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I know it seems antiquated to be a hopeful adoptive parent and be afraid of an open adoption. But I don't think I'm the only one out there who has that fear. Perhaps it's out of ignorance, or perhaps its because of some of the highly visible news stories where children are taken from the adoptive family to be placed back with biological relatives - often people they don't know. Sure, those don't happen often, but it's kind of like the fear of flying. The fear is real. Are there birth parents out there who are equally afraid of open adoption? Some who want to put the experience behind them, knowing they've chosen what they feel is best for their child, but wanting to move on to a new life? I'm just learning that all emotions are just emotions - not good or bad. It's society who shames us because of our feelings. How we act on our feelings is what matters. So I hope no one will start bashing these very real fears. I'd just like to know if there are birth parents with the same sorts of fears.
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I recognize I am not a birth parent...SO, feel free to disregard my response!I will say that I don't think it is an antiquated fear :) I hear more and more how that is one of the main fears. Even with some of my friends who have watched our story unfold. We started in that space, fearful of open adoption and fully convinced closed was what we wanted. But then we met our son and his birth mom and our heart changed more than we knew it could. I hope to see her..what started as a semi-open adoption with contact only through the agency is now a texting and face-timing relationship with the hope of seeing her again soon!
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I am also not a birth parent, but I will say that the birth moms I've talked to have said that they harbored their own fears about open adoption. Some of the biggest I've heard are (1) That it would be too hard to watch their child being raised by someone else, (2) That having the placed child as an active part of their life would be too painful (ie, every goodbye would re-open the wounds of placing) (3) That the adoptive parents wouldn't like/approve of them and would close the adoption, leaving the birth mom bereft and the child feeling abandoned.
Personally, as a birth mother, I couldn't handle not having a wide open adoption. However, I have several friends who are birth mothers who feel very differently. There is one in particular who's circumstances were very scary at the time she became pregnant, so placing and moving on without having the reminder of that traumatic event was better for her. Another finds it too hard to watch her child call someone else mama. Everyone is different and has different needs, and that's okay!