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I saw my birth daughter last month for the first time in months (She found me a few years ago and visits have been occasional but we have never been alone together). I met her family half way between our homes. It was very difficult and not much fun. It was strained and there wasn't much conversation. I know they felt it too. I have been thinking it over and I have decided I'm going to end the relationship. I will continue with occasional "thinking of you" messages and birthday cards etc but I don't want to get together any more. That ship sailed due to our separation. I now find myself wishing she had never found me. I had put that pain away and, although it was always there, it was livable. Now it's fresh and always there. I wish I could remember how I got thru the worst of it before. I guess just living life. I will always be there for her if she needs me but I don't want anymore visits. I know I have to be very careful in how I do this because I don't want her to feel rejected again. I haven't initiated contact much in the last few months because I was thinking out other issues so that won't stand out to her. All I know is my sanity will not allow me to continue this way so getting together more to try to get past this is not an option. I know she felt it too. Has anyone else decided to do this? Any thoughts on this?
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I've been mulling this over since you posted it.If you discontinue seeing your daughter face to face she is of course going to feel rejected a second time. How could she not? Wouldn't you feel rejected if the shoe were on the other foot?I realize the two of you have issues. I get that. These relationships aren't easy. Family relationships in general aren't easy and then throw in adoption, and it gets messy because we are relative strangers. We think we are supposed to feel a family connection immediately. Some people do, but I would bet more people don't. I'd step back, get some perspective, and then reconsider what I was going to do. I wouldn't cut off face to face contact because I was frustrated and upset. Thinking of you notes and birthday cards simply aren't going to make up for the "I don't want to see you."
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I understand what you're saying but I have been putting my heart out there and trying. She lives an hour away and I haven't been invited to her house in over a year. I have invited her here numerous times. She comes sometimes but she has cancelled at the last minute with some pretty out there excuses. I haven't invited here here in months. She texts me sometimes and says she'd like to visit on such and such a day and if I have plans I cancel them knowing it's 50/50 will she come. I honestly just can't take it anymore. I do not want her to feel rejected but do my feelings not count? The way she acts I could feel rejected but I don't. I just feel time has gone on and we are not meant to be. Like I said, if she needs me I'm here but I can't keep putting myself out there. Maybe I'm supposed to (that's what moms do) but I need to protect me. We have never talked on the phone. Just texts. If she texts me I will respond but I won't initiate any. I would love to have a closer relationship but it just isn't happening. Is it really wrong to walk away when the writing is on the wall? I guess I'll always have doubts no matter what I do.Thank you for your response. I truly do listen and take into consideration what you say. It's just so hard when your heart and head tell you different things.
I put myself out there over and over for my son. I've slogged through eleven years of a messy open adoption. I have thought time and again that I should walk away to protect my own feelings but I don't because my son deserves me being present.I live two hours from my mom and dad, I get home twice a year. They visit here with the actual purpose of visiting maybe three or four times a year. They stop when they are going to see my brother .Otherwise we don't plan visits. Mthe one family member in my original family that I have contact with and I have made plans multiple times, they don't work out. We are relatively strangers. I don't expect it to be the same with that brother. I would suggest thatyou offer a few chances to visit a year when you don't have to cancel plans. You are torturing yourself. Also, don't have expectations, because people rarely act how we expect them to