It has been 6 months since I fist met my beautiful son after 36 very long years. I have been dreaming of our reunion since the day my family informed me that I could not keep my baby boy.I made it a part of the adoption that he could contact me when he turned 18, and I made sure that my parents kept the same phone number and never moved. When his 18th birthday came and went I thought he must be happy in his new family and doesn't need me or he is dead. I never stopped looking into every boys face hoping to find him. I posted searching information on every adotion sight I came across. Finally in January of this year I received an e-mail from his sister saying her brother has been trying to find me. This was one of the happiest days of my life, however my son never called me. Three weeks later I begged his sister for his phone number and called him and met him that same day. The hole in my heart immediatly flooded with love when I fist saw him. The third meeting was hard for me because of the grief, which I never grieved after our loss. I was sad and wanted to cry and had no idea why. The emotions I was having were so intense. I had no idea what I was doing or saying or what he wanted from our relationship. When I asked him why he wanted to find me he said I didn't find you my sister did and that he was not ready yet. I told my son that I will give him the space and time he needed to prepare himself and he became agry and stopped responding to me. It was then that I started educating myself on the adoption reunion process. I bought every book I could find, joined support groups, talked with all my friends who were adopted or adoptive mothers, and tried to help myself and my son through this process. My son beame angrier and constantly tried to engage me in battles, which I on occassion would engage in. Finally I told him that our relationship was unhealthy and we need to take a break and regroup when we cool down. Two months later he texted me not to text, email, or contact his girlfriend who wanted to meet with me. That text sent me into a fit of rage and I sent him a letter of total honesty of how I felt about him, his adoptive family, my family that was involved in the adoption process, and I told him that all I ever wanted was to be reunited with my son and love him unconditionally. I never wanted to hurt him or reject him or abandon him. I love him so much my heart feels like it is being crushed. Last Friday was our 6 month anniversary since we first met, and I texted him that it was one of the happiest days of my life and to have a happy Friday, with no response as usual, and I decided it was the day that I finally had to let go and get on with my life. I have put everything on hold for the last 6 months to be there for my son 100%, and he wont even speak to me or see me. I did, however find out last weekend that he and my nephew met up and went fishing for two days and talked about me, which made me jealous and sad. I feel like I have done everything that I could possibly do to bond with my son, and I have been met with anger and rejection, which I understand. I feel guilty just walking away from this reunion but it is too painful to stay in this relationship by myself because a relationship takes two people. Any thoughts?
Hello! i read all history, im excited for you and happy. everyone thinks that mothers do not love their children when reliquished.
They think they are just biological machines. Did your son write you? you keep in kontakt with him?
Hi Rozi,
Do you think my son thinks that I hate him. I told him from day 1 how much I love him and that I have loved him his whole life he just didn't know it. I let down all my walls and was totally and completely honest with him. I think he hates me, but I definitly could never hate any of my children.
Yes, I have written him letters, bought him gifts, taken him golfing, dinner, lunch, sports events. He has met a ton of my family members and my friends. I have totally been there for him since the day I got the email from his sister. His biggest issue is that he thiks that everything I tell him is a lie and I have never lied to him, but he has told me that he does lie to me. He loves to call me names and tell me I am insecure and pathetic, which totally is not me. I think he self projects a lot of his stuff onto me.
Are you an adoptee, birth mom, adoptive mom, or just a supporter?
I'm a mother of loss and an adopted adult :) just by way of introduction.
I'm about the same age as your son. I was placed for adoption as an infant. My mother and father were married and had five children. My father died when my mother was about 2 or 3 months pregnant with me. She subsequently placed me for adoption at the urging of her family.
So when I was growing up I always heard she did this because she loved you. So people who love you give you away then right? No matter how much they tell you they love you, they give you away, because love doesn't mean you keep people, it means you give them away. Logically I know that isn't true, but people sometimes operate on emotions. I have to reject people who love me first because it hurts less. Is that ok? Nope, not even a little, but I do it. I wonder if that is what is going on with him. He is making things up to protect himself.
My mother has refused contact with me, in fact she denies that I am hers. I am in touch with my brother who is closest in age to me. I won't lie to you, he tried to get my phone number from my then father in law, even offered to pay my fil to bring him to meet me. I wasn't ok with that. There are things that have to go at other people's pace and all he did was slow things down. My FIL didn't comply and told him to calm down so we are ok today, but I have to wonder if his sister's involvement and your contacting first has something to do with all of this.
You most certainly can pull back for your emotional well being. I'd leave the door open though because people can and do change all the time.
