Matched and getting ready for initial meeting/visit with child. Help!!!

Thanks! The child is a ten year old boy ߑI will definitely bring a small binder of pictures. I feel like a game or activity of some kind would be nice. I want it to be fun but I don't want something that will stop us from getting to know each other either.Drawing/coloring is the first thing that comes to mind but maybe there are some other ideas out there?The advice to keep it casual is MUCH appreciated. I'm already a nervous wreck wondering if he's going to like us and thinking about all the things that can go wrong. So, for once I'm going to try to play it cool ưߘ

10 year old boy, i think a small lego kit. something you can do interactively

So we had the first visit and we are gearing up for the second! The first visit went really well but there were definitely some things I wasn't prepared for. Here I was thinking that we would get there and have a chance to sit down with some of his workers and chat before seeing him. NOPE! We jumped straight into our visit with him. That wasn't a bad thing but that certainly was not how I pictured that going in my mind. There also wasn't really any sort of introduction to us. We had met him once at a match party but I thought they would make a point of introducing us to him. Again, it was fine especially since he remembered us it just caught me off guard a little.I thought the Lego suggestion was great but I decided to ask his worker for somethings he liked to do so I could try to tailor what we brought to his likes. So, we wound up bringing a few mini pumpkins with some paint because we were told he liked doing crafts and then we brought a board game they said he liked.As it turns out, he really really really loves arts and crafts. He kept asking what crafty stuff can we do and looking through our bag for more stuff to do. Of course we just had the one crafty thing and he blew through that in all of 5 minutes. He did give us a lot of suggestions for things to bring to do next time. Definitely not a shy kid :). This time, we are going to show up with a lot of different things as I think this visit will probably be longer than the initial one and that way, he won't get bored... Hopefully!Overall though the visit seemed to go well. He was asking when he would see us again and the workers observing the visit seemed to think there was a natural ease to our interactions which is good. We are so excited to be moving forward - he definitely seems like a good match for us.

Thanks for coming back and posting an update, how was the second visit and the rest of the process? I am new to this and basically going through as many posts as I can to answer the 100s of questions that I have. Your post was so informative.

Hi Lou Du! Our second visit and the rest of the process have been going really well! We are still doing visits waiting for our foster license to come through so we can move him home. We are hoping the licensing process will be complete within the next month.I actually think we have had it pretty easy compared to a lot of people from what I've read here. Thankfully he seems to be attaching to us pretty easily which was one of my biggest concerns going in given that he was 10 when we started visiting. Although we are now at the point where we are really starting to feel like a family which makes bringing him back after visits painful, I have actually found the visitation period to be a really good thing. It definitely took me a while to start to feel like I loved him like a mom loves her child. I still feel more like a sitter than mom but getting closer to mom!If you want to know any specifics, let me know! Wishing you all the best of luck in this process - it's a journey!!!

I would love to hear more about how everything is going.The process where you are is so different from NY.

Seems like there is so much variation in the process state to state. Things seem to alternate between happening slowly and then suddenly although mostly slowly if I'm honest. We now have our foster license and are having a family team meeting tomorrow to select a move in date which should hopefully be in the next few weeks. We are excited to get him home after over 4 months of visits. From there, he will need to live with us for 6 months before the adoption is finalized.

Hi, I was happy to read your post about adopting an older child...we started pursuing the idea of adopting a teenager in summer 2014--after all the classes, paperwork etc we were officially licensed in October, matched in Dec, and had our first visit with CJ on Jan 24. He is 16. Our bio kids are 25,20,16,and 14 (the 14yo insisted that he remain the youingest LOL.) I can't tell you how exciting this is for me, I am 43 and have wanted to adopt an older child from foster care since I was 18. My kids have been hearing about my plans for many years. I was terribly nervous at our first meeting--we met at a roller skating rink--but after just a cpl minutes of stilted/awkward conversation, CJ seemed to loosen right up and we talked for a long time, then skated :) I had brought him a tin of homemade cookies and he really seemed to like that (he lives in a group home and his counselor there was nice enough to let me know that his fave was oatmeal raisin--otherwise I would've made choc chip so that was good to know!) CJ has been in foster care for a very long time and was initially very ambivalent about meeting us, but after the visit he told his worker he thought we were really cool and he had an awesome time. Tonight we are picking him up at his group home and taking him out for dinner and to an indoor trampoline park--so this will be our second visit--and this time my boys ages 14 and 16 will be coming along and meeting him for the first time! So I'm anxious that they all get along but the more relaxed I am the better it will go, so..trying to relax :) We are hoping to start weekly visits from here on out, leading to overnights with eventually him moving in at the end of the school year. That's my hope anyways...there's been so much waiting involved in this whole process that I have learned you gotta go with the flow. Original poster--what made you pursue adopting an older child? Would love to hear more.

