My husband is against adopting

January 20, 2016

Hi there! I’m new here. So please be gentle and tolerant to me in case I confuse something or post in a wrong thread. An advice needed. To make a long story short, my husband and I have been running through a problem of infertility for more than 7 years. Shall I tell how unbearable and devastating it was? Years of trying, dozens of specialists, ivfs and miscarriages. I’m sick and tired of it. However, we’re not going to give up. We still want to be blessed to have a child. Since we cant have a biological one, we are figuring out adoption. Ok, not actually we, but me. Unfortunately, just me. My husband is very hesitant on this issue. We used to talk a lot, with lots of arguments, pros and cons. But now he doesn’t even want to talk about it. What can I do to make him yield? Anyone in my situation before? Would be grateful for an advice or a clue…

Thanks in advance:)

Lunalily

January 20, 2016

I'm so sorry you are your husband aren't on the same page Helga. I'm single so I haven't been through this, but one of my best friends is in a similar place. She would like to foster or adopt a child, but her husband is against it. They haven't come to an agreement about it :(

I think you would want to wait until he is also in favor of adoption. Your future child deserves a father who wants him or her and will love him or her.

My only advice(as a single person so probably not worth much) would be to be careful how you talk about it. Maybe instead of discussing adoption, you can volunteer as a couple with children. Like , with big brothers big sisters or the boys and girls club or reading books at the library or something similar.

Also, as smarty said, counseling would help you and your hubby communicate about this issue. Hopefully it'll all work out for ya'll :)

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January 22, 2016

Hi, girls. Thanks for being supportive and for your advice. It’s so great to have a chance to share my ideas, and fears, and unconsciousness with someone.

I totally agree that we can’t apply for adopting or fostering before we both come to a mutual decision that we want it. I can’t force him, it would be unfair mainly to our future kid. He or she deserves to be loved both by mommy and daddy.

Visiting counselor – well, this is a good idea. Perhaps, we’ll try it a bit later. By now, we decided that we just have to take a time out: a week, a month, a decade, or maybe a year. I’m sick and tired of nervous discussions and arguments. I am sure my hubby will sooner or later come to the idea that adoption is just for us. It just takes time.

Thanks for being here for me and for your support.

I’ll keep you updated if the situation changes.

Best regard!

Sharon Kaufman

January 22, 2016

Join a group for prospective adoptive parents and people who have already adopted. Go to gatherings where people who are already home with their kids can socialize with people who are in process or thinking about adoption, and meet the families and children. Your husband may need to see that adoptive families are just like everyone else, and that you won't be unusual for adopting. He may come to find that the kids are so cute that he wants to adopt. He may find, if he talks about his concerns -- for example, the costs, the medical risks, and so on -- that he'll find other people who have been there/done that, and that can give him some good advice.

Also, if your husband is still grieving over the infertility diagnosis and the fact that he won't have a child with his genes, go to some RESOLVE meetings with him. RESOLVE is a support group that helps people move on after a diagnosis of infertility, but doesn't push them in one direction or another. Some people "try one more time", some move on to adoption, some decide to remain child-free, some choose surrogacy, some choose foster parenting, and so on. You may well find an option that you both can live with.

Sharon