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Hello. I'm 33 year old and I know my biological family. In the last 9 years we've growing closer and this feels good, to be honest. But the thing is I still don't know why I was adopted. Why, from all my other siblings, I was the only selected to be given away. In one hand I want and need to now, but in the other hand I don't want to cause any problems or awake old issues. It's strange, because everyone on my both families (biological and adoptive) acts like I know, but I don't. This is been on my mind for a while. How do you think I should address this matter? Many thanks!
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Hey Michael - welcome to the forum!!Reasons why are important to understand and you deserve honest answers. Getting those may make your mother and/or father by birth uncomfortable at the time, and the only thing I think you can do is try to ask in a setting that allows for the most comfort. Settings like taking a walk where something else reduces the tension versus where a face to face talk exacerbates the tension.Personally, I'd start off with what you said in your post - everyone thinks you know why, but you don't, and you're wondering if there is a letter that you were supposed to have received, or a time it was explained but you were too young to remember. Even if because you just never directly asked why - did everyone just accept you figured it out, or were okay with not knowing. Then ask her (them) to tell you the story of why the chose adoption, why she (they) felt they couldn't parent you, what changed so she (they) could parent your siblings... Wishing you the best.Kind regards,Dickons
Thanks for the quick reply.That helped a lot.All my live I was led to believe that I was adopted for one reason, but some years ago I discovered it wasn't true. Just a "happier" version of everything for when I was a kid.But now that I can see things differently, I some hints, but it looks just like some pieces of a big puzzle.The idea of going for a walk or to have a talk in a calm environment makes all the sense. I know that my biological mother doesn't like to talk about the past and either about my father (who I've come to understand was pivotal for me to be adopted)."fun, fun, fun" this is... Thank you once again!
Hey Michael - welcome to the forum!!Reasons why are important to understand and you deserve honest answers. Getting those may make your mother and/or father by birth uncomfortable at the time, and the only thing I think you can do is try to ask in a setting that allows for the most comfort. Settings like taking a walk where something else reduces the tension versus where a face to face talk exacerbates the tension.Personally, I'd start off with what you said in your post - everyone thinks you know why, but you don't, and you're wondering if there is a letter that you were supposed to have received, or a time it was explained but you were too young to remember. Even if because you just never directly asked why - did everyone just accept you figured it out, or were okay with not knowing. Then ask her (them) to tell you the story of why the chose adoption, why she (they) felt they couldn't parent you, what changed so she (they) could parent your siblings... Wishing you the best.Kind regards,Dickons
Tough stuff.I'm going to go with the idea that one set of parents thinks the other told you, and vice versa.I like Dickons idea. In my work I find that people do really great talking on a car ride. You don't have to look at each other and conversation just flows. What is said in the car stays in the car is my motto. If things get uncomfortable you just stop for a drink, get back in, gauge the atmosphere, and either restart the conversation or move on with something inconsequential.Good luck!
Thanks for your feedback.I think it's one of those things that everybody is assuming one thing and then things start to get build on top of it.I was told something when I was a kid but that turned out to be "sweet"/white lie.No one ever came to me to explain why. The thing is, I no longer live in the same country as them. So every time I visit my family, time is reduced and I want to enjoy every bit of it, peacefully and calmly. But I do know that, even if I don't have much time that I'll have to sort out some way to have this talk.Once again, thank you.
Tough stuff.I'm going to go with the idea that one set of parents thinks the other told you, and vice versa.I like Dickons idea. In my work I find that people do really great talking on a car ride. You don't have to look at each other and conversation just flows. What is said in the car stays in the car is my motto. If things get uncomfortable you just stop for a drink, get back in, gauge the atmosphere, and either restart the conversation or move on with something inconsequential.Good luck!
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Hi Michael,I just want to say I know the feeling! I'm 28 and I was older when I was adopted. The reason that was given was my parents were both too young and didn't not have any support from any other relatives. At the time I was adopted, I was walking and talking so of course they had to explain what was happening and why. Well when I hit my teens I started questioning the reasons, what else was there? My adoptive mother is really not good at hiding things, so when the subject came up over and over again I could tell in my gut there was much more unsaid. I did as much research as I could, when I was 22 I found my birth mother on fb. We all connected, siblings and all, and I felt such a great relief finally I had pieces from a puzzle that were missing for so long. Slowly over time, when the topic came up, I started to learn more and more. Slowly. Everyone was scared to tell me the truth. My adoptive parents told me when I confronted them, that they felt it was best that I hear it from my bio-mother, even if I was never to meet her. Now I'm 28, I've had to do more digging to find out exactly what happened, I actually applied for all my medical files from all the hospitals from where I'm from just to try and get the full story because I could feel it in my gut. So even at 28, a couple of months back my adoptive mother told me something huge, that no one ever mentioned. I love them all to death, logically I know they were trying to protect me, emotionally it's my life and I want to know everything that happened to ME! It's hard not to feel a bit of resentment. Their intentions were good, hell I might have done the same, but I feel like I've been lied to my whole life. I hope you find out everything, and be prepared. But I think you have the right to know, if that's what you want, I would do exactly what I've done... Bring it up casually, and show confidence about it so they are not scared something will slip out that will hurt you. Best of luck!
Thank you Cece for replying and for sharing your experience.I think we might have, in some way, a similar experience. At least regarding that feeling that we have in our gut, that we don't know the entire truth, or that same truth is that not truth at all.I've been thinking of calling my older sister (biological sister) first and have an heart-to-heart talk. I have the idea that she would tell me what she knows. Just to be more prepared when I'm asking my birth mother the real reason why.But things are complicated right now. At this moment I feel lots of resentment towards my adoptive mother (for other different reasons) and I don't feel I'm in a good place, as I am very angry, to have whatever talk with either of my moms about this topic. I need to clear my head first and ask myself why I really need to know. It might seem obvious that I have the right to know, but I want to be sure I'm doing it for the right reasons as well.Many thanks!
Hi Michael,I just want to say I know the feeling! I'm 28 and I was older when I was adopted. The reason that was given was my parents were both too young and didn't not have any support from any other relatives. At the time I was adopted, I was walking and talking so of course they had to explain what was happening and why. Well when I hit my teens I started questioning the reasons, what else was there? My adoptive mother is really not good at hiding things, so when the subject came up over and over again I could tell in my gut there was much more unsaid. I did as much research as I could, when I was 22 I found my birth mother on fb. We all connected, siblings and all, and I felt such a great relief finally I had pieces from a puzzle that were missing for so long. Slowly over time, when the topic came up, I started to learn more and more. Slowly. Everyone was scared to tell me the truth. My adoptive parents told me when I confronted them, that they felt it was best that I hear it from my Biological Parent-mother, even if I was never to meet her. Now I'm 28, I've had to do more digging to find out exactly what happened, I actually applied for all my medical files from all the hospitals from where I'm from just to try and get the full story because I could feel it in my gut. So even at 28, a couple of months back my adoptive mother told me something huge, that no one ever mentioned. I love them all to death, logically I know they were trying to protect me, emotionally it's my life and I want to know everything that happened to ME! It's hard not to feel a bit of resentment. Their intentions were good, hell I might have done the same, but I feel like I've been lied to my whole life. I hope you find out everything, and be prepared. But I think you have the right to know, if that's what you want, I would do exactly what I've done... Bring it up casually, and show confidence about it so they are not scared something will slip out that will hurt you. Best of luck!