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I have adopted 2 young girls, currently 10 and 6. I have had them both for almost 6 yrs, adoptions finalized last year. They were removed for neglect and abuse, and bio mom is an addict. We have continued to keep in touch with the birth mother (visiting at least once a month), and frankly I want out. But I also want what's best for my children.
They say they want to see her, but usually only after a "phone call". If we don't hear from her, they don't ask to see her. If we don't initiate contact first, weeks will go by that we don't hear from her. Of course, if we've been seeing her regulary for a while, the girls want to know why she's not calling them or asking to see them. Eventually they stop asking. When she finally remembers they exist and calls and asks to see them, the cycle starts all over again.
Recently I found out she had been taking photos of them I was unaware of, and posting them all over her Facebook (which I had SPECIFICALLY asked her NOT to do) about how much she loved her daughters and what a happy family they were together. When I told her to remove them, she ignored me, and blocked me from her profile. I had to have Facebook remove them. We hadn't heard from her for almost 2 months. I almost felt a sense of relief she was gone, and other than mentioning her name on occasion, they never asked to see her or talk to her.
Last night, she wanted to talk to them. Right away it was "I miss you, I'm so sorry I haven't called you. My phone was stolen, I lost your number, yada yada yada. Ask your "other mom" when I get to see you again. Are you so excited to I'm giving you a new baby sister? Your baby brother misses you" I'm so fed up with the lies and the drama. To my face she's sweet as pie, and behind my back she's vicious. I feel like I constantly have to watch her because I can't trust her to be alone with them for fear of what she's going to do/say to them. I hate this feeling. It also bothers me that my oldest can't see my family as her family. We're not her family, we just adopted her. Her birth family is her family. Which is odd, considering she has never actually lived with them. She was taken in by an aunt (who passed away which is why I have her) as an infant and grew up with her family. I can't help but feel if they just went away, we would be able to move forward and this disconnect would go away.
On the other hand, I dont' want them to resent me for taking them away. I don't want them to grow up without their "history". But I'm sick and tired of having to put on a happy face and be gracious and sociable with a a family I neither like, trust nor respect. Help!!
It's best to cut off contact with her as she sounds like she could be trouble. :/ TBH I feel like the kids could do without all that drama! Best of luck.
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Yeah, open adoption can become complicated, especially with an unstable addict involved. It seems that it is only confusing the children. They can reconnect when they're adults and mature enough to handle the situation. The current situation may also negatively affect your sense of entitlement to them. You are their mom, and not as the "other mom". Frankly, if this was me, I would get out of the situation.
weeks going by without contact is normal. You said she lost the children due to neglect and addiction..?
you need to do whats right for you.
I can share my experience; it might help
I and 5 years into an OA with an addict who lost custody to the state due to neglect and addiction. As an addict, she is impulsive, doesn't always follow through, and tried my patience early on.
But we are in a good place now. here's what helped.
1) we have "x" amount of allowed visits per year (quarterly in our case)
2) BM needs to request her quarterly visit in advance in writing (2 weeks minimum).
3) she needs to show up sober, without other people, and on time. three strikes and she loses it forever
4) visits are supervised
5) no phone, texting contact.. thats TOO much for an impulsive addict. She can email me and I might chose to share the information
knowing she hasn't lost her other mom for good has helped my DD immensely.. for all the bad, she loves her mom very much. reducing the constantly churn of chaos by limiting visits has enabled my DD to settle in and become secure with her life
the first year, J was asking about her mom every week.. then every month. This year, its been 7 months since our last visit (pretty sure T is in a bad place, and she knows better than to drag us in when she's struggling). J hasn't shown any signs of disappointment. its enough for her to know she'll see her again, some day
of course, you mileage may vary
best of luck working this out
I've actually grown to care for that crazy woman. Not enough to enable her behavior; but enough that it's ok having her in our life.
It's best to cut off contact with her as she sounds like she could be trouble. :/ TBH I feel like the kids could do without all that drama! Best of luck
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