Foster Adopting an Older Child - How do you discuss birth family past?

This will be tough as there's no way of knowing if the birth family will stay in your child's life. Honestly, I have contact for the adults and we see them when they have get-togethers. It wasn't east on my youngest as he felt his great aunt was mean to him. But time helped him heal and he got to a place where he could see them and give everyone a kiss and hug. Let your child tell you what happened; and take it from there.

I have beens struggling with some of this with my nephew. With my nephew he idealizes my sister but is terribly hurt by his dad's abuse and rejection. working to built trust will open up dialogue. I have often found my nephew (also ten) to feel most comfortable talking when we are driving, from the back seat, without eye contact, he feels more confident talking about tricky subjects. It isn't as awkward for him. our time together is uninterrupted. On a car ride he recently brought up that his dad doesn't love him, and talked about abuse he hasn't mentioned to me specifically before. It is hard to know what to say. I let him know that some people do not know how to love properly, and his treatment was wrong, He does have people who love him very much and name specific family members. making sure i give him the opportunity to feel his story is heard. If Alcoholism & Drug addiction were at all involved with his parents, I can recommend these age appropriate books for a ten year old. "An Elephant In the Living Room The Children's Book" by Jill M. Hastings (this first book could be used for younger children, but i think it definitely relates in a way that it benefits this age range as well) and "When a Family is in Trouble: Children Can Cope with Grief from Drug and Alcohol Addiction" by Marge Heegaard . There was one or two pages I covered up in this as they went over specific kinds of drugs which i felt was unnecessary information and not a topic we are ready to discuss at this point, however, the rest of the book was invaluable. i bought them on amazon.Did you end up being able to complete your matching process with this child?

I think telling him exactly how you feel would be a great start. Very simply put it in similar terms that you just did here. "I don't want to pretend like you did not exist before now. I feel terrible for the things you have gone through. When you're ready you can talk to me and if you want I'll help you find someone to talk to that knows more than me. Please let me know who you want to remain in contact with and we will see what options are available. Tell me about your hopes, your dreams, and I'll do my best to give you the happily ever after that you deserve." I think this may be this child's first time thinking about how they feel and what they want. Expect a little confusion and be willing to be his cheerleader as you go along. - Adult Adoptee (One of 4 Adopted Children)- His situation is similar to my little sister's. Her adoption was finalized at the age of 8. We had to involve trained professionals which if he is open to, I'd highly recommend. If not now I'd try to encourage until he is ready.

: : Thanks so much for the feedback. I was in the matching phase much longer than I ever anticipated (one full year) but that was because as a single parent I needed to be very selective and realistic about what I can and can not handle. This child I described was the most realistic on paper for me (up until that point) and my heart felt deeply for him knowing he deserved to know what it is like to have a healthy relationship with an unconditionally loving mother. I wanted to be that for him but when it came down to thinking if I could realistically handle all that he needed (later I found out that he was starting to show signs of aggression and harm) I realized I wasn't feeling confident in my ability to do so as a single parent. I was about a week away from committe when I learned that I was also being considered for a younger child who lives locally that ended up being the exact right match and I was ultimately chosen for him instead. The decision to stop moving forward with this other 10 yr old child was truly a tough, heart breaking one but I just knew God had a much more equipped family for him and I still pray for him. What an incredibly challenging yet also uniquely rewarding journey this foster adoption process is. I will continue to learn from all of you as I begin parenting this little one that I was chosen for as well. Thanks again for all the advice and support. It's been really helpful. : :