Cantwait2bamama--I just noticed your profile pic!! Too funny!! My pic is Sunny, our 8 yr old cream tiger (adopted from a shelter 4 yrs ago and the BEST cat I have ever had!)

Meld72What an exciting time for you! Would love to hear how things are going for you!This weekend is his big move home from the residential center where he's been living for the last two years. We are excited and nervous and everything in between. He's got some pretty big challenges but we think he will be OK.We got into this process initially intending to start our family. It is so weird being a first time mom to a tween but it has certainly forced me to change and grow in ways I never imagined possible. It is all still a work in progress but we are just taking very slow baby steps mostly in the right direction :)Wishing you lots of luck on your journey - if it's anything like ours it will be crazy!

Hi Cantwait--sorry I didn't reply sooner. I had trouble finding this thread again, and after that I forgot about it--so, we have had 7 visits total with CJ so far. We now have a plan in place to do visits every Saturday and last weekend he slept over for the first time. It was great. He fit right in with all of us (we have 4 bio kids altogether plus my BF's mom and everyone was home that weekend). He is really smart, and nice, and easy to be around, and despite all he has been through (8 years in care, most of which has been spent in multiple residential placements) and his initial hesitation and ambivalence about meeting us, he really seems willing and ready to give us a try and I think that must take so much courage. Honestly the week just drags and I can't wait until Saturday. There were a couple of moments over the last few visits where we had a palpable sense of getting closer to him--just small conversations or things he said, but that were meaningful--and we are looking forward to hopefully having him stay Fri-Sun starting in a few weeks. We don't want to rush him. Hoping to have him move in with us at the end of the school year. I cannot even imagine going through this process as a first time mom. I am in awe. In the adoption trainings they emphasized the "honeymoon" period and said that these kids will be on their best behavior for awhile, then to expect them to test you and your commitment to them...have you seen anything like that yet with your kiddo? So far things have been as good as I possibly could have hoped but I am preparing myself for some possible "testing" type behavior as CJ gets more comfortable with us...but I am 100% committed to seeing things through with him. I just cannot understand the mindset of people who take in these kids and then return them as if they are an unwanted puppy. CJ had a pre-adoptive placement when he was 11 that disrupted after he lived with the family for 2 months. That family was told that CJ was guarded, to give him a lot of space, and that he needed a slow transition after not having been in a family for a long time. Well apparently they took him to church the first Sunday they had him, stood him up in front of the congregation and announced him as their new adopted son. He could not handle their expectations of him. Shame on them :( Please let me know how things are going!

Meld72 -My heart is smiling reading your update! I am so happy to hear that things are progressing. It sounds like you've got the right mindset and CJ sounds like he's getting more and more comfortable which is fantastic. I think taking it slow was definitely one of the keys to a thus far smooth transition home.It's so true when you hear the path to hell is paved with good intentions. I think a lot of families get into this thinking they are saving some poor orphan who is going to start belting out the sun will come out... Tomorrow. That's awful what happened to CJ - a similar situation (although not that far in) happened with our kiddo and his brother.Our kiddo moved home this past weekend and started his new school on Monday and so far so good. He was so ready and excited to move home. There are still a lot of things to work out but overall things are so much better than I expected because quite frankly I expected a train wreck! As far as testing goes, we are still honeymooning for sure but we did have our first meltdown on Christmas. Between a lack of sleep for all of us, all the emotions and me forgetting his ADHD meds (whoops!) it was destined to happen. Otherwise though he is generally a very resilient, happy go lucky type kid. He does try to control everything but no real testing yet. We know it's going to come though because his DHS worker told us he always said he was going to stay at residential until he aged out and wouldn't ever get a family so I think he is still in shock. When that wears off, I'm sure we will see more but I think it was a huge relief for him to actually move home.So for now we will just enjoy the honeymoon :). Keep me updated on CJ and your family! Hope all continues to go well!

