Annaleece Merrill

Hi Amber, Know that you are not alone. I have walked in your shoes. I placed my baby girl in October of 2015, and it was the hardest thing I have ever done. Your grief is natural and normal. So is the regret. It's okay to feel the way that you feel. I felt the exact same way for awhile. But please know that it really does get better. It's been two years since I placed, and I can honestly tell you that I'm really happy. The grief never disappears, but it changes. It comes in stages, and lately I've been finding myself in longer and longer stages of acceptance and peace. I do miss her. But she's thriving and happy, and the what-it's don't matter so much anymore because I know she's alright where she's at. There have been times where I've missed her so much and felt like a stranger to her, but there have also been times where I've felt closer to her than anyone. Earlier this week I was visiting her and she was so worried about my chapped lips, so she kissed them all better. Those moments make all the grief and regret and fear worth it. Will the adoptive parents ever really understand your loss? Probably not. No matter how great they are, they haven't walked your path. But you learn to manage that. I love my birth daughter's adoptive parents, and we're good friends now. It hasn't always been easy, but it's been getting better and better. If you feel like you need a visit, you can ask. It doesn't matter what the agency says, they don't own you. I visited my birth daughter earlier than a month and it helped me a lot. But if you don't think it will, or the pictures are too hard, that's okay too. Don't be afraid to ask for what you need. If you ever need someone to talk to, or if you're interested in facebook groups or other online support groups, I am more than happy to connect with you. I would also recommend reaching out to your agency and finding out whether they offer post placement therapy. My heart is with you, I ache for you because I understand your loss. You don't have to do this alone.