how to steer friends without showing judgement

I'm sorry that I missed this post. I know that the birthday party in question is long past, but I want to give my opinion, because this sort of thing happens to other families, as well.First off, you are the parent. It is your right, as well as your obligation, to say no to your minor child's request to do something, based on a belief that it is not a healthy, safe, or age-appropriate activity for her. Technically, you don't have to give your child a reason. There are times when you just have to say, "Trust me. You may not like my decision, but as your Mom, I have given it serious thought and do not believe that this is a good activity for you, so I'm going to say no." You can tell her that there will be lots of other parties that you will allow her to attend, but not this one.If you wish, you can simply say that it's a school night, or that it's too much for her to go to both that party and the sleepover party in one week. You can also say that you have other plans. But your daughter seems like a very bright child, and these explanations may ring hollow.If you want to give a true and grownup answer, you should NOT refer to her experience with her birth family. You can simply tell her that you are saying no, because you don't think it's a safe activity. You can remind her that the child who lives there has bullied her friends, and that she probably doesn't regard that child as a nice person because of it. You can say that some of your daughter's friends' parents may not let them go, either, because they won't want them to be around a child who threatens or hurts other people.You can mention, if you wish, that people in that house have had trouble with the police, and that you don't feel comfortable sending her to a party in a place where there are people who make bad decisions that lead to them to be arrested. You can also mention that you have heard that some people in the house are involved with selling drugs, and while you aren't completely sure if this is true, you want to be absolutely certain that she won't be around people who use or sell them, because they make bad decisions and aren't safe to be around. The only drawback to this approach is that children repeat things they have heard, and often elaborate upon them. You do not want your daughter spreading gossip, so you will need to decide whether she is mature enough to hear such comments without repeating them at school. Now, there is an alternative. You can let her go to the party, but remain at the party with her. I don't advise it, but you could use it as an opportunity to get a better read on who is living at that address and what is going on there. After all, not all rumors are true. And some families that lack money or have a lifestyle different from your own may actually be decent parents, though it certainly does not seem like it from what you have said. All in all, you have a "Mom sense" that your daughter should not be at that particular party, or should be very closely supervised if she goes. Listen to that Mom sense, as it is one of your most valuable assets. If your child is disappointed in your decision, so be it. She needs to know, early on, that parents exist to help keep their children safe and to help them, in turn, make good decisions.Sharon

By the way, if you know for sure that certain other children have been invited, it's often a good idea to check with their parents to see whether or not they are allowing their kids to attend, and why or why not. Especially if you know them well and like them, you can tell them of your concerns and see what they have to say. This could help you make your decision, though you should never rely solely on what other people say or do; ultimately, you and your spouse are the only ones in charge of keeping your child safe.Sharon

thanks for your feedback.I'm afraid you missed my question. but that could be how it was written. i assumed people have following my 6 years in the foster/adoption care world (with 3800+ posts, there's a lot to read .. i try not to repeat background unless necessary)yes, i know my job as a parent.. I'm actually pretty darned good at it, if i do say so myselfI didn't need advice on saying "no"I was looking for people with experience with kids who were adopted older from foster careHow to balance their need to be around the sorts people they were raised around.. vs keeping the kiddos safeIf you listen to adult adoptees, one of their complaints is - adoptive parents dismissing who the adoptee WAS and trying to mold them into who they should be. As adoptive parents we (too often) reject much of the adoptee's identityWhile we do it with good intent (after all, if the old world was perfect, they'd still be living it), if we do so carelessly, we risk harming the adoptee's self esteemIts the balance - understanding how we can respect their roots without judgement vs keeping them safeEither way, this is a month old post.J and her friend went together - chaperoned by a mom i trust. They were the only 2 kids who showed up for the party. it turned out to be an excellent opportunity to discuss several related decisions with my DD (bullying, self esteem, being a good friend, older siblings, etc)