Any Foster Parents Without Bio Kids?

I think respite can be a really good glimpse into how it all works. Some things to be cautious of since you have no Bio kids.1. Making all visits special events (if you do regular respite for the same kids this can become an issue on entitlement) (I learned this one the hard way)2. A lot of issues you may encounter can not be addressed over the weekend or on a 1 week stay. 3. Unless you only take weekend respite it can be a bit of a schedule juggle.I also think it helps with the whole letting the kids go thing too. These kids are only here a short time and then they return to their regular homes. You know that going in and there is no illusion that you will be able to adopt them (although we do have a member that adopted the child she did respite for). I definitely think it will give you a good idea on what you want your parenting style to be, what DH might be good at or enjoy kidwise, and just in the adjustment from being DINK (double income no kids) to having children.

Thank you, guys. This conversation is really helping. :)I agree about timing, Smarty, and I think in some ways, I shouldn't stress over details like ages, because it will just come down to what's right for us at the time. So maybe I will give us a wide range at first and see what happens.AlwaysRoom4More, thank you for the info about respite! All of those points are helpful. You're right about the adjustment from DINK to having children. I know DH is apprehensive about such a big change, so being able to ease into it and not be full time parents yet will be helpful.

You are me, 4 years ago. I was in my mid to late 20s with no kids (working in an elementary school no less) and thought "I'm going to do respite to get my feet wet". My first call was for a kiddo for no more than two weeks (babysitting issue).... 2 years later and she was still with me. She was worth every second but it still makes me chuckle at how fast poor me got sucked into parenthood. :-P

Oh wow, SingleMom. I wouldn't have expected that to happen. If we have a similar experience, I won't be disappointed, but I do kind of hope we'll have a slower transition into parenthood. :)

I have one son, adopted, placed with me at about a week old. I chose to adopt rather than try to get pregnant. When he was two, I found, through some medical issues, that I am am infertile. Even though I was not planning on having biological children, that hit me really hard. I'm glad that I adopted my son before I knew, because I knew for certain that it was a choice, if that makes sense.Everyone has a different age that works best for them. I love toddlers. IThey're harder than babies in a lot of ways, but I love how quickly they are learning and developing. They interact more than newborns, and for me that was easier to connect to. I have a couple of friends who started with teens, one in her mid-20s and the other mid-30s. One of them still takes only teens, because she connects best with them. You're not alone in not having or wanting biological children. I've gotten all the comments about it being different "when they're your own" or that "I could never love/ raise someone else's kids." I'm not raising someone else's kids. My son is my son. My foster kids are also my kids, for however long I have them. I've come to feel very sorry for the people who have so little love to give that it has to depend on biology.

We to started this process childless. We both have very treatable infertility. Like the DR thinks I could take Metformin and be pregnant within 6 months. My ex was a social worker, and for 7 years I wanted to be a foster parent because of the cases he would talk to me about, but he wasn't interested because he lived the stress at work, he wasn't comfortable living it at home too. So along came hubby, on our first date I explained my desire to foster. He was on board, we married 11 months later, celerbrated our first wedding anniversary with 2,3,4 yr old siblings, celebrated our second anniversary with the original trio plus two more boys bringing our ages to 2,3,3,4,5. So we've held steady for the last 2 years with 5 kids, who are all mine come hell or high water. I've went psycho mommy on one cheer coach, a kindergarten teacher who was rude, and a social worker who tried to restart visits in the midst of a TPR trial. So uhm yeah Im pretty sure I treat them just like I would my own blood children. In some ways I think I am better to them because I know the trials and pains they have went through, I work harder to get them services, where if they were my blood I would be a lot less tolerant of things because there would be no trauma to correlate with their behavior. My Ms Goody Two Shoes is now 7, Sassy Spaz Chica is 6, Mr Human Body Obsessionado is 6, Mr Tazmanian Devil is 5, and Mr Old Soul Dude is 5......... They enjoy a robust routine of Cheer/football/baseball/scouts/lots of grandmas and grandpas who dote on them/ and enjoying heading to the beach on vacations. In a family picture we got lucky ours all look enough like us we get no questions (I wouldn't have cared one bit to have a multi racial family, but I do have to admit it helps limit the questions in public), but we do still get questioned about their ages, oh the twin question.... imagine the look when I tell them my 6 year olds are 6 months apart but are in the same class at school...... I just smile and say some of us have superpowers I suppose. Our house is technically full, but my babies have half siblings out there that will come here if their parents ever screw up again. My other placement has cousins being adopted by my friend down the road.....

Gotcha. So, for multiple page replies, you should see something like At the bottom of the page.If you are not seeing this, can you give me an example. I'd be glad to confirm whether its just you, or whether some replies were lost

My wife and I foster and do not have bio kids. The truth of it (for us anyway) is you might regret it and it isn't the same as having a bio kid. Kids from traumatized backgrounds do not attach to parents the same way a child who has been loved from the start does. In my opinion (and I could very well be wrong), RAD, attachment disorders are way under diagnosed, possibly because people are afraid to foster or adopt kiddos with these diagnoses. I get frustrated when I read that one of the "perks" of adopting through foster care is that it is free or almost cost - free. Once you figure in the costs of treating attachment disorder (which is often misdiagnosed as things like ODD, ADHD, PTSD and various other alphabet soup), the costs of adopting through foster care are just as high, if not higher. Some kids are so traumatized, they may never attach to you. You will loose friends, possibly family, and strangers on the street will judge you and your kids harshly because they don't understand what is going on. All that being said, it is the best thing we ever decided to do. These kids do need a home and they need love desperately, even when they push you away with all their being. The rewards of seeing a child who came from such a troubled past, learn to love and trust adults is amazing. Go in with your eyes wide open though, do your research and believe the stories you hear and honestly ask yourself if you can parent a child who is not capable of giving back for a long time, if ever.

