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Hi! I am not sure what to say here but thought I would give it a try- potentially to help get out thoughts. Last year, we had a failed adoption. We had matched with the emom at about 28 weeks (through an agency). We met the emom at 32 weeks. They had expected the emom to deliver early. Emom had 3 other children and she parented them all (one was an adult). By week 40, the emom had disappeared. Although the agency claimed they had been in contact with her, it later came out that they had not had contact with her in over 10 days. We hoped for the best, but never heard anything more until several months later we were told by another counselor at the agency (probably accidentally) that the emom was married (it had been represented to us that she was single). We have not had a match since through that agency.
About a month and a half ago, we were referred to a law firm through which a friend had a successful adoption. Last week we received a call about a potential match. The emom has two other children and is parenting both. The emom was in jail, but was released on Friday. She was adopted herself and her mom is supportive of this decision and even went with her to our attorney's office yesterday. She has not asked for anything. My concern may be based on our previous match, but my gut is in knots for two reasons: (1) we were asked to text her this past weekend to try to talk with her over the phone (we live in a different state). She answered texts (mostly), but didn't answer calls when we had scheduled times to call. (2) I am concerned that since she had never placed a child before, that her heart may not be in it.
Our attorney's office seems confident that she go through with the adoption plan, and, I suppose they are the experienced people and I am not; however, I know soon we will need to pay (before the child is born) and I am concerned about losing more cash if I am being too optimistic over the situation. Am I missing red flags? My mother has a bad feeling about this, but our friends seem to think this sounds like a good match.
I don't know that I necessarily see any red flags with the emom. Not answering calls could happen for a number of reasons. Depending on her age, a lot of people are more comfortable with texts. Also, talking to strangers, especially about something very emotional, is incredibly difficult. When I adopted my son, the agency facilitated all calls to help both hopeful adoptive parents and expectant parents have a smooth conversation. I know that attorneys do not provide as many services as agencies, however. You might consider suggesting that she have her mother be a part of the call as well, since she appears to be helping with planning. Since phone can also be hard for people, you might also want to suggest Facetime (or whatever you both have for video chat), since it can be easier to talk when you can see the person.
I don't know the attorney, but some of what you have said concerns me about them. First, what you said about paying the attorney prior to the child's birth. If you have to pay the entire amount, and it will not be refunded if the emom chooses to parent, that would concern me. If it were me, I would be fine paying a deposit; this would be standard for an attorney for any issue, because they will have expenses up front, but you would never pay 100% of attorney fees up front for any other issue, and you shouldn't need to for adoption, either. If they do require the full fee up front, there should be a clear refund policy. You also haven't said anything about the father, which makes me wonder what (if anything) they have shared with you. While it may just be that it isn't germaine to this thread, if they haven't talked to you about the father, that would be a concern for me as well.
I wouldn't be worried about her not having placed a child before; that is true of probably the majority of expectant parents. My son's parents had a child they were raising when he was born, and I know several people whose kids other parents were raising children when they placed. Adoption, as much as we want it to be a wonderful thing for everyone, is usually not a decision someone makes because they don't want to parent a child, but rather because they are unable to do so for a variety of reasons (often related to poverty and/ or lack of social support). Sometimes another child would overwhelm a parent's or family's financial or emotional abilities, and they make a difficult choice that they need to care for the children they are already parenting and let go of the child that is coming.
You did not say how far along she is in her pregnancy or whether she has had any type of counseling. That would be a big deal for me. Some attorneys/ agencies will match fairly early in pregnancy and/ or without an expectant parent having any sort of counseling. Both of those situations are more likely to change than a situation later in pregnancy and if an expectant parent has had unbiased counseling to consider her choices. Personally, I would not be comfortable being matched with an expectant mom before the 3rd trimester of her pregnancy.
The information you give doesn't send out a lot of red flags for me, but the information that is missing is what would be a stronger influence on me. If you have that information, take it into consideration. If you don't, I would urge you to push the attorney for the information.
Last update on July 25, 7:22 am by ruth74.
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You can't guarantee anything with a match, of course. But I'm not seeing a ton of red flags here and I'm a birth mom myself. I say proceed with caution, but optimistically :)