Teen ager

Hi! I don't have any advice for you, but I'm going to be right alongside you sometime this year. I am just starting the process, and 5-13 is the age range I'm considering.

be consistent with rules and consequences. I fost/adopted a 12 year old and fostered a 14 year old. Make sure they know the rules. And remember: all teenagers rebel... (I have to repeat that to myself)

Get in home placement counseling set up right away. We had to fight to get in home counseling for our FD (13) and it took 2 months to get the first appointment. By then too much had happened that could have been prevented had this counselor been involved sooner. To be honest, we could have fought harder to get it sooner, but we didn't think it was a big deal since things were going well at first and we were already overwhelmed with other appointments. The counselor told us she advised all teenage placements to have in home counseling right away, even if just to help with the first 30 days and then fade out if unnecessary. In our case, the counseling came too late. Our FD ran away (or rather ran to, since she wasn't so much wanting to leave us as to get back to her home turf & friends) and although this was supposed to be a permanent placement (guardianship had even been mentioned as a possibility) we had no choice but to give notice (she was at the point she wouldn't cooperate with anything less than exactly what she demanded - which isn't an option but she won't listen to anyone beside her one-step-away-from-juvie sister who does NOT have her best interests at heart.) Outside influences ruined our placement where early counseling might have prevented those influences. So... counseling. Try to get it ASAP whether it seems like you need it or not. I hope your placement works out the way we were hoping ours would. :)

Hmmmm...advice? Batten down the hatches! lol My husband and I are fostering to adopt a 12 year old....out of birth order. Our bios are 10 and 9. We found her on a child listing online last year and had visits with her 3-4 times a month, every month, for the 8 months it took to complete an ICPC and get her to us. I knew she was our daughter from the moment I saw her photo- I don't doubt that feeling even now.We've had so much negativity. The case worker in this area hounded me about why I'd want to do this, etc, even told my daughter to her face that she was an "intruder" in our home, etc. Oh I just wanted to lunge across the table I tell you. She's been with us for 3 months full time, so we have another 3 until we can file for adoption. TPR already happened years ago.What I can tell you about my experience. It can work. It is going to require a lot of patience, rethinking everything you thought about parenting. I had to start going to therapy, it was that intense for a while. Now I just really enjoy my weekly therapy session to pick apart all the arguments or things that upset me and figure out how to do it better. My daughter had spent 5 years in the foster system, the last two of which were a couple of group homes, and an 8 month stint in a psychiatric facility. We saw she had some behaviors that might be problematic, but she was so full of energy and attached so quickly etc. All through the 8 month process of us visiting her, her staying over night every other weekend and holidays, etc. No real problems. BUT....Once she came to live with us it was GAME ON! The gloves came off! All sorts of behaviors she had previously hidden wre coming out of the woodwork, aggression, lying, damaging property, huge meltdowns, etc. I'm not going to lie, some times were pretty scary and I would be left shaken, BUT you just press on, regroup, and move on the next day. My daughter has an extensive list of diagnosis (ADHD, RAD, ODD, Anxiety disorder), but we are doing it. Every week it seems like she gets a little less extreme, a little easier. But I tell you, there are times where I wish I feel like I could kick her out of a moving car! I'm telling you! And honestly, for a while, there were more days than not that I just didn't like her, didn't even want to look her in the eye. BUT...you keep going. You keep going because everyone she's ever been in contact with has given her the boot if she just makes a big enough mistake. Every...single...person. And you just refuse to be another on that list. Even if you hate her (there might be times), you just refuse. And then after a while she'll get it. I remember during one very serious meltdown she was like screaming and laughing at the same time, wild eyes, and completely unregulated and she said to me almost gleefully after destroying a bunch of things, "Are you going to get rid of me now?" Its like she was so happy to be proven right, but the pain was so strong I almost was choking with pain for her. The answer is, "no". "No matter what you do, you're my daughter."I know its different for everyone. I don't want to scare you, because it is intense, and it is scary...but it is so incredibly rewarding. Even just small changes. You'll see.Good luck and dig those trenches!