Parents at Odds

Hello forum members. This is my first post, and I'm hoping I can get some guidance. Our adoption has several times come close to destroying our marriage. Previously, I assumed that our parenting would mesh similarly, but this generally hasn't happened. My spouse and I are at odds due to the lies, manipulation, and deceit of our teenage adopted daughter. We just had our one year anniversary, and she's 18. Clearly an older adoption. We were neither looking for or prepared for a teenager, but that's how it happened. My husband bonded with her, and for the multitude of lies and a complete inability to trust her, I never have. This is due in part to my husbands near total inability to see the lies and manipulation happening under his feet. The few times he has accepted that there is a serious problem have been when it us 100% undeniable, caught red handed, so to speak. Aside that, he can't seem to understand why I am untrusting. I consider it a smart position due to experience and ongoing behavior, and because of my diligence, I've saved her AND us from several very serious situations, involving the gamut from sex to drugs and everything inbetween. Yet, I am endlessly questioned, told I am overreacting, told I am not seeing things "in context," etc. I am treated like a secondary parent at this point. If she wants to do something, if she wants money, if she wants the car, if she has a whim or desire, she goes to him and they make decisions without so much as a phone call to me. Multiple times I have caught her out in lies and manipulations after the fact, reminding my husband that my involvement would have saved us from yet more drama, only to be told "these things happen." These things do happen, but not nearly with the regularity they have this past year, and they *wouldn't* happen nearly so often if I was regularly involved. If instead of an instant "yes," he could say "lets ask your mom." But only recently has he realized he needs to do this, after much anger on my part. Let me give you an example. Up until approximately 3 months ago, our teenage daughter would routinely wake us up every night, sometimes multiple times. Sleep deprivation became a serious problem for me, and whether he admitted it or not (he never did) it was impacting my husbands behavior as well. I literally BEGGED him to stop her, since she primarily wanted to wake him up (waking us both up in the process). She did this for any and all reasons. Strange noises in the house. She had a dream. There's a ghost in the house. The vast majority of reasons were veiled lies to mask boredom. She wasn't sleeping as early as we were, she would become bored, and would wake us to entertain her. The reasons got rather ridiculous, and she admitted this much after I cornered her on the subject. Yet the behavior ramped up for 10 months. 10 MONTHS of sleep deprivation for her boredom. And my husband never once even asked (much less told) her to stop. He felt it would be "unsupportive," whereas I felt it was perfectly normal boundary-making to stop her interrupting other peoples sleep. (She would also routinely call people incredibly late without a thought to the time or waking them.) The only reason it stopped was that I finally lost my patience. At 12:30 at night, in my own bedroom, over my husbands sleeping body, she stood like a vulture yet again. I told her to go back to bed, and what does she do? She gives me a look that translates to "F**k you," and tells me "no." I repeated it as an order, and had to repeat it ELEVEN times, during which I tell her the late night interruptions were going to end. Husband is finally awake and mumbling about wanting to sleep (ironically). She finally gives in and stomps out of the room. Strange enough, when I put my foot down the behavior very nearly ended. The multi-every-night interruption has happened less than 4 times in the past 3 months, and for *good* reasons, such as illness, specifically because I stopped tolerating a negative behavior. Yet the husband still insists I was wrong, that it was unsupportive. Yet here we are, enjoying being relatively well rested again thanks to me. It doesn't matter. I'm wrong, I'm a bad mom, and I should have left it to him. As if I am a secondary parent who doesn't matter. This is just one situation, one of the less serious ones. Yet it leaves a mark. I don't think I'm wrong to set boundaries, to want to sleep, or to stop her repeatedly bothering people in the middle of the evening/morning. But to my husband I'm unreasonable for it, as he enjoys making unilateral decisions that I must enforce because "he's given his word." I actually tested him recently. I don't do "tests," but I resorted to one. I made a unilateral parenting decision without informing him, telling him about it after-the-fact. It was nothing unreasonable or out of the ordinary, nothing my spouse wouldn't have decided on his own. Yet, when my decision came out with good results (after dragging her toes for months, within a day of informing her of a soon-to- happen consequence, simply being that her phone would be shut off for a lack of payment, she actually found a job!!!)... but he wasn't happy. That was the result he wanted and had been asking for, but he was ANGRY, because, as he said, he thought I was trying to make him look like a fool. Which in my mind is amazing in a terrible way, because it exposes that he is behaving as if he is a single parent, or at the very least The Important Parent in the relationship. I think I may be in an oppressive relationship (emotionally), and I don't know what to do... except to keep fighting. I've been fighting for what I think and feel lately, because I can't be a secondary parent. I can't let my husband be "in control" of everything to our daughters detriment. I've been more assertive and have been making progress with my daughter. I call her firmly out on her lies, firmly but not with anger, and when she's caught she owns up to them. Then we talk about why she's lying, why she thinks she needs to lie about things that are actually innocuous, etc. We're able to break down the parts that led to the lies, and I feel she's learning. But my marriage may well be eroding before my eyes because I refuse to sit back and accept that sort of disrespect or inequality. I don't even know that anyone can help me. But it doesn't seem that I can talk to anyone about this. Everyone I speak to, adoption is a "magical experience." I've seen no magic. Just a bunch of terrible things one after the other.