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Please don’t judge me this is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. My family has already shunned me and I feel like a failure. I have lost all my supports and really need to vent.
I have been fostering my nephew (B) for a little more than a year now and we had to call his caseworker a few days ago. After a ton of thinking we have decided that we can not be this little boys permanent home. It was the hardest decision I have ever had to make. But I also know it was the correct one. Here is the background:
B was taken from my sister for neglect, he was 4 1/2. She suffers from severe mental health issues and neurological issues. It was determined that she would never be able to take care of him properly through no fault of her own. We took him in as we were the only relative besides his paternal grandmother who could. We also have 2 children (DS 3 now 4, DD 6 now 7) of our own and work full time
The honeymoon phase lasted about a month and even then there were certain things that were just off. At first I thought it was caused by a lack of experience but I don’t think so now. He has no perception of right and wrong. We have worked diligently with teaching him this. Have taught him there are consequences (good and bad). We always make sure to praise for good behavior. However, even after a year this child does not care about consequences. I am very consistent, there is no leeway in the rules in my house for anybody. That includes myself as well, lead by example right?
There is also a lack of emotion. There are times he is genuinely happy or scared, but it is very uncommon. I have taken him to therapy and seen many doctors. He lays on the charm thick and fools everybody. His teachers were also fooled at first but after a month or so they were calling every day.
He is extremely mean and doesn’t get along with other children at all. It doesn’t matter what I do, he says he doesn’t like anybody and won’t play if it’s something he doesn’t want to do. This is a big issue in school. He’ll do anything to get out of group activities, I mean ANYTHING. He even attacked his teacher. He will hurt others and show no remorse whatsoever.
I have been worried for a while now about these things and I finally hit my breaking point when on two separate occasions he tried to seriously harm my youngest child.
The first time, we were at the pool and B doesn’t like to swim. My children love it and they were having a blast. I had other things for B to do so he wouldn’t be bored. I have a big rule about no pushing and horse playing. My son was sitting on the edge of the pool with a toy and I watched as B stared at him then tried to push him in. Of course I stopped it and had a serious talk with B and put him in timeout. This did not end here. After B was out of timeout he sat by the steps of the pool and was playing and splashing a bit with my son. They seemed to be getting along well. My phone started to ring so I went to pick it up. It was about 20 feet behind me. By the time I got to my phone and answered it and looked up B was stepping on my sons head and holding him under water. I freaked out. This, now 5 year old boy, waited for me not to be looking and seriously tried to drown my son. B is not dumb by any means and we had just talked about the dangers of water and what could happen. When I asked him why he did that and told him his cousin could have died he looked me right in the eye without any signs of emotion and told me he knew and he didn’t know why he did it, he just wanted to do it. It was at this point that I think I knew I wouldn’t be able to care for this child. I was honestly scared, but I couldn’t admit to myself that I was in over my head.
The second instance, I had sent the boys and my daughter up to clean their rooms. After about 20min I heard a loud bang and crying from my daughter. When I got upstairs I found B in the hallway just staring into DDs room. When I looked inside her dollhouse was flipped over and everything inside it was all over. I asked B if he did that and told me yes. When I asked why he said because she wouldn’t help clean his room. I told him he and DS needed to clean their own room and now B would have to pick up DDs room too. He said okay. At this point DS had come out of his room to see what is going on. I was making sure DD wasn’t hurt and trying to calm her down. Now I’m hearing B yelling at my DS that he hates him and wants him to go away. I book it as fast as I can just in time to see B push DS down the stairs. B just turned around and stared at me with a blank expression. Thank god there is a small landing 4 steps down from the top where the stairs turn and DS wasn't seriously hurt. At this point though I’m furious and afraid of this child. I sent B to his room and had my other children go downstairs and I sat on the stairs and cried for about 20 minutes. I knew my husband and I couldn’t handle this.
