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What do you do when you have loved a baby from birth and 15 months later all I can think about is how easy three children were before she came along? All I think about is if she wasn't here life would be calmer, smoother and happier :( I have never been in this position. we have been fostering for 8 years and have our fair share of difficult toddlers, sleepless babies, drug addicted infants and special needs kiddos. Our baby can be the sweetest most cuddly and happiest of babies but when she mad or frustrated her behavior is just uncontrollable. There are days where nothing makes her content or happy, days Im ready to call it quits and I tell myself she should be an only child right now or there are so many others who would love to adopt her and be a better mommy then I. I am missing so much of my other three kids lives because taking her anywhere is impossible as she hates the car and hates any of the strollers we have. Her temper and her screaming is just too disturbing and deafening. Life is so incredibly hard right now.
I love this angel though, her three siblings here love her and my husband would never even think of changing our minds to adopt her.
Just like if she was born to us, I would not even think about not "keeping" her! thats almost laughable. Noone has perfect children and that is also how I feel about her, she is ours forever but then in the darkness of my head and heart I know there is an option to call the case worker and tell her we can not adopt. Unlike giving birth to your child and keeping what you get, foster parents have an out, even if it seems scold and heartless.
I don't know what to do, I am mourning still after 15 months the family we once were and trying to find a way to move one with this baby that I can't understand or make her happy. I am so depressed and miserable by the end of the day, I just don't know where to go from here. Its pretty lonely.
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Are you using respite? It seems like at the minimum you need a break. Sometimes you just need to be able to take a break. I know a lot of people don't want to use respite out of fear of how the child will do but honestly weekend respite is much better for the child than disruption or a parent who is just too drained to do it
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I'm so sorry you're going through this. I definitely second the respite idea. Or getting a babysitter for her and doing something with the other kids on a somewhat regular basis.Has she been assessed by early intervention? My first question from your description is whether she may have sensory issues of some sort that could be contributing. If she doesn't have services in place, I'd make that a priority. Sometimes that can make all the difference, even with one so young.I remember feeling that way sometimes with my ffd. She wasn't as difficult as yours sounds, but she had a terrible temper and was quite a bully. I Had days when I just wanted her to go away. Then she did, and it's really hard now to remember those moments, because I still miss my girl, my son still misses his sister, and I don't know that I'll ever get over being her mamma. I know that doesn't help in the moment, and I know you already know it, but sometimes we get so focused on the guilty feeling you mentioned about having a choice, and we forget about when we don't have that choice. Or I do, anyway. Good luck. I hope it gets better. At the very least, it always gets different.
1. Make sure that your child has a head to toe examination by a physician experienced with adopted children. There could be a physical problem contributing to your child's fussiness -- anything from a food sensitivity or digestive issue to a brain tumor. If your child has Medicaid, understand that you may have to go to a pediatrician who does not accept it, and may have to pay privately.2. Before going to the doctor, observe your child's behavior closely for a few days. Write down when the fussiness or tantrums occur -- for example, within an hour after eating, when there is a loud noise, soon after she drinks milk, when you stroke her arm with a light touch, when you firmly (but not too firmly) hold her arm, when she wants something that is out of reach, when she first awakens from sleep or nap, etc. This may help the doctor determine possible causes of the problem.3. Also let the doctor know any information of which you may be aware, related to the birthmother's pregnancy and delivery. As an example, did the birthmother use alcohol during her pregnancy? (Alcohol exposure is even more harmful to babies than some drugs.) Was there any evidence that the baby was shaken or harmed soon after birth? Was the baby premature or of a low birth welght? Do the birthmother and, if known, the birthfather, have any medical conditions such as allergies, mental illness or mental retardation?4. If no physical issues appear to exist, consult a behavioral health professional experienced with adopted children.You may actually want to consult two people. A regular psychologist or psychiatrist will often reject sensory integration disorder as a diagnosis, but will be able to guide you if the diagnosis relates to classic neurological or psychiatric disorders. But some families have been helped by professionals who believe in sensory integration disorders and test for them.5. As previous posters have suggested, Early Intervention may help, but some of the EI people may not be the best in their field, so you may have to go beyond them. And respite care is a marvelous idea.Sharon