Thank you for that explanation Bellinblue,
I can understand pushing someone you love away because it bring you pain or fear because I did this to my son after our first meeting, but I explained to him why I did it and we mended our ways. My son, however has never explained to me why he stopped responding to me and will not tell me if he wants a relationship with me or not so I am in limbo and in pain. The love for him makes me want to keep trying and the hurt part of me wants to walk away.
Yes, me talking to his sister was a huge trigger, and I should have listened to him from day one. I only talked to her because he would not talk to me and I had a lot of questions. His sister did push the relationship and I did not want to reject her because she was part of his family and she had told me a story about my sons adopted brothers, birth mom, rejecting his adoptive family and how they resented her for it. I just wanted to be one big happy family, but me talking to he made him act crazy towards me.
At this present time I have found out that other members of my family have been contacting him to repair our relationships. He went fishing with my nephew for two days last week, yet he wont talk to me.
Did you ever have a relationship with your birth mother before she disowned you as her daughter. How did you feel about her when you first met her? What were your reasons for wanting to find her? Did you have a lot of anger towards her when you first met? I m so confused about this relationship and I don't know how to move forward with all this love and pain I feel for him.
I have never met my mother. The reason I know she believes I'm not her daughter is because my brother told me.
I looked for her because I had a child, who I lost to adoption, and I needed to know where I came from. I needed to know who I look like. I needed to have some questions answered. I wasn't necessarily looking for a relationship, although I would have been ok with that too. I wasn't looking for a mom, I have that, but there has always been a hole in my soul. Did I think she would fill it? No, that is my job, but I needed some help.
I have had some anger towards her. I think that is a pretty common thing, particularly when we are younger. I'm ok with it now, simply because I have had some of the same experiences as her and because I know enough of her story and my family's story to know that things have been really hard for her. Besides, since she isn't interested in contact with me, anger towards her only hurts me.
Dear Belleinblue-
I do not understand these birth moms who do not want to reconnect with their children. These are our children who we gave life to and ultimately made the adotion decision that affected their lives. These innocent babies never had a say so in their lives and for a birth mother to not want to reconnect with their children is unfathimable. I have waited 36 years to meet up with my son and it was one of the happiest days of my life. He filled the hole in my heart by just getting that first email from the adoption agency. Today my son snet a text to my husband saying he does not want me to be part of his life after a tough 6 month reunion. I am kind of happy he finally made a decision even though it not the decision I wanted him to make. Not knowing if your child wants to be part of your life or not is like having a missing child and not knowing what is happening to that child until he winds up either found or dead. I do not like the not knowing. I would rather have a definite answer.
When did you lose your child to adoption? Have you reconnected with that child? Why would your mother think that you were not her child? Do you keep in contact with your brother? Do you know where to find your mother to confront her face to face? I bet if she saw you face to face she would see the resembelence of herself in you and would have a change of heart. The minute I saw my son I feel in love. A love that was so deep and one that I have never felt before not even for my other children. This love made my heart ache in pain. It is probably easier for your mom to reject you because she hasnt met you ,and she hasn't really faced her past or the greif of the past, she is still in hiding.
I understand your anger towards your mother and I understand my sons anger towards me because I am also angry at the decision that was made 36 years ago and about all the time I have lost with my beautiful son. We are all angry at our loss and are all greiving our loss, but hopefully with time we can all heal with or without each other in our lives.
My Kiddo was born 11 years ago. I never had to reconnect with him because the adoption is open. He will be spending next week with me in fact. So that situation is completely different from mine.
As for my mother... I really don't know why she thinks I'm not hers. I can speculate, and have, but it is just speculation. I do know where she is, but I would never confront her. I don't think it would change her mind, she has seen pictures of me. My brother has talked about how much we look alike and that hasn't made a difference. Thing is, a relationship is about two people and neither person's needs trumps the other. My needs don't trump hers and that is fine. I won't cause her more heartache by being the "crazy adoptee" lurking in the bushes.
Hi Belleinblue,
That is wonderful that you have an open odoption with your son and that you get to spend time with him. Is that hard to do? Is it hard giving him back to his adoptive parents after spending time with him? I imagine that it is better to share some time with him and know he is safe and happy then wonder all your life about the kind of life he is having.
I am very dissapointed in your mother. Mothers should love their children no matter what. My son, who I was just reunited with, has put me through hell and back during this reunion process and I could not love him any more than I do today. I would give up my own life for that man. I love all of my children, but my love is different for him because our relationship has not been established and I feel that he needs more love and compassion than my other children do.
