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While I understand feeling insecure and worrying about being cut out of the child's life, you are totally right in that some boundaries need to be set. While it's certainly importany to be accomodating of birth family, it is not healthy for you to be at their beck and call. One thing that helps me is to view the relationship between birth and adoptive family as no different than any other extended family relationship- if your aunt called so many times like that and got upset with you for being at an appointment it wouldn't be okay, and this isn't either. It sounds like there needs to be a sit down discussion about clear contact boundaries. It's okay to say "I love you, and I don't ever plan to cut you out. But I can't always answer the phone right away. I promise to always get back to you within a few days."
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I've been reading a book about how thoughts create moods (It's called Feeling Good by David Burns - I totally recommend it!) so I'm totally looking at this situation from that angle, so that's the angle I'm looking at this situation from. It sounds to me like this birth family member is engaging in a couple of thinking errors that are creating some panicky emotions for him. . . magnification, metal filtering, disqualifying the positive, catastrophizing, jumping to conclusions. (You can see a list of thinking errors - or "unhelpful thinking styles" in the attachment to this comment.) He perceives the situation, has some immediate thoughts that distort the situation, and then those thoughts trigger emotions that he believes accurately represent the truth of the situation. Anyway, depending on how close you are to him, it might be helpful to share something like this to help him get his emotions under control. (I got that nifty chart from a great blog post . . .)
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