Thank you so much, Ruth74, MamaInKentucky, and Lovesnoopy for sharing your stories.It helps to hear everything -- even the not-so-pleasant reality that Lovesnoopy mentioned about attachment. I've been reading about attachment disorders for years (and worked with children who had RAD, just never parented one), so I'm familiar with it, but I don't know yet if it's something that I'd tough up and go through, or something I should avoid. I know fostering isn't the easy route, so I'm expecting issues, but if I had my own biological children, I could easily pass on four different mental health issues that run in my family (and at least 2 physical ailments.) So, I guess I need to decide which gamble I want to take.I keep getting reminded that I'm at the most ideal age to have biological children, and any later than my current age will increase the chance of problems with the pregnancy or baby, etc. So that's why this is especially on my mind lately. I originally said, "Nah, I just want to foster and adopt; it's what I've always wanted to do," which is true, but then the doubts started creeping in. I appreciate everyone's perspectives.

I was adopted by a single woman who never married and never had biological children. My wife and I also decided to adopt from foster care rather than have biological children. We have three siblings, girls 9 and 10, boy 7, who we hope to finalize with soon. I've never gotten any comments like those you describe, but I do sense a lot of suspicion that we're hiding infertility. And that's fine -- there's nothing at all shameful about infertility, so I don't particularly care what some people may think.To me, it's a really sensible way to create a family: We want a family, the kids want a family, so we create a family together. From personal experience as both an adopted child and now a (soon to be) adoptive parent, I'm quite confident that love is unconstrained by a lack of shared DNA.Good luck!

My husband and I never wanted a biological child. We always knew we would adopt of we ever decided to expand our family. My mother thought this was a consolation choice, insisting I'd get pregnant as soon as we adopted (which was a horrifying thought) and now adores M with all her heart. And M adores her. My doctor, when I told her we were adopting, asked immediately how long we'd "tried" before going "that" route. Like no one does this unless they can't have children of "their own." We were also warned by just about every neighbor to "get a baby" because the older kids were bad news. I can't say they were wrong. I can say M was/is worth it. It kills me one of her closest friends is the daughter of the couple who were most vocal in their opposition! It probably would feel different if I had given birth to her. I probably wouldn't second guess myself when things are rough. Adoption is a lot like a marriage. It takes effort to make it work, a constant renewal of your commitment to each other, and an intentional decision to put in the time to nurture your bond. Maybe that part would have been easier if I had given birth to her, but I don't regret adopting an older child!

Hi ❤️. I unfortunately am not able to actually ANSWER your questions, but I can fully relate to them and you. I have felt the exact way you have for many years. I am 35, recently married but have no children. And as much as I'd welcome that, my heart really thinks there is something to be done with fostering. If you'd like to keep in touch, or one day start a forum for people like us lol... I am here ❤️. knowitpoet85@gmail.com Warmly, Sarah

Love your story and do not worry about the stereotypes people place on you... BUT... I think in your story... You meant to say you have three children... Not siblings... ❤️. I'm only mentioning that bc I would want to know ❤️Warmly, Sarah

I foster/adopted as a single mom. I never had bio children. While it is true that some adopted kids don’t attach, the same can be said of biological children. The difference is you hear stories about foster kids (and RAD happens to adopted newborns, not just foster kids) and people think if they have bio kids, those bio kids will be perfect...and we know this isn’t true.

Hi, my husband and I have 3 biological angel babies. Our first son was born prematurely in 2006 and our twins were born in 2008. They all 3 passed away. After losing our twins we made the decision that we could not go through that again.We entertained the idea of fostering and adopting. We found out quickly that we could not afford to do a private adoption. We were very intimidated by the process of becoming foster parents. We talked about it but never fully committed. In 2018 my mom called us to ask if we would be willing to take placement of my cousin's baby. We agreed and started the process not knowing how our lives were going to change.We did foster parent training. Learned all about the ICPC and the process. We began our visits with the baby. After 9 months he was placed with us. Then the social work called to see if.we would take his baby brother that was going to be born that September. We agreed and started our process over again once he was born. TPR happened and we started the adoption process. Last May the social work called again to see if I knew my cousin was pregnant again. I did not but we agreed to take this baby as well. The process this time has been a little crazier due to Covid. We should have him placed with us soon.We have heard comments that people couldn't love a child the same that was not biologically theirs. We have people tell us we are doing a great thing for these babies.I fell in love with all three of my babies before I ever saw them for the first time.We love our boys and dont look at it as we arw doing some type of a service.Your family and friends may not understand. I say if you decide to forego having biological kids, there is nothing wrong with that.We have couple friends that are unable to have kids and they started fostering and gooing to adopt. They love the 3 they have now just as much as if they were biological. Kids are easy to love they just need someone to do it. You may get hurt in the process. People who decide to go through pregnancies get hurt also. Nothing is guarenteed. You have to make the decision thats best for you and not let others influence. Our family is very supportive. Once we get this baby adopted we will continue to foster for our county. There are a lot of kids who need a safe home and someone to care and love them.