ADDING SIBLING GROUPS TO A FAMILY WITH BIOLOGICAL CHILDREN

I am also very curious about this and would love to hear from people!

Hi, there.We received our placement of two sisters ages 5 and 8 a little over a month ago, and have two biological boys ages 8 and 11. I remember scouring the web for literature on this very subject months ago and coming up empty handed! It really is a hole in the foster/adopt training and information that needs to be filled...Anyway, of course it depends greatly on all of the children's ages and development, as well as history for all involved, but here is what I can contribute at this point:1. Be very thoughtful when deciding what level of need, what age, and what history would be acceptable when looking at placements. For example, we knew that adopting boys would not work with our family dynamic because I wanted to preserve the brother relationship our 2 boys had already. We also knew that a history of sexual acting out would not be ok in our family because our boys could be exposed to unacceptable behaviors. We had a much longer list, of course, but my point is, from the get go don't overlook your gut when you are asking yourself what your family can and can't handle.2. Begin a gentle education with your kids at home about foster care, compassion, and the types of behaviors they might see from kids who come from hard places. Be careful about talking about grown up problems like drugs, prison, abuse, etc, because you don't want them to make assumptions about the incoming children, as you will be keeping those parts of their history private. Talk out their concerns, and come up with plans and strategies ahead of time to help them get what they need. We installed locks on our boys bedroom doors simply for their peace of mind that their rooms could be a space all their own. We set up playdates for them at friends houses for the first few weeks so that they didn't feel like they had been cut off from their social lives. We involved them in setting up the bedroom, writing cards, and role playing different scenarios. They were as prepared as possible, but even so, you can't truly prepare for what you can't predict, so stress that flexibility will be the name of the game. 3. Our honeymoon period was over at 3 weeks like clockwork! Everybody, adults included, fell apart one at a time over the weekend. It took this crash to realize that we had to change the way we were meeting the girl's needs. We had been trained to meet their every need, as if they were infants, to heal and establish a bond. So we were carrying them frequently, dressing them, jumping up for their every request, and it was simply not sustainable in a family of six. We had to scale way back and have them walk on their own, dress themselves, and generally get their needs met in a more age- appropriate way. It was and still is very hard, because I feel like currently they are hearing "no" far more often than "yes", but for my boys to feel like their parents haven't completely disappeared, I cannot give the girls 100% of myself 100% of the time. 4. There is so much more, but I would have to write a book, and I'm afraid I'm needed right now so I'll have to leave it at that for now... good luck!

Haha, and of course I just realized that I didn't really answer your question...That's the good news, actually! They all get along pretty darn well, and are currently all playing a game they invented in the playroom. They acted like new friends for about 3 weeks, then started acting like siblings, fighting included, ever since. But they are already starting to get to that point where they couldn't imagine things any other way...

Hi Kathryn, my situation seems to mirror yours closely. We have an almost 6 year old biological son in our home and were just proposed a sibling set of 3. a 9.5 year old girl, an almost 6 year old boy and a just turned 4 year old girl. So we would be disrupting the birth order, as well as dealing with artificial twinning of our biological son, as the two boys would be only 2 weeks apart. I've found very little subject matter and am hoping to hear more of your experience. What questions to ask other than the obvious ones.I have asked about their previous homes, their attachment, their bio families. I have realized I actually need to sell my car to opt for third row seating, as I don't have enough seats for a family of 6. I am curious to know how going from 1-4 would be at home on the crazy scale!!Any tips or advise or knowledge you have to share on the subject would be GREATLY appreciated!!I'm also interested to know what Danalee's decision was and how it turned out!