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Hello,
I am not sure if anyone else has had this problem before. Our adopted placement began in September and finalization is approaching. My concern is that whenever our adoptive daughter sits on my husbands lap or lays on top of him it makes me very uncomfortable. I feel very anxious about it and can't be in the same room. I don't want to mess up their relationship and feel like she is being pushed away, but to me it feels very inappropriate. She just turned 11 and I feel like girls that age shouldn't want to sit on a 35 year olds lap. Is this a common way to feel? What can I do to become more accepting of it?
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Hello Elly, did you end up finalizing your adoption?I think your feelings are completely normal because the behavior may be inappropriate. consider that Due to neglect and abuse this child may never have been modeled appropriate behavior for a daughter and dad relationship/ Sometimes their emotional progress is a bit stunted in this area and she may act out her affection as say a 6 year old daughter would instead of a ten year old. (or even more disturbing, for some children from foster care, this behavior and more may have been encouraged by older men in their life, and it is normal to them). By no means does this mean she has bad intentions. As you are becoming her parents just consider you will have to teach her right and wrong in so many situations as you would a birth child, but it is just all happening at a later stage in life. It is very important that she doesn't feel rejected when her attentions are re-routed as they have many deep wounds from rejection. rerouting behavior may be something like "big girls don't lay on top of their daddy's but i would love it if you sat next to us on the couch. we love being close to you." In that situation you are putting a stop to the inappropriate behavior, teaching her an appropriate behavior, and re-affirming that she is good and is accepted. <3 I know this is an older post , i would look forward to hearing an update if you did finalize your adoption.
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Don't allow that. Nope. Nope. Nope. #1. Start looking for any clues that abuse has occurred in the past. #2. I'm sure your husband isn't thinking anything of this but 11 years old ... she is still very vulnerable to bad people. Boundaries are the next stage of learning for her. Some other sort of affection right now. Just change it. Don't "take it away" alter the attention so that her new father can model how she is to be treated.