My husband and I thought very carefully for 3 whole weeks about what we should do. And I knew at that point what I did have to do for my own family, but I didn’t want to admit it. I wanted so badly to help him, but in the process my own family was suffering. Tbh my home has been miserable for months and my husband and I are worn and tired. I talked with his grandmother and my family about what I was going to do and trying to find another resource for him. His grandmother was very understanding and thankful to me. She was the only support I have had with B since I got him. My family on the other hand has disowned me. However, none of them helped me during the entire time I had B. Even though I know I’m making the right choice it still hurts that I lost my entire family because of it. I have no plans to completely walk away from B. I still want to be part of his life. I’m angry, sad, and depressed. I need emotional support and the people I would normally get that from told me I don’t exist and that I could die for all they care. I’m angry that my family disowned me when none of them besides my father have ever even called to see how we or B was doing. I’m angry that they are blaming me for not being able to help B. I’m angry because nobody else stepped up or did anything to help B. I’m sad because I couldn’t help B. I’m sad because I’ve known for a while that my family is somewhat toxic and has always pushed everything onto me. More than anything I feel like a failure. I feel like I have failed as a mother, as a sister, and as an aunt. I feel lonely and depressed because the people who are supposed to be there for me have abandoned me.
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First thing, big (((HUG))), mama! I know you know this, but I'd like to reiterate: you are doing the right thing! Not only for yourself, your husband, your children (your marriage & family, your future), but also for B.How dare your family shun you! If they are so superior to you, then where are their open doors for B?! POO on them. You do NOT need that toxicity in your life, nor do your children. Lean on your husband, and let him lean on you -- and, please, all of you should seek counseling immediately for your own healing.Do not doubt yourself, you do not owe this child, he is not your responsibility - you did not make him this way, you cannot "fix" him, or even help him. We cannot save them all.... Be at peace.
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Thank you for your support. I am truly heart broken, but I also know it is what I need to do. As for my family, I am extremely angry and hurt and I’m trying to see it from their perspective. I know they are upset, but putting all the blame on me is how they can cope. Eventually they will either get over it or they won’t be a part of my life. I honestly think I’m okay with either. I don’t need the negativity.
First: DO NOT FEEL BAD. You're doing the right thing for the child. He needs more help than you can give. You'd do the same if it was your biological child but for some reason, non bio parents are looked down on. If your family hasn't helped you or can't support you, they are toxic. Just try to stay in his life. Good luck.
I’m not a professional but a foster parent whose first and only placement had behaviors similar to your nephew, though not as extreme. The only services she received while living with us were meetings with the school guidance counselor. It was only after she left and we were matched with a boy who had a diagnosis of attachment disorder that I realized that’s probably what she had. The social workers never mentioned this even casually even though I kept them updated of her varied and increasingly negative behaviors. Look into reactive attachment disorder; as new foster parents we were not equipped to help with this so don’t feel like it’s your fault or just you! Good luck!
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No one should feel the right to judge you because you chose to protect the children you chose to have. You were under no obligation to take him in, but you did and you gave it your all. I have a foster placement who I had this kind of issue with. She would appear to have remorse when an adult was around, but one time she had thrown one of our other kids on the bed and they landed straight on their head/neck and were crying hysterically. I ran in the room and she began to tell me what happened, making it very clear it was not her fault, and seemed legitimately worried. Then when I looked back to see what happened, I say that my other child was bothering her while she was watching TV so she pushed her off the bed, heard her crying, looked at her and kept watching her TV. When I ran into the room her she instantly perked up and acted like she was concerned. It scared me how fake it all was, and she was only 4. We didn't give up, but we had our moments of wanting to make that call.But he threw your child down the stairs. I just don't think people understand. Yes you can love a child who is not yours like your own. But it will not happen with every child. We have an instinct to protect the ones we love the most, an in your case it was your children. Those situations could have ended much worse, ones that would not make you think twice about getting rid of him, but you were smart and didn't let it get worse. And at least now they know his behaviors and can find a family better prepared. I have taken in 2 placements where their family tried to care for them, but ultimately gave up, and I was always very happy that they were strong enough to step up instead of giving them a home that is not in their best interest. There is no judgment here. They can find a family who is better able to help him and it will be better in the long run. I have met a lot of kinship people who say they were promised all this help and support, but get minimal. And when they tell someone concerning behaviors, they brush them off. Best of luck, and if people are going to judge, tell them to get their lives in order so they can take him in. I had one placement that was hard, and everyone kept being judgy and telling me what to do and what I was doing wrong. Then those people spent some time with them and realized I wasn't just being lazy. Sometimes people judge because they do not understand.
Last update on December 7, 2:55 pm by foster mom.