So, we had our second overnight with CJ this past weekend and I was endlessly ruminating over how/when to broach the subject of him living with us, we knew that he knew what the purpose behind these visits has been but we hadn't addressed it directly with him yet...well he brought it up himself on Saturday, he made a casual joking comment about living here so I said "we haven't really talked about that...what are your thoughts?" and he said he wants to move in at the end of this month!! WOW I was so surprised. I asked if he was sure, did he feel comfortable enough here, etc and he said yes. I told him we'd been thinking June but that it really depends on his comfort level and his wishes and if he's ready to move in sooner that we are all for that. I told him end of March might not be feasible but that maybe over April vaca would work, and I already spoke to his worker first thing this AM and she agrees. She is mobilizing his entire team for a discharge planning meeting for this week or next. CJ and I talked about this on and off over the rest of the weekend and I asked him twice more if he was sure this is what he wants, and he does. I can hardly believe it. He talks to his bio mom periodically and he said she supports us and she told him if she can't take care of him she wants him to be with people who can. I am telling you, this kid was loved somewhere along the way, he's kind and has a good heart and that has to come from somewhere...we are so excited!!

Meld72,How are things? Are you approaching a move in date for CJ? I hope things are continuing to go well for you and your family! We are hanging in there. It's been a little over a month since our kiddo moved home and we are learning more everyday. Even though he spent four full months visiting us, we still had no real idea how significant some of his needs were and how much it would take to meet those needs everyday of the week and not just on the weekends. We see some things getting worse and some getting better. I imagine that's how it will go for a while and that's OK. I just wish I had a crystal ball to know that one day he will be OK. I hope and pray he will and I guess at this point, that and a lot of love and support and hard work is all we can do.Can't wait to hear your update :)

Hi!! Things are really moving along for us. We've had lots of meetings with his residential treatment team, our school district, etc...move-in date is Apr 24. We are taking him and our other kids to Myrtle Beach for April vacation Apr 18-22, he will go back to his group home and spend that Sat night there Apr 23 to say goodbye, have his going away party etc, then the next day the 24th we will move him home. I can't wait. I miss him all week. For the past several weekends we've done Fri night-Mon AM and I've brought him to school. Yesterday I brought him to a visit with his BM/BGM, he has occasional visits with them and hadn't seen then since mid-Dec and he wanted me to meet them. They were very nice, friendly, super excited for him that he found a family...they are just really irresponsible and can barely take care of themselves much less him (BM has 6 kids and none of them are in her care.) The visit was supposed to be an hour and a half long and after about 35 minutes they were ready to leave :( I hear you, about your kid's needs...right now we only have weekends so it's still kind of a special occasion when he's here. I'm wondering how it will be when he's here full time and if it will become obvious that his needs are a bit more than what we are seeing now. I imagine that's quite possible. Does your son have any visits with bio family? One thing I intend to do is get CJ together with his birth sister, they were very close years ago before removal and his worker has been trying for at least a year to schedule a visit for them but could never make it happen due to scheduling conflicts. He really wants to see her. We are in the process of redoing 2 bedrooms, right now my son and CJ share a room but my son's moving to a new room so both rooms need a complete overhaul. CJ's room is deep red right now and he wants it sky-blue with clouds on the wall so I picked up the paint last weekend :)) He's so excited about it. My other son likes his new room too. Thankfully for us CJ loves school and wants to go, there's no issues with his attendance at all and we are keeping him at the same school so I think he's going to be fine. His move in date of Apr 24 ends up being 3 months to the day of our first in- person meeting with him (Jan 24.) We can't wait!! BTW I really need to get in the habit of giving CJ his ADD med in the AM I have forgotten several times b/c it just hasn't been part of our routine and I feel so bad!! He doesn't care, he wants to get off it actually (which is probably why he never reminds me about the pill)...I joked that they are going to revoke our license LOL. I was re-reading this thread and saw you forgot your kid's med on Xmas--there's so much stuff going on it's hard to remember if you aren't in the habit, right? Communicating on this message board can be a little cumbersome, if you want to chat in more detail u can email me at melissa.dem72@gmail.com. I would love to hear more about your situation. I am so glad for you.