What is the relationship like between your birth mom and your brother? Are they close? Your mother does know she is your mother because she gave birth to you, but it sounds like it is to painful to revist her past for some reason.
When I was reunited with my son it was hard to go back into my past and bring forth all the memories of becoming pregnant and my family arranging for my son to be adopted behind my back. I am sure my past was much less painful to remember than others. Sometimes our pasts are buried so deep into the unconscious mind that it is hard to bring forward.The unconscious mind contains all sorts of significant and disturbing material which we need to keep out of our awareness because it is too threatening to fully acknowledge. It is so powerful that it keeps our thoughts buried until something helps bring them to the surface.
I had not thought about the relinquishment of my son in over 36 years and when my son asks about his birth I had a hard time remebering any details, but the more I talked to him about it and looked through old photos the more I began to remember. My son kept on thinking that I was lying to him about the details of his birth because the story kept on changing, but it was not that I was intentionally lying to him, I just shoved all those memories so far down it took a while for me to bring them back up. I did make him a birth story book with my actual accounts so he could have his story.
Your mom probably does not want to feel all the pain of the past and if she ever does choose to go there I am sure she will realize that she loves you more than she could ever imagine. I hate the saying "only time will tell" because I like to have answers now, but sometimes we have to be patient and wait.
Open adoption is tough in a whole different way than closed adoption is tough. It is hard when he calls his mom, mom in front of me, not that I expect any differently. Taking him back is usually not a problem. He's 11, kids are obnoxious at that age, and I discipline differently than his mom and dad, so it can make things interesting.
The hardest part is the relationship with his parents. They hold all the cards and are people that I wouldn't be friends with if I just knew them on the street. We wouldn't socialize with them if we were coworkers or whatever. It is challenging to come together for this little person you now have in common.
Belleinblue,
You must be thick skinned to be able to handle the open adoption. I am a total control freak and it would not sit well with me because I like things my way or no way. Does your son know that you are his birth mother? I agree the tween years are difficult. I have a 16 year old boy and he is finally a loving caring young man instead of a hormonal teenager. When my found son decided he did not want a relationship with me yesterday I told my 16 year old son and he held me so tight and said don't worry mommy you still have me. I just started crying. I don't think my found son realizes how much he is giving up. I have a big family all located in this area who welcomed my son with open arms. My mother lives minutes from him and my neice and nephew are lifegaurds at the beach he fishes at. My son's adoptive parents are both deceased and his two siblings, who he is not close to, live far away. He has no relatives from his adoptive family anywhere near him. I think he had a problem with my families wealth because he brought it up in a negative way a few times. I have told him several times that what is mine is yours, you are part of this family. I have never had anyone not like me and it hurts even worse because it is my son who hates me.I really don't know what else to do.
Yep, he knows who I am, always has. He has started calling me mom now and then, usually he just uses my name. Someday, when he is an adult I'm going to talk to him about how much I detest the term birth mother. for the time being, he gets to use whatever he wants. He knows that I call my mother and father just that and that I have a mom and dad. I told him I don't use the terms birth anything. I call him my son and introduce him as just that. I don't use the term birth son with him. If I have to clarify I use first. He is my only child as well, so that makes a difference I suppose.
I'm glad he and I will never have to go through the pain and hassle of a reunion so it makes this worth it.
It sounds like it works for you and your son and I too hate all the diffrent terminology used, but sometimes it is easier to use it when talking to a person about your situation. I never thought of myself as my sons birth mother, nor did I ever hear the term used until I started reading up on adoption reunions, which is another ridiculous term.You are so lucky you never have to go through the reunion process with your son.
Yesterday my son decided he did not want me in his life and I was making peace with that, and today he sent me text trying to lash out and hurt me. The funny thing is that he was the one who bad mouthed his adoptive family and bashed me for giving him away, but the texts he sent said that he was glad I gave him away to the best parents he could have ever hoped for and he had the happiest life ever. He said he has always wanted to thank me for giving me up and if I would have kept him he would have killed himself. I understand he is angry at me, but now I am confused as to what he is angry about. He said he was going to take everything I gave him and burn it and it will make him feel joy. I told him that I was happy that he had amazing parents and a great life because what more could a mother want for her son and that I understand he is angry but didn't he think it was a little extreme to want to burn everything instead of just throwing it away.I told him that ultimately it was his decision to meet me and his decision on whether he wanted a relationship with me and he has made his decision so why is he so angry. I told him I loved him very much and will take away only the good memories and if he ever decides he wants to be a part of my life, the door is always open.
I wish I was given the option of an open adoption because I think it would have helped us have a healtier relationship in the long run.