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Hi there! Thanks for taking the time to ready my thread. I have joined adoption.com in hopes of finding another adoptee who was the result of a "one night stand" or a "summer night's fling". I was born in the 70's, the adoption was a closed one and I was fortunate to find my birthmom when I was 19. Now I'm a happily married Mom of two and family lineage has piqued my curiosity. I've been researching my birthfather for the last two years. Unfortunately my birthmother does not share or support me with this matter. My Husband and my Parents and friends are with me 100%. Last October I filed to have the government release my adoption records to me so that I may see the names and any other information that did not come with my parents adoption papers. Lucky enough these papers fell in my lap last week on my birthday. After examining them, they brought up many more questions. Childish as they may be I was hoping for answers. My one question was "Were my birth parents in a committed relationship? What was he like? (ie: personality and character) and much, much more. While trying to handle this delicately to her, she got angry and said I was the result of a one night stand. My birthmother is friendly and open about her life, this is the one topic she will not discuss. This is one part of her life that she has locked away and tossed away the key forever. This brings on thoughts of "Is my birthfather the right man?", "Was she raped or drugged?" (it was the 70's after all). I feel there is a major piece of information that I am missing and I'm not allowed to have it. Has any adoptee out there been in this same situation? Has any adoptee found their birthfather only to have a door slammed in their face? The birthmom says that he will deny me just like he did her and she's afraid I will be rejected. Amongst all these "warnings", it makes me want to contact my birthfather even more. I'm hoping someone out there knows what it's like to be in this situation. Any support is greatly appreciated!!
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Right now, you don't know with certainty that you are the product of a one-night stand. There are at least two sides to every story, and you've only heard one side. She may have said that to you to keep from seeking him out. And, she's using scare tactics to try to dissaude you from seeking out your father. He might not welcome you. He might slam the door in your face. It happens. You need to be prepared for that possibility. But, she also might not have told him about you. And, there are many other possible scenarios. My suspicion is that they had some sort of relationship. She seems to have a lot of anger and resentment toward him, and that signals a relationship to me..... I don't think she would tell you it was a one-night stand if she had been raped. That (one-night stand) sounds too casual. It is not uncommon for mothers to clam up about the fathers. You just need to decide if you're willing to risk rejection.
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I'm going to respectfully disagree with L4R on the possibility of rape when she says it was a one night stand. She may have very well been raped and is saying it was a one night stand. If she was drugged, that is rape, there is no difference. If she couldn't actively consent, she was raped. It happened then and it happens now. There is a lot of shame involving rape and a lot of victim blaming. For some women, especially if there is a child, it is less shameful for them to say that it was a one night stand than a rape. I know it seems out of whack, but it is the truth. The level of anger could very well indicate a rape. I'd be mad as he** still if I was raped even if it was in the 70's. It could of course be a one night stand that she thought would be more or it could have been a relationship that was ended and she was hurt. It is hard to speculate what went on with another person.
I agree it's a possibility. I just wouldn't go in assuming rape. And, I want to be clear that when I wrote about the level of anger seeming disproportionate, I was only referring to the possibility of it solely being a one-night stand. (And, one-night stands involve mutual consent.) My gut reaction is that it wasn't a one-night stand. My gut says they had a relationship. But, I'd believe rape over a one-night stand. But, none of us know what happened. And, even if you talk with your father, you may still never know. You just have to decide whether you're willing to risk rejection.
Thanks for the replies. I plan on contacting my birth father no matter what. The details from the past can stay in the past. I'm moving forward and if I get rejected, I can be proud of myself for trying. When my daughters wish to learn more about my life as an adoptee, I will have my answers and I will share my adventure with them. It will be a great story for generations to come. Thanks for your time! :)