Do you have to be a 'kid person'?

Parenting is about meeting the needs of a child. If you have kids and think you love them, but are not open to caring about their friends and having them around a lot, or going to all of their activities and enjoying (or at least tolerating) everything from birthday parties to soccer matches to sleepovers, for their sake, you are not meeting their needs. If you are worried about being annoyed by kids, rather than worrying about whether you can handle their problems, you are not going to be able to meet their needs, regardless of what their legal status is. This is true whether your children are bio, foster, or adopted, or just the kids down the street whom your kids like. So, yes, I think that you DO have to be a kid person to adopt. No, you don't have to tolerate gross misbehavior or rudeness; even with someone else's children, it's OK to say, "No, you can't eat from the sugar bowl or lick the top of the grated cheese dispenser" And it's fine to say, "We sleep late on weekends, so don't ring our doorbell at 6 a.m. unless it's an emergency." And, yes, it's OK to feel annoyed about a specific thing, once in a while -- the kid who sulks because you don't let him/her text at the dinner table, or who plays loud music, knowing that you have the flu and a high fever. And indeed, it's perfectly reasonable to be ripping mad when your teen comes home way after curfew, without having called with a good excuse; after all, you were just about ready to call the police and were scared that he/she might have been in an accident. But if you find yourself annoyed a lot when kids are just being kids, no, you probably shouldn't adopt or foster.Remember that foster and adopted kids often come with difficult histories. These are not the kids down the street, who annoy you simply because they occasionally forget to say thank you, or put their shoes on the furniture. These are children who may have had abusive or alcoholic parents, who may have been in a succession of foster homes, who may never have been encouraged to do well in school, who may have stolen food to survive, and who may have frequent nightmares and bedwetting episodes related to their emotional distress. These are kids who may run away, swear at you, or hoard food under the bed till it grows rotten and stinky. They may not be very lovable, at least at first, but the process of building attachment means that you sometimes have to "fake it till you make it". Yes, you may feel like a babysitter at times, but you always have to act like a Mom, no matter whether the kids are bio, adopted, or foster.Sharon

This is good food for thought. I always appreciate your perspective and wisdom, Sharon. Re-reading my original post, I can see that I came across as a little flippant . . . I should clarify.First, let me say that my biological children have offered up their share of challenges and challenging behaviors, and yes, I have felt deep frustration and fear that I'm doing it all wrong, and I have certainly made my share of mistakes, but ultimately my love for them runs much deeper than any frustrations or fears or mistakes, and I keep on getting up in the morning and trying to do it all again - hopefully a little better this time. (I have one child, in particular, who came to this world with a little bit MORE. To draw on Mary Sheedy Kurcinka's definition of a spirited child, he's "more intense, sensitive, perceptive, persistent, and energetic." I have learned that a child with that level of spirit requires just as much sensitivity, perceptiveness, persistence, and energy from a parent.) And I certainly don't mind having their friends over to play and I think it's fun to observe kids at their school activities and soccer games and such. As I reflect more on what I meant by "not liking kids," I guess I would say I struggle to connect with children that I don't know very well. And I feel very panicky when called on to manage their behaviors. I feel like I connect with MY kids because I know all about them - where they're at developmentally, what their capacity is for understanding language, what their habits are, the sorts of activities they enjoy, the types of things they're interested in, etc. Because I know these things about them, I know what to expect from them and can both connect with them and manage their behaviorsFor example, I volunteered in my son's cub scout group as a leader for around a year, and while I enjoyed getting to know the boys, it was difficult for me to manage their behaviors, ie, get them to stay on task and be respectful and cooperative. Some people seem to have a knack for that kind of thing, and it's really just not one of my strengths. That's what i struggle with when babysitting, too - not having the in-depth understanding of a child's personality, capabilities, and background that would allow me to interact with them effectively. I just don't know what to expect from them. In situations like that, I feel like I've been thrown in the deep end of the swimming pool - and I don't know how to swim. That's the feeling I'm describing when I say "I don't like kids." So I guess that's where I'm concerned. I'm keenly aware that a child who is in foster care and/or whose biological parents' rights have been revoked has experienced extreme trauma and instability that will affect their physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being in profound ways. I know that the awful things they've experienced have a very real effect on their brain chemistry and that the trauma that these kiddos have gone through is something that can be manifest through difficult behaviors. ("The children who need the most love will ask for it in the most unloving ways.") I do know that I'm capable of loving a child through some pretty unlovable behaviors, but I don't know if I'm capable of that kind of love for a child I don't know as intimately as I know my children.So I guess I'd say that I'm concerned that a new, unfamiliar child who may have exceptionally challenging behaviors, plus my lack of awesomeness at connecting with kids I don't know well, could combine to create an unhealthy emotional environment for everyone involved, particularly for the child. I really don't want to further traumatize an already traumatized child. So maybe fostering/foster adoption is something best left to the people who are naturally good at connecting with kids?

You could try it on an emergency placement basis and see what you think. For me, the connection was not immediate but it did happen within a couple of weeks. I don't have bio children, but I can't imagine feeling a deeper bond.

It takes a lot more work to connect with kids who already come with their own experiences, personalities, opinions, etc than to connect with an infant. Part of it would depend on what age you are considering fostering. It sounds like older children would be much more of a struggle for you, since they are often harder to connect with anyway. Imagine one of your kids' friends coming to stay for a long weekend and not knowing anything about their likes, dislikes, needs, etc. What would that be like? What age do you think would be easiest for you to connect? I know a lot of people who only take newborns, which typically means drug affected babies. I'm not nearly so much a fan of newborns, though I've had them; my favorite is the 9-18 month range. I know people who connect best with teens. One of the biggest challenges I have had recently, and a lot of the reason I'm not renewing my license, is my mama bear side. My son has been negatively affected by our last two placements; I think I was much less tolerant of challenges in my most recent placement due to the problems in the previous one. That's always something to consider when you have kids at home as well. The good (depending on how you look at it) news is that there is generally need for foster parents for all ages. If you have trouble managing behaviors in kids you don't know, you might do best with babies, since you would be able to get to know them before that became an issue. It's also okay to not want to foster or adopt. The people I've known who have gone into fostering because "we really should" because they have space in their home and there is a huge need have typically not been successful and have not enjoyed it. Doing anything for kids out of a sense of obligation is usually not going to work; you have to actively enjoy it. Instead of focusing on whether you can handle fostering, ask yourself whether you would enjoy having another child in your family, on possibly a long term but also possibly short term basis. If that sounds miserable, don't foster. There are lots of other ways you can help kids in foster care, including mentoring, providing supports for foster families, donations, fundraising or volunteering to make special events happen, etc.

Ruth74, Thank you so much for your response! Lots of good thoughts.

Responding quite late, but I think every Family needs the balance of someone who would at least offer guidance, wisdom and positive discipline??