My Father can NEVER find out about this...

June 22, 2017

At almost 50 years old, my sister and I recently learned that my mother, who is now deceased, was pregnant and gave the child up for adoption before she ever met and married my father.

We would like to get to know our new-found sibling, but my father can never, EVER find out about this.

How do we go about this without completely weaving a tangled web of lies and playing my father for a fool?

It would be a tragedy if we never got to know our mothers' other child, but it would also KILL my father (literally) if he found out.

How do we handle this correctly?

Any suggestions will be GREATLY appreciated.

Thanks.

*sigh*

Ashley Foster

July 27, 2017

I don't see why you would have to tell him. As long as you aren't posting on each other's Facebook pages, I don't see how he would find out. If you are looking for ways to search, you can check the adoption registries registry.adoption.com, ISRR.org, and your state registry. You should join the Facebook group Adoptee Central and make a post with all the information you have about the adoption. It is an active search group, and they are very helpful.

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Annaleece Merrill

July 28, 2017

May I ask why it would be so hard on him if he found out? Im of the opinion that secrets should be avoided if at all possible. Perhaps there is a way he could understand? You obviously know him best, but just a thought.

Mm Dd

August 1, 2017

Annaleece Merrill

Hi Annaleece,

Thank you for your feedback on this - I need all the help I can get.

I agree with you regarding secret-keeping, but this is not my secret to tell.

Those of us who are informed of situation all agree that it would KILL my father if he found out that his beloved wife had deceived him in such an egregious manner. For him to learn, now, after 40+ years of marriage followed by her death, that his wife was not a virgin when they married and that she had a SON that she never told him about. It would absolutely break his heart. Without a doubt. We all know it. He is a very old-school and honorable man who does not deserve to have his heart - his life-as-we-know-it, crush and filthied by this news. Telling him is not an option - we all agree. And we will all stand between him and anyone who tries to hurt him with this knowledge.

That being said , how can I get to know my brother (!) without deceiving my Father and completely playing him for a fool. I am not going to start spinning a web of lies, but I'd really like to meet my brother. He is across the country, so I would have to travel, and explain travel, and ... and .... and.....

??????????

Annaleece Merrill

August 2, 2017

That makes more sense. If your mother chose not to tell then I guess it is her secret. You could possibly just say it's a friend, which hopefully will be true, when he asks who you are going to see.

Vicki Kessel

September 8, 2017

The best thing you can do to try to find your half sibling is to do your DNA and let it sit out there on a tree somewhere. If they know, and they are searching they will find you.

We help adopted people find their parents and we also allow those searching to put their DNA on our tree and just let it sit there. Let me know if we can help.

Vicki

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