Advertisements
We are adopting a 9 year old girl who has been in care for 3 years. She has been in her current home for a while and we've been having visits for the past 6 months while the TPR was done. Because of her family history, the Team suggests that when we complete adoption we change her name, especially her first name. My husband and I are having some troubles coming up with names, and also we're not sure exactly how to do this. First, how would you guys handle the situation? Should we begin calling her by her "new name" right when she moves into our home? She'll start going to a new church, new school, and begin making new friends. My husband suggests that we wait and do a "baby dedication" at church after the adoption is finalized. We would present the church with her new name and make a big celebration out of it. I like this idea, but I think it would be difficult to make this happen how we imagine. Thoughts on that? Next, we're trying to choose names. We'd like to give her a little bit of a say in her name, but present her with a list of names we have chosen. Our CW says just pick a name like we do when we have a baby and give the name to her without letting her pick. Either way, we could use thoughts and ideas! Her name is Cadence now. We'd like to give her a name that in some way uses my mother-in-law who just passed away, Rose Mary A. I'd like to use variations of Rose, or words that mean rose OR variations of Mary (Marie). Our last name starts with A and has 3 syllables. (I've used "Smith" in my profile to keep the identity secure...) Here are some names we like: Juliet Rose Ainsley Rose Suri Marie (I read somewhere that Suri means Red Rose or Princess) Aubrey Rose And... I'm stumped. Ha! Thanks in advance for your suggestions!
Like
Share
I think the social worker is giving you horrible advice. sorry to be blunt, but I can't think of a better way to say it. When you change someone's name, you deny their identity, but you don't erase their history.kids in care have had things done to them time after time. They experienced whatever trauma got them in care to start, they have no say in where and with whom they live, in their bparents' rights being terminated, or often in their adoption. If you change a child's name upon adoption without their consent, you become another person who will do things to that child, rather than with them. It's not the best way to start a relationship or build trust. A nine year old is not a baby, and needs to have some say in her life.I would suggest talking with her about it. If she has a therapist, involve the therapist in helping you talk together. If there are safety issues about her being easily identifiable by first name only, maybe consider talking to her about that in an age appropriate way and suggest making her first name into a middle name. If she wants to change her name, you could come up with a list of possible names together, with everyone getting to make suggestions. You can veto any names that are totally unacceptable to you (just make sure you're not vetoing all her ideas), then leave the final choice to her. When you suggest names, you can tell her why you like a particular name (family name, etc). Please think about giving her as many options as you can, and finding a way to really be okay with whatever she chooses.
Advertisements
I agree at 9 she should have a lot of say over her new name. I would probably talk to her about it and decide together. It will probably not be possible for her to be called by her new name at school until the adoption goes through so you may want to keep that in mind as some teachers can be a real PITA over it. Although I do think it would be an easier transition for everyone if she has the name from the beginning because otherwise it will take a long while for people who knew her as Cadence to remember to call her Rose...
I too have a 9 year old girl and her sibling group. We changed all their names and it has been wonderful. My 9 year old wanted the name Madeline after the book and Grace after Amazing Grace. We picked her first name Elizabeth. We started while in foster care calling her the new name, we had the school call her the new name and only used the new name. We gave the new name to health care as a nick name and the school. It was not a problem in changing the names. It worked toward giving them an identity of self without abuse attached to the name. It is a cleansing and helps with bonding and identity.
I probably should have shared that our child does have a say in her name change, and she actually brought it up to her case worker many times. The therapist has talked with her and she's very excited. We talked to her about using part of her current name (Maybe moving her first name to her middle) but she wanted no part of her old name. As a child who is a Christian, she feels that God is giving her a new life, and with that comes a new name just like in the Bible. We told her that we would give her several options, and she could help us pick.Also, I was adopted from foster care as a pre-teen and my name was changed as well. I'm so thankful that my parents did this for me because it solidified that I was chosen to be their child just as much (if not more) than if I was their bio child. It was nice for me to feel like I was getting a fresh start, a clean slate, and a whole new family who cared enough to scour books of "baby names" and chose one for me. :) One of my best memories is sitting on the couch with my mom and looking at names together.So my original question was less about HOW to change her name or WHY to change it, because with the therapist and caseworker, that's all been dealt with. We were just looking for some meaningful names to add to our list to mull over with our family. Since this last post the list is now:Juliet Rose Ainsley Rose Suri Marie (I read somewhere that Suri means Red Rose or Princess) Aubrey Rose Isabella Marie (Or Rosemary)Arabella Suri
Advertisements