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This might sound silly and irrational, but I get irritated when people keep telling me how much my son looks like my husband and I when they know he is adopted. Yesterday a lady said, "I'm not saying this to be nice, but he looks like you even if he isn't really your child." The first thing I thought is, "ummmm, he really IS my child" and then I found myself annoyed that being told he looks like us is supposed to be a compliment. For one, I am japanese and Caucasian and my husband is completely caucasian. Our son is Hispanic and Caucasian. He and I have similar coloring and he has a cowlick in the same spot my husband does, but I honestly feel like the similarities stop there. I have met many members of his birth family and he looks almost identical to one of his cousins, especially when you see their baby pictures together. I LOVE that my son looks like his birth family and I have affectionately nicknamed us a skittles family because we are all different flavors (ethnicities). I know that people mean this as a compliment and are trying to be nice and validate that he is a part of our family, but why do we have to look alike to be family?
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I'm on the other side and it definitely bothers me. Sometimes I see people commenting on photos saying my birth daughter looks just like her brother. But she is a spitting image of ME! I gave her those big blue eyes and I have the stretch marks to show it. I feel like people think saying that makes an adoptive family more "legitimate" and eliminated the birth parents. Families don't have to look alike to be valid.
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I think a lot of people feel that when adopted kids look like their parents, it means that they were "meant to be" a part of their families. But I had an adoptive mom tell me that she was troubled by comments along those lines because she could very well end up adopting a child from a different race who definitely didn't look like her . . . but who was still very much intended to be a part of their family.
Yeah, I feel bad getting so irritated about it, but it is becoming such a pet peeve of mine. If a stranger says it, it's not a big deal, but when it's someone who knows and they say it like it's the biggest compliment, it's frustrating. I know it is well intended and they are just trying to say he looks like he is " meant to be" in our family. I just don't believe us looking alike has anything to do with whether we are meant to be a family or not though. How do you think I can turn this into a teaching moment and let people know comments like that can be hurtful to us and his birth family?