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Hello. I am new to this site and to being a foster mom.
We recently (April 19th) for a lovely young lady in our home who turned 12 with us while she was living here. We even had a big birthday bash.
She is actually fairly easy to deal with, and her temperament is very easy going. She does have depression issues and if you talk to her about a hard issue she doesn't want to face she shuts down.
One main medical thing she has is called encopresis.
Where the child will become constipated and the stool backs up and after awhile just goes around the blockage (sorry if that is a little gross for some of you out there).
This causes accidents. Not bad one, apparently they used to be Very bad in her old foster homes, she has been moved twice before coming to live with us. We will most likely be her permanent foster home.
encopresis is due to stress, and past trauma and insecurity in life.
At the moment her messes are mostly bad skid marks (this is the lovely TMI part) at the moment almost every day, I have to go through her laundry and look for underwear, because they usually have marks on them about the size of small skid marks to a dollop of brownie batter.
We have tried to talk to her about it of course. To warn her when it happens during the day so she can go change. Of course we can't force her, but she says she is fine and nothing is wrong and her underwear is clean.
Which I know isn't the case due to smell and the next day I will find the underwear is messed.
So here is the main question, how do you find a healthy way to get a 12 year old girl to change her underwear when company is over or just during the day?
And one way to due with encopresis is positive reinforcement. I am unsure of how to do that? We have talked with her and explained how it is not her fault and how it will go away. But we are new to the foster game. We don't know what it will take for it to go away. and at 12 and still messing your pants it is very embarrassing.
Any tips would be great.
Sorry for the rant and the ramble.
Thank you all.
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She sounds like a great kid. I'm sure its extremely embarassing for her. If she's like the typical 12 year old, even discussing it is something to be avoided (in her mind); tweens (at least mine) seem to be all about avoiding tough topicsHonestly, i'd try finding a small purse/wallet, putting spare underwear in it (alone with a plastic bag for the dirty ones) and encourage her to take it with her. good luck
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Thank you Wcurry!I was thinking almost the same thing. She is going to be doing a lot of day camps in Summer and you know how well thoughtless some middle school age kids can be about blurting things out. I would hate for her to stuck in a situation where one of the other kids notices.I love hearing feed back that validates. Not to actually get here to do it...that is the hard part.
First off, focus on stopping the encopresis, not on the dirty underwear.Some tricks for preventing constipation:1. Have your child drink lots and lots of water. Make sure that your daughter understands that the body needs liquid to make stool that is soft enough to pass easily. Do not substitute sodas (regular or diet), caffeinated beverages, or juices, if possible, though a little leeway is permitted.2. With your doctor's permission, give a stool softener every day. Stool softeners are preferable to laxatives, which should be used only if your doctor thinks it's truly necessary.3. Have your child eat high fiber foods, such as whole grain breads, fresh vegetables (raw or lightly cooked), etc.4. Encourage your daughter to schedule a time to sit in the bathroom every day.. She can bring a timer if she wishes and set it for ten minutes. She can also bring a book to read on the toilet or her I-Pod. The goal is to get your daughter to train her body to develop an elimination schedule, and to relax enough so that "poop happens".5. Your child cannot control her constipation right now, so don't criticise her for messing her pants. But DO tell her that you will buy her some cool new underwear if she can help you keep it clean -- which means changing her underwear as soon as she has leakage and rinsing out the dirty panties immediately; you can show her how. If she can rinse the soiled undies and put them in a place where you will find and launder them, terrific. If she can learn to use the washing machine herself, so much the better.6. Encopresis can be the result of emotional issues. If you sense that your child has some issues relating to her past living situations, get her into therapy.Sharon
Sharon!Sorry it took me a bit to reply.I agree with you.She does drink lots of water, I limit soda and juice to treats. Like after difficult tasks (she struggles in Math so she gets that as a treat when completing hard assignments). And I try to make her understand how it regulates her and it helps her.At the moment she is on a stool softener that the doctor has put her on for having every day about. It is a powder that goes in water in the morning. It help her bowels regulate and get back on a normal functioning schedule.I had read about the sitting on the toilet for certain amounts of time. She is super strong willed and I am hoping she will let me encourage her to do this. We have not tried to yet and are hoping to implement it soon. We (my husband and I) never criticize for dirty underwear, we speak gently and try to explain how if she feels as if she has gone she would go and change and bring her underwear to the laundry room. We remind her often but she always just puts it in her hamper. So every day I have to go in and get it. She has asked if I can teach her to do laundry, I also explained that if doing so she would have to learn how to clean her underwear. She doesn't want to learn that, she completely shut down when I told her that. I always tell her it is not a punishment it is just something that happens. And It will take a while to get control of but we will help her along the way. Her encopresis happened due to a past trauma, yes, she was abuse sexually. That is why we think it is happening now. She is in therapy and just started with a new counselor down in our town. So Stress is always a factor, one week will be very good on none or very small messes and the next week all her underwear will be practically ruined. It is just something we are slowly weeding through. Thank you for your thoughts. Support is always needed.
I see this is an old post...but since she is a girl and will be getting her period soon (if not already)...Can she wear little panty liners??? and just change them out as necessary?? they usually come deodorized and can easily be thrown out without needing to change the underwear...plus that is something NORMAL and nonembarrassing for a girl of that age to carry on her person... no one would think anything of it... just a thought!!!
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