My aunt adopted my daughter after I had her for 6 months. I was 15 years old. It’s been so hard all these years not knowing my place with her. She’s known I was her birth mom since she was 4 and I’ve always been actively involved in her life but it seems to me, it’s been in the background. She recently was married and I was ushered down the aisle before my aunt. She is now pregnant and so many emotions are back and it’s mass confusion on my end. We are more like friends. It’s hard to be close to her because of my jealousy towards my aunt and uncle and cousins who are now her brother and sister. I had two more daughters after her. I’ve always been confused about saying I have two daughters or three. If she ever heard me say I only have two daughters, she would be like ‘excuse me?’ She is really close to my sister as well and of course that hurts as it’s not me and I don’t know how to feel. I’ve never met anyone in this same situation therefore no one to talk to that understands. I always feel weird when I’m talking to him and have to say something like “does your mom know” when I know I’m her mom. Her real dad came back in the picture when she was around 9. When she was 17, he sent me this email apologizing for making me go through this alone because his heart broke for me when she introduced me to her friends as her “birth mother”. It always hurts and I’ve never been sure how to feel. I’m a family law paralegal and this adoption was the reason I went into this field. I could have never raised her and her have the life she does now. I don’t have regrets about the adoption. I guess I do at times. When she called to tell me I was going to be a grandma again (I have a 2 year old grandbaby from my oldest or middle daughter??? Never sure how to say that) Now I find myself wondering how this is going to go. I should add that my aunt was my mother’s best friend and my mom was killed 15 years ago. My daughter was my moms spoiled angel and while my mom was here, she somewhat understood. I’ve never reached out on anything like this. I’m wondering if there is any other woman in my same situation and can relate? I never thought to look for groups until today.
Forgive me adult adoptee. I know this is a birth mother spot but I think I can shed light on your situation.
You will have to just ask your daughter how she feels and wait.
For me, I always had two mothers, different in roles but equally important.
I can not guarantee how she will feel.
I've had a million "Excuse me" moments.
I know now that the term "birth mother" can sometimes be hurtful.
Sadly I used it for a long time not knowing that. She may be just as confused as what to say as you are.
Also if you haven't already read up on how adoption affects adoptees please do so.
You can't just switch moms on humans without consequences. We are not birds. We come with cords.
There are psychological effects of adoption on adoptees. If you are unaware of this it's best to hold off any talks with your daughter until you've studied. We have unique challenges and we were MOST impacted by this choice in which we had no say.