Trying to figure it all out...

Making an adoption plan, once you have carried your child inside you for nine months, held him/her in your arms after birth, and tried to parent, is emotionally difficult. However, it's sometimes necessary, and people shouldn't fault you for doing so, because you are trying to act in the best interests of your child.Before you actually proceed with placing your child, however, I would suggest that you get some independent advice regarding your options. You can usually find someone to talk to, at low or no cost, at a social services agency (not an adoption agency.) They may be able to advise you on how to get some financial support for parenting, by getting a court order compelling the baby's father to pay child support, getting the child onto Medicaid and other sources of financial support, and so on, if you really want to continue parenting your child. They may also help you come to a decision, one way or the other, if you are a little unsure of whether adoption is the right way to proceed.If, after getting some advice, you want to go through with placing your child for adoption, contact a licensed, nonprofit adoption agency in your state. There will never be any charge to you. A social worker will help you to decide such things as whether you want an open or closed adoption, and what type of family you want for your child. As an example, if you want letters and pictures only, or want an adoptive family that shares your religion, or that has no other children, or that loves music, you can articulate those preferences. You will usually be shown profiles of prospective parents meeting your criteria and approved by the agency. You can choose a family for your child that way. In some cases, if both you and the prospective parents want an open adoption, you may meet the family. And since your child is already born, the prospective parents may get to have one or more visits with the child. You and the prospective parents can then agree to go ahead with making an adoption happen.You will be given information on how to formally relinquish your parental rights. You will also be asked questions about the baby's father, because he will need to be contacted to get him to relinquish his parental rights. As he has shown no interest in your child after you gave birth, and presumably paid no child support, he should be willing to relinquish, but in some cases, he or his family could articulate a desire to parent; that could complicate matters a bit. You need to understand that a birthfather or his biological relatives will often be given preference over an unrelated set of prospective parents, when it comes to adoption.If you and the baby's father are both prepared to relinquish, the baby can be transferred to the new family, either before or after the adoption is complete. Many agencies will work with you and the new family, to make sure that the transition goes smoothly, especially since your child is no longer a newborn. If it looks as if things will take quite a while, because the baby's father or a member of his family wants to parent your child, the agency can also transfer your child temporarily to a private foster family for care until the matter is resolved. This should relieve you and your parents of the financial and emotional burden of taking care of the child.Adoption is a legal process, and a judge will have to approve the relinquishment and adoption. In most cases, the adoptive family will pay the court costs. The judge will want to be sure that you are comfortable with your adoption plan, and were not coerced or bribed into making it. As a result, you should not take any money or substantial gifts from prospective parents, without consulting the agency, as the judge could rule that there was an intent to sell your baby, which is illegal. In some states, if you and the adoptive family want a semi-open or open adoption, you both will have to agree in writing to a schedule of visits, phone calls, and/or letters. However, most of the time, you will handle such an agreement through your agency or on your own. It's important for you and the adoptive family to be "on the same page" about such matters, so there are no ill feelings later. Try to think about your wishes, not just for the immediate future, but longer term. Sometimes, for example, a birthmother thinks she is just going to want to move on and forget about the whole thing, but later recognizes that she really would like to know how her birthchild is doing. After the adoption is finalized, some agencies will provide counseling to you, because they know that you will grieve the loss of your child, even if you know it was the right thing for you to do, and that your grief can make it hard for you to get on with your life. If your agency does not, it would be a good idea for you to obtain such counseling through a non-profit agency. Sharon

Such a great response Sharon!Sorry you are going through this. I think a vast majority of women choose adoption because they feel they can not do it financially, or on their own. I am sure you would benefit from sitting down with someone and weighing your options. Have you tried to reach out to the father asking his opinion on what you should do?Lacey

What neither Sharon or Lacey have told you, because they can't relate to it (one is an adoptive parent who has made her living from adoption and one is a hopeful adoptive parent) is what life means for many mothers of origin, post relinquishment. Your child is not an inanimate object to be "transferred" about without consequences that can scar him or her for life. Losing a mother is trauma. Losing an entire extended family is trauma. Taking away heritage, culture and severing the connective tissue of family has lifelong consequences. Financial hardships come and go, but relinquishing your place as a mother, that's forever. Relinquishing means your parents are no longer grandma and grandpa, your siblings are not Aunt and Uncle. Open adoptions close every day at the whim of the adoptive parent."Making an adoption plan" sounds so neat and tidy, doesn't it? But legally the term is "surrender". Think about what that term means...you are giving up the fight, surrendering to the pressures and wants and needs of others. What Lacey and Sharon can't tell you is that severing a relationship with your child is like tearing a hole in your soul. The injury caused may scab over for years at a time only to be torn off when you least expect it. Are your parents unwilling to help you while you get on your feet? What about other family members? Whether or not your child's father wants to be an active parent, legally he has to contribute financially. Have you asked the state for help? BTW, I know how hard it is to be a parent when you're flat broke and don't see a light at the end of the tunnel. But it passes! And kids want to be with their parents. My girls don't remember the years we were poor. When I say that I surrendered their brother to give him a "better life" they say "better than what, mom?" Never forget that adoptive families are not immune to the same exact struggles as families of origin. Relinquishing is not a guarantee of a "better life" only a "different life", a life most certainly without you. Feel free to PM me if you'd like assistance finding resources to assist you in your area. If I can't help, I know a great network of women who can.Hang in there.

You are so right... I can't relate to the feelings post adoption because I have never done it.However, going through this with my previous failed adoption I can tell you that not everyone has family to help. The expectant momma I journeyed with had no one... she was a foster child herself, and didn't have any contact with any of her family, she only had her abusive exhusband, and her 2 pre-teens. Luckily her child's father, stepped up with his family, and is helping her- which will enable her to parent the baby. I do not doubt "surrendering" as you say, your child is incredibly difficult. Not just when you do it, but for the rest of your life... I agree adoption needs some MAJOR reform. I do however think that in the right cases... it can be a partnership between the families. I guess this could be wishful thinking, but I will hold out hope.I am a 27 year old woman who can not have children. I have been trying for 7 years now with and with out doctors help. I was pregnant once... and lost that baby at 20 weeks after going in to preterm labor. I have to have another woman let me be a mom. I know calling babies gifts is not widely accepted in the adoption world, but I truly believe they are gifts- one that I can not go get myself. So while I understand your post above... I do feel like it makes me (as a hopeful adoptive mom) sound like a monster for wanting a child I did not bear... and can not bear. I am not trying to ruffle feathers, just trying to show the other side of this.

I didn't call you or anyone else a monster and I can't be responsible for what my words make you feel. My words are not for you nor are they about you. They were for a woman in crisis who asked for help. They were to show a very real though rarely talked about side of adoption. It ain't all unicorns and rainbows. But your posts remind me, OP, before you consider giving away your child to someone else, please read up about secondary infertility. You say you suffered several miscarriages before having a viable pregnancy...that pregnancy could be your last. Make sure you understand that before talking to an agency.Finally, OP, I meant what I said about being willing to assist you in finding resources to help you parent your child.