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This is the first I have written on a forum. I hope I am doing it right. My story is not uncommon these days. We adopted our grandson at 2, he is now 10. His parents were neglectful and were addicts. Our daughter has been clean for a few years and has been in her son's life on occasion however not in our state. We are now getting contacted from the birthfather who is also in another state. He wants to reconnect with his birth son. I am not aware of many details of his life now although he says he is remorseful and has cleaned his act up. We want to do the right thing by our grandson however all I can see is pain and more abandonment issues resurfacing. Does anyone identify with this situation?
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Pac5, I've seen a similar situation with my extended family. The guardian asked the child (who was a few years older than your 10 year old). He said he did not want to meet at that time and they still have never met by the child's choice. I assume many children would want to meet parents though. How does your daughter feel about it? If you are uneasy about it, you could wait until the child is a little older, or ask the child what he wants to do.
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I'm not sure if you are wanting adult adoptee input? I think if contact is made now vs. when he hits puberty and the teen years - it will be easier. I would suggest though that you start creating a relationship between you and the first father - talk about commitment and sticking it out, boundaries, what benefit that can be brought by having a relationship that has long-term continuity vs. hit and miss and dropping out when things get tough or hard questions asked. I know I'm rambling but it can either be a very good thing or bad - you need to figure that out and you can only do that by starting the conversation... About feeling abandoned - that is a risk if the relationship doesn't last - not having a relationship now does not in anyway stop the feelings of abandonment or rejection that your son may have being adopted. Kind regards, Dickons