could finally put together the meanings of the words spoken by a 7 year old (me) and realize that we had a sister, they inquired about Jennifer. They were informed that she had been placed for adoption there. I want to find out what happened with my sister;and maybe initiate contact; but in no way would I wish to cause her discomfort. There have been very positive effects of finding biological relatives; but negative effects as well. I have personally experienced some of those negative effects. So, it would be necessary, of course, to move forward carefully, should the unlikely event occur that she is actually found. I understand that, if she still lives, she has a life and a family of her own. But just to know how and where she is; even if making contact did not or would not occur; would lift a great weight off of my heart, and maybe bring me the closure I need desperately. Jennifer was born in 1973, 1974 or 1975. She was placed for adoption soon after her birth; probably within the first 6-8 months; most likely in 1973 or 1974. Jennifer may not be alive; though she was living approximately 1-2 years after her birth, when my parents inquired about her. I must accept that she may have succumbed to her illness. But even so, I need to know. I need to close this chapter in my life. As she was so very young during the adoption process, it is possible that her name is no longer "Jennifer". She would have a history of life threatening (or fatal) medical issues relating to her kidneys. She will most likely have inherited some of our family's traits: Brown hair and brown eyes are very common; as well as slight builds. Most of us tend to be thinkers, sometimes to very analytical, critical, or overthinking. Jennifer probably wrote poetry at some point in her life; talent towards the written word, poetry and stories run in the family. Intelligence and creativity are family traits. Most of our family love music. Depression, mental illness, cancer and alcoholism run in the family. I have tried working through the states; but the problem I encounter several issues with this. First, I lack trust in them to adequately represent my interests and desires. Second, I am continually told such things like being referred to registries or "We'll put a letter in her file ... " Well, the thing is, she might not even be alive to search registries or request files! Third, when I express that I only want to find out what happened with her and not necessarily initiate contact right off the bat, I'm looked at like I crawled out from under a rock; and Lastly, when I indicate I want to contact her adopted parents or next of kin before initiating contact with her (if we proceed there), I'm told I can't do that! So, I'm very frustrated and I don't know what to do and I'm hoping for advice or assistance here. The first thing I would like to do is find out her adopted family's identity and contact them; just to find out if she lives, and if so, what is she like; my sister; and does she know she's adopted; and is she happy ..... An idea I had was to eMail churches in Fayetteville; as churches are often closely knit organizations and there just always seems to be a "church historian" of one sort or another within a congregation. But I don't know. I have no idea what to do or how to proceed, except to keep beating my head against the brick walls of a system that is not designed for someone in my position ... Any help or advice would be so greatly appreciated! Please, can you help? I am begging you and your congregation to please ... please ... help me find my sister. Please.