Asking for more

That's difficult -- can I ask how long it's been since placement for both? Are there other things going on that you're aware of? What was the level of contact that was agreed upon when you placed?

Compared to most other adoptions, my adoption is still very open. I get at least one picture a week, usually more and visits about every other month. It's been almost 2 years for me, and 5 for her brother. They basically have been sticking to the agreement we had but they usually do more. So looking at it that way I shouldn't really complain.Things got really weird when the other birth mom and dad (who are now married) got pregnant around the same time the adoptive couple started trying to adopt again. I get that that's stressful and potentially awkward but it has nothing to do with me so I'm not sure why they're being so different. They're vague about when I will see my birth daughter next, and didn't invite the other birth parents to their birth sons' birthday which is extremely unusual. Most likely they're just busy and focusing on trying to adopt again, and I get that. It's just very stressful for me not to know when I will see her next and they're not giving me answers like they used to. So I'd like to just sit down and re-evaluate the relationship with them, but I can't really do that if they aren't scheduling a visit.

Well, it's not really complaining -- if they were going above and beyond, then suddenly pulled back to the minimum -- you have a right to at least find out if you've done something to prompt it. I'd ask. Oh boy. So many possibilities. Pregnancy could be hard to face, as she may not have fully dealt with her infertility. But, more likely than not -- she's got a five year old who may be prompted to ask the question, "Is my brother or sister going to come live with us? Why not? Why didn't they want to keep me if they are keeping this baby?" -- all VERY difficult questions in an adoption dynamic and likely a topic that scares the heck out of mom and dad. They may be trying to 'equal' the contact and you are caught in the middle of a difficult situation with mom and dad and the birth parents of their son. They may be pulling back with you, because they are pulling back with them. It could very well be something involuntary and they may not even realize they're doing it -- so I encourage you to at least pen a short note, keep it light, and ask if you've done something wrong and tell them that you've missed them. Say that to them. Maybe a little less pointed -- but tell them how their pulling back has affected you and tell them that you're worried that things are starting to become more distant and that it's the last thing you want. I would also encourage you to try to keep your friendship with their sons birth parents a little more light. They may feel threatened by the closeness of you 'comparing notes' about visits, etc. They may worry that because you're so close with her, they have to keep you at arms length as well, so that she doesn't feel she is being singled out.Right now, the parents have some valid-ish reasons for limiting (or pulling back to the minimum) with their sons birth parents -- it may not be right, but it's going to take them working through their own issues and being ready to face the questions with their son. I'm here if you need an ear. Any time.

I guess that's the other issue. The relationship that I have with the other birth mom has gotten more intense just because she has been coming to me for a lot more advice recently. So it's not just my own situation it's that I don't know how to help her with hers. The adoptive couple really encourage our relationship, and I've made a special effort to make sure they know we're not comparing notes. We both need different things at different times. you're probably right in that they're trying to make things even.

Annaleece, Please keep us posted on how things go. I am interested in finding out what ends up happening. I hope, for the children involved (all of them) that things get better and there is less strain for everyone, as babies are born.

Annaleece ... thanks for being willing to share on here. I really value your involvement on this forum as I'm new to this whole thing, myself. ; )As an outsider, I see what seems like a few very intense and complex things happening in this dynamic.1) You appear to be a very involved & very loving birth mother that wants to stay a part of your birth child's life - and you have every right to do so, especially given your adoption agreement. Not to mention that there is endless potential for you & your birth child to benefit from this relationship in so many ways as he or she grows up. From your perspective, I hope that continues to be a healthy consistent relationship for all involved. I imagine so much health & healing & growing can come from that. You are also, on the other hand juggling a relationship with another couple that is indirectly involved in your life and also more directly involved in your birth child's life and the life of the adoptive parents. That is certainly another complex layer to this dynamic.2) The other birth mother is facing a similar but slightly different experience due to starting a family with her husband as well as maintaining a healthy relationship with her first birth child and his or her adoptive parents ... in addition to a relationship with you more indirectly. 3) Then there's the adoptive parents who might perhaps be struggling with their ability to successfully meet all the needs of not just their adoptive children, but as well as the needs of both birth mothers in addition to dealing with personal issues of their own that could perhaps be related to pregnancy and birth children compared to adoption. Then there's also the process of adopting again as well. That alone can be challenging. (I'm learning about these dynamics for the first time as I go through this process. It's very helpful to understand how it looks in reality.)All that being said, it seems like there's a lot of intense complex dynamics for all involved that I would imagine can be taxing at times for some that are involved and require more self care and down time at certain times than other times (meaning other times may be far more manageable). From my very humble and very limited experience, I would say the hardest thing for me to do in the adoption process so far has been realizing that there are a lot of moving parts and people involved that all need my patience, grace, and empathy. That is what has helped me not get so frustrated or impatient, when I've really wanted to. I've been using language in my e-mails with my adoption worker such as "Hello adoption worker. It's been a little over a week since we've last touched base and I just wanted to check in with you to say hi and see how you are doing. I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate all the hard work you've been putting into this process and I know you are very busy. If there is anything I can do to support you on your end of things, just let me know. Thanks again. Hope all is well."When I've phrased it that way, she's actually admitted to me at times that she's stuck on an area of my home study where she's struggling and needs more of my input. Have you tried communication like that yet? Just a suggestion. I honestly can only imagine what it might be like from your perspective. I'll be thinking positive thoughts and prayers that they'll reach out to you soon and it will be a positive healthy resolution!

I can appreciate that your situation is complex. I really liked the comment I read about all the "moving parts." I feel that is very accurate. Maybe the answer is very simple though. Maybe they are just crazy busy. They are still doing the minimum, which is great, but you have every right to ask why things have changed. I often find myself caught up with so many things that I feel like a chicken with my head cut off. That's motherhood, whether you have a complicated adoption dynamic or not. If I were you I would sent her a text or email, whichever you two are more comfortable with. I would just write, "Hey, I know you are super busy. I know you have had a lot going on lately. I would really love it if you could gimme a call when you have a few minutes free to talk." That way you are nor interrupting anything and it can be done on her time. A lot of times I think, "man I really need to take a few minutes to do that." Maybe she doesn't realize things have slacked because she has been distracted. Maybe she just needs a light nudge to get the conversation going. Once she calls you can explain that things have been a little different lately and you just wanted to see what was up. I wouldn't mention the other mother at all.

I don't have advice that I feel I'm qualified to give in this situation, but I hope things settle back down for you, Annaleece. Sending good thoughts your way...

I love this forum, it's such a great place to go for support. A little update, I did talk to the adoptive mom a bit over text about how I've been having a tough time. The other birth mom invited me to go with them on their visit tomorrow to make scheduling easier for them. So hopefully tomorrow I will get some more answers!

I'm so glad things seem to be working out! I'll keep you in